From the Corner of Grace and Wayne

It's a conspiracy!

2006-06-26T23:25:00.000-05:00

The Wife and I headed over to the Gay Pride parade this last weekend and it was pretty awesome. We were only able to stay for half of it as we had to work, but we were there long enough to see lots of boys and very few shirts. Let's just say The Wife had a field day.

And, actually, it all seemed pretty innocent. That is, until I woke up the next day and a series of suspicious events began to unfold.

I take a shower, seeing as how today is a Monday and all, and my very manly Edge shaving gel has run out. I'm faced with two questionable choices: go fuzzy-faced or use The Wife's girly gel. Well, I grow pretty terrible facial hair, so it was definitely time to shave. Really, the choice was not a choice at all and so I lathered up with some pink stuff.

Ah, nice and smooth again. Let the morning ritual continue.

I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and went to deoderize my self when...Great Scott! My deoderant had run out. My manly Degree Ultra Testoterone-laced deoderant that is so key to my trademark scent. What to do!? My eyes dart over to The Wife's Secret.

No.

But it's strong enough for a man...

But it's made for a woman...

This is when it stuck me. This was too much of a coincidence. For someone as butch as I to have to comtemplate using girl products...this just doesn't happen. And now that I think about it, there was that one flag guy in the Lakeview Gay Marching Band who seemed to give me an extra long glance. Almost...sizing me up. I'd heard that the gays want to convert all the hetros, but I never really believed it. I mean, we all have heard of the homosexual adgenda, but I thought it was a myth. Now...I wonder. Was there a homosexual invasion of my fortress of hetrocity last night? Have I been violated with Raspberry scented gels and Shower Fresh deoderant?

I may never fully know the truth, but there is one thing I know for sure.

I smell fabulous!

Headlines, June 25th

2006-06-25T07:31:00.000-05:00

Man wins $400K for 10-year implant malfunction

He was, um, "at attention" for over ten years and this turned out to be a rather embarassing situation.

In other words, he got to relive age 12 for the past 10 years, albeit without the risk of being called to the chalkboard to solve math problems.

Sort of Groundhog Day in Hell.

Go someplace different this July Fourth

Well, I'm heading to England. I want to see how the losers celebrate.

USA!

USA!

USA!

Smooth move: Raiders' Moss opens his juice bar

Am I the only one who's shocked to not see Bonds's name attached to this headline?

(although I suppose Palmerio's name could have just as easily been attached to the first headline)

Salmonella chocolate still on shelves

I'm not one to judge, but they should really consider a different name...

Name #83 my future son will never have:

2006-06-24T04:26:00.000-05:00

Vincent

A Vincent will never throw a baseball with anywhere near the same flourish that he does a 20-sided die. Why? Well, mostly because you should never throw a baseball with a flourish. It just isn't done. Also because Vincent is about 99.978% poet. The rest? Filler.

No baseball.

Vincent has the most magnificently long girl hair. Honestly, it's transcendent. It hangs down his back, well past his bra-strap, and there's not a split end to be found. And, at the very end, the hair is bound with...a scrunchie. Now, mind you, this isn't a ponytail proper. Ponytails can actually be okay. Hell, there are plenty of Hell's Angels sporting very respectable ponytails (although they rather than using a scrunchie to maintain their ponytail, they simply use the flesh of the innocent). No, the hair still has that lustrous, flowing look; it is just kept a bit more manageable with this...scrunchie.

Vincent is just so sensitive, barely ever speaking above a whisper whilst nibbling on his carrot sticks. His pale, delicate features bear an expression that could only be described as "wistful." Why the wistful look? Most likely because he still holds onto hopes that he will be visited by Dumbledore and whisked off to Hogwarts like in the paperback edition of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that he carries along with him. Vincent? You're pushing 30. If an owl was going to bring you a letter with the Hogwarts seal stamped on it, it would likely have come back when you were getting beat up and really could have used it.

No, Vincent will never be my son. There's a reason that the sensitive, misunderstood lion-thing in Beauty and the Beast was named 'Vincent'. That was the only way that we would know that behind that hideous visage lay (lie? lied?) the heart of a poet. If my son is going to fulfill my dreams, he has to be a lot more Mickey Mantle, and a lot less lion-living-in-a-sewer.

So, Vincent, enjoy your renaissance festival and wear your tights proudly. Just know that you will never share a name with my son.

Apologies to any Vincents reading this (now go cut your damn hair)

Headlines, June 23rd

2006-06-23T05:15:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm still working on a way to use this site for quasi-humorous purposes without taxing my time to too great an extent. My initial idea is to play around with headlines to see if this sparks some creativity. Given that all of 12 people, probably 11 of whom are stopping by completely randomly, are reading this, the pressure to be funny is pretty low. So bear with me as I try to regain a warped perspective on things.

Donor to the 2004 Edwards campaign has been fined.

Okay, I get that the Democratic party isn't at it's best right now. We've (and I use "we" fairly loosely as I have contributed exactly nothing to the political arena, going so far as to quickly shoo away the nice young lady who buzzed my apartment begging for a contribution to the DNC. It's so sad to see them beg, but also a little funny. Alright, mostly funny) been beaten down a bit, true, but I hardly think it's fair to start fining people for contributing to the party. Isn't it bad enough that they already threw their money away without having to pay another fine?

Canada raises age of consent from 14 to 16

14? Really? How very Elizabethan of them. I realize that they genuflect to the Queen Mum up north but I guess I was just confused as to which one they followed.

Soldiers' brutal deaths confirmed to families

Geez, we appreciate the effort, but do they have to use the word "brutal." Here's a bit of advice: when you have to deliver bad news, soften it up a bit.

Rising gas prices fire up bloggers

The bloggers are fired up? I'm not laughing. Really, I'm not.

Why does the term "tilting at windmills" come to mind?

Nude resorts take off gloves in fight for customers

They were wearing gloves?

To this I say: worst. nude beach. ever.

To my three remaining readers

2006-05-17T01:01:00.000-05:00

(one of whom is me)

Maybe you've noticed this, but it's been awhile since I posted. It you haven't noticed, then either you take a very long view of time (and don't consider my posting pause to have been a long one) or you just aren't very obesrvant. Since you have been so kind to keep reading despite the recent one-sided nature of this site, I'm going to assume the former.

What have I been doing all this time? Well, don't worry reader(s), it hasn't been anything productive. I wouldn't betray you by working or spending time with my loved ones. Nope, I've been writing on the internet like I always do. I'm still a loser, I've just relocated a bit.

Much of my time have been spent at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. I have been writing a Series Preview each week, which takes up a fair amount of time, plus whatever else I post over there. Seriously, if you used to like reading this site for baseball (which is odd because I don't even like to read what I have to say about the Cubs), check out Goat Riders if you don't already. It is updated several times a day and there is lots of really good and funny stuff. Plus, one of the guys over there actually knows how to photoshop. That's always fun.

The rest of my time is spent with my wife's and my running site. There we write about all our daily stuff including, of course, running. Again, same writing as I used to do here and it isn't all about running. Lots of good stuff. So, it's not like I gave up on the Cubs (I mean, I have, but that is unrelated to the site) or life, I just am writing on a couple better sites.

I don't want to let this site go, though. Not really. I just need to figure out what to write on here that I would rather not write on one of the other sites. Maybe stuff about the news? There has to be something interesting to write about that doesn't take an hour out of my time.

I think I'll start writing here again at some point. If nothing else, just because I like the name of the site.

So, reader, thanks for checking back in occasionally to see if I've gotten off my ass and thrown something down on paper. Check back again and maybe I'll have something new and interesting. Probably not, but you never know.

Sweep!

2006-04-10T15:16:00.000-05:00

I've kind of got some MacGuyver hair going on here. So, the way I see it, I have one of two options available to me. I could:

1) build a time machine, go back to 1989, and be declared TV's sexiest man or
2) get a hair cut.

I'm sort of torn. I don't really like getting my hair cut, but I definitely was not a big fan of 1989 (not my finest year). Maybe I'll go with Mystery Option #3 and guest star in an episode of Stargate SG1.

Anyway, as the title of the post suggests, the Cubs swept the lowly Cardinals (I have to say that while I can). Lots of great stuff on the sweep over at Goat Riders, including some from the ballpark recaps. I'll be at the game on Wednesday, which will be my first look at the new Wrigley.

Go Cubs.

Respect the Barrett!

2006-04-08T08:16:00.000-05:00

No offense to Death's post on benching Barrett over at Goat Riders, but he makes a statement that is impossible to defend. Not to worry, he's not the first person to say this and he's in some good company (Andy from Desipio comes to mind). He quotes (indirectly) the Catcher's ERA stat that says that pitchers had an ERA of 3.5 when throwing the Blanco and 4.5 when throwing to Barrett. The implication, of course, is that Barrett has been so bad on defense that he is causing pitchers to give up an extra run a game.

Over the course of the season, that amounts to 162 runs. This is saying that Blanco is 162 defensive runs better than Barrett. Barrett has single-handedly cost the Cubs 162 runs. If we take a nice, even number and say that there are about 9 runs in a win (I'm being very conservative here since I'm not sure how WARP and such stats derive expected wins from runs) then that mean Blanco is 18 wins better than Barrett on defense. 18 wins. That means that the Cubs would have won 96 games last year with Blanco catching. Most MVP candidates contribute 8-10 wins to their team's success. Sooooo...Blanco for the HOF?

The point of this is to point out how ridiculous a stat Catcher's ERA is. It is possibly the most misleading stat in the game. Is Barrett a bad defensive catcher? Yeah, pretty much. He certainly isn't good. But all those runs he contributes on offense count and have to be weighed against the defensive runs he gives up. And let me tell you, folks, he doesn't give up enough defensive runs to make up for Blanco's enimic bat, especially if you figure that Blanco's unlikely to repeat last year's offensive performance. It's just not possible for one player to have that great a defensive impact.

And another thing, if Barrett calls such a bad game, don't blame him. The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Larry Rothschild and Dusty Baker. Many, many teams call pitches from the dugout and there is no reason the Cubs can't do this. In everyone in the stadium knows that Barrett should call a waste pitch, then the folks in the dugout damn well should too and it is up to them to make sure it happens.

People should just be happy with what we have. An above average catcher heading sitting firmly in his prime.

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

2006-04-07T15:38:00.001-05:00

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

2006-04-07T15:38:00.000-05:00

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

Cubs' Home Opener!!

2006-04-07T08:22:00.000-05:00

Baseball season's underway
Well you better get ready for a brand new day.

Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They're singing ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

They got the power, they got the speed
To be the best in the National League
Well this is the year and Cubs are real
So come on down to Wrigley Field

We're singing now ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Baseball time is here again
You can catch it all on WGN
So stamp you feet and clap your hands
Chicago Cubs got the greatest fans.

You're singing now ...
Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Go, Cubs, go
Go, Cubs, go
Hey, Chicago, what do you say
The Cubs are gonna win today.

Let the trials begin!

2006-04-06T14:53:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty excited about the coming steroid witch hunt.

One request? That we conduct the investigations in a manner that would make Arthur Miller proud.

"The spirit of Goody McGwire stuck a syringe in my ass! The spirit of Goody McGwire stuck a syringe in my ass!"

.500

2006-04-06T07:58:00.000-05:00

I get the feeling we'll be seeing that number a lot.

Why does one loss seem so bad? I mean, if we were 2-0 I'd be elated, but 1-1 makes it seem like the Cubs are screwed. I do realize it's a 162 game schedule, right? I'm such an idiot.

It's just that 1-1 can turn to 1-2 with a loss to the Cardinals, a not-unlikely event. And then if they lose again, they would be 1-3 and you start to feel like the Cubs will never see .500 again.

Seriously, there is something wrong with me.

Is it wrong that this makes me happy?

2006-04-05T11:02:00.000-05:00

Roger Clemens, after making an appearance at a Ranger's game, answered questions after the game.

blah blah blah...kids want me to play...yadda yadda...want me out of the house...afraid I'm going to throw half a broken bat at them...

ha ha, just kidding. That wasn't libel, just good fun.

Anyway, there's nothing libelous enough that I could make up to compare with his self-indicting remarks. This quote gives me a warm feeling in my heart:

He felt fine after the World Baseball Classic and left the tournament impressed by the quality of the international teams -- and the devotion of the Japanese and South Korean fans.
Remembering back to a Japan-South Korea game in Anaheim, Calif., Clemens said he took clothes to a dry cleaners and was told he wouldn't get them back for nearly a week.
"They said, 'You've got no chance,' they told me," Clemens said. "I said, 'I'm going to get it tomorrow, right?' And then she goes, `No chance, we're going to the game.' So we couldn't get dry cleaning done out there, but I guess the neatest thing about them was there were about 50,000 of them at Anaheim Stadium, Korea and Japan.

I didn't catch the rest of the interview, but I'm guessing it went something like this:

*stunned silence*

Clemens: *looks around*

"What?"

Just to pile on, how about we check in with his wife's product line.

Cubs Notes

2006-04-05T08:09:00.000-05:00

The Wife and I were walking past Wrigley yesterday on the way to work and...hey! The fence was gone. Yes, folks, the new and improved [sic] Wrigley Field has been unveiled and looks great. The construction crew did a really fantastic job and, well, I'm just impressed.

And then we kept walking down Waveland and we were noting the really, really nice ironwork at the entrance to the bleachers when...WHAT THE HELL. That's what was shouted in my ear by my dear wife. Apparently, the Bud Light Bleachers are really the Bud Light Bleachers. I didn't realize that there was going to be an actual sign above the entrance labeling the bleachers as the Bud Light Bleachers, ruining an otherwise beautiful building. I had actually heard that there wouldn't be any signs. Apparently I heard wrong. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

Boo, I say, Booooooooo!!!!!!!!!

Now for some Bullet points:

If the opposition feels safe in walking Derrek Lee 3 times, then they are seriously misjudging Ramirez. The man is going to be racking up some serious RBIs this year if this trend (one game makes a trend, right?) continues.
Murton's defense might be somewhat suspect, but he's no Jason DuBois. There is no amount of hitting that would have made up for DuBois's glove. I think the Reds might be learning the same lesson with Adam Dunn this year.
I'm dead terrified to have Rusch throwing for the Cubs today, but maybe he'll be okay. I don't know...I just have a bad feeling. I just don't want a repeat of last year where we have the great first game and then have everything go to hell. Actually, I don't want a repeat of any part of last year. You know what, let's just not speak of last year...ever again.
Bullet points and ellipsis...now that's lazy writing.
There's an incredibly stupid article on cubs.com. The Cubs embrace the small ball era. What a load of crap. You know what? I think the Cubs have embraced the dead-ball era. I know, when the gloves were really small and people made more errors. Because, you know what, if the Reds didn't field like a t-ball team, we would be talking about Murton's homer, not the 35 bloops and bleeders that turning into a dozen runs. Against a Major League team, we score about 7 runs on Monday. Small ball...god.

Alright, kids, 11:35 game time. Go Cubs!

All freaked out

2006-04-03T10:58:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, I'm running Linux on my laptop. I would sort of prefer to be running windows, but that isn't really an option right now. The problem is with Game Day Audio. I need gameday audio or I am going to miss opening day!!

So, when I click on gameday audio, it just opens up a flashplayer window trying to run windows media player. The problem is, I don't have windows media player. I have realplayer. I've tried to get mplayer, but it keeps asking for all these libraries, which I am trying to install, but they don't seem to be installing.

Realplayer should work with gameday audio, or so they say. But I can't get to any window that gives me the option of selecting Realplayer.

If anyone out there reading this message knows more than me about linux, either comment or send an e-mail. It would be greatly appreciated.

Update: I know you all were flying about the internet-o-sphere trying to solve my problem, so I wanted to relieve your angst. I solved the problem by buying the crappiest radio ever for 6 bucks. It was very appropriately priced.

Welcome to Opening Day

2006-04-03T06:51:00.000-05:00

Cubs and Reds, 1:10 PM CT.

The Cubs are sending Big Z to the mound to take on Adam Harang. The lineups:

Pierre CF
Walker 2B
Lee 1B
Ramirez 3B
Jones RF
Barrett C
Murton LF
Cedeno SS
Zambrano P

Womack 2B
Lopez SS
Griffey CF
Dunn LF
Encarnacion 3B
Hatteberg 1B
Kearns RF
Valentin C
Harang P

Just taking this at face value, there is no reason that the Cubs should lose this game. The Reds, however, have been a major pain in the ass these last couple of years. Adam Harang, specifically, has thrown a couple of good games against the Cubs.

Let me just say, this is pretty close to optimal lineup construction of Baker's part. One could switch Walker and Murton, although I'm not sure that would be a good bet and one definitely could switch Barrett and Jones (or Murton and Jones), but whatev. This lineup is just as likely to generate runs as any others that I can come up with. A far cry from some of the logic-defying batting orders Dusty came up with last year.

Let's go, Cubs, make this the year!

(Along those lines, I've published the 2006 Official Guide to Hope over at Goat Riders.
If you are having trouble coming up with reasons to believe this year, go take a look. If nothing else, there's some pretty nifty photoshoping over there.)

Say it ain't so, Vin

2006-03-30T20:52:00.000-06:00

Do you remember the quote from the X-Files episode, Jose Chung is from Outer Space?

I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.

Turns out, it's true. Vin Diesel is deeply devoted to Dungeon and Dragons and nobody's tougher than Vin Diesel. He could rip your throat right out.

From an interview with Conan O'Brien:
Vin: I created a character... No one knows this, but in Triple-X, one of the tattoos, right above my belly-button, or below my belly button, I don't know why I'm saying this *hoots from audience*, was the name Melkor. And that came from a character that I had, uh..
Conan: That you created in Dungeons and Dragons?
Vin: that I created. That was a Drow witch-hunter. Double-specialized witch-hunter. but this is all
Conan: There are so many nerds watching right now who are just thrilled. Cause you're making them cool, suddenly. All these guys are watching going "Go, Vin Diesel, Go! Go!" All hail, Melkor, you know?
So, we all think, D &D must be pretty cool. Then I realize how I found out that Diesel plays D&D. From the trust IMDB message boards, this time for Dungeons and Dragons, the Movie.

(in response to taunting)

Bahahaha, thats soo funny, but no seriously you moron, don't come here and make fun of something that is far beyond your pathetic scope of intelligence so you can make your pitiful existence all the more interesting. Besides you do realize that Vin Diseal a highly paid famous celebrity played dnd? I'm sure you chop off your tiny left nut to live a day like Vin lives (considering you come online to make fun of gammers in your spare time, thats sad) so step off and go pester small children, they may yet be less brilliant then you.

Yeeeeaaah...I think Vin Diesel might just be the exception to the rule.

(Just to be clear, I don't play D&D. I'm clearly far too cool for that. I'm thinking a blogging, Star Trek watching physicist is still well-steeped in coolness. Either that, or I'm just the Vin Diesel of the physics community)

More fun with IMDB Message Boards

2006-03-29T15:08:00.000-06:00

Star Trek, the original series, Message Board

Subject: You Know what sucks about the present?

You remember "Space Seed", where they mentioned the Eugenics Wars that supposedly happened in the 1990s? They also mentioned that Khan and his followers were put on one of their best starships, the U.S.S. Botany Bay. Well, the 90s have been over for a while, and I haven't seen any advanced starships with phaser weapons, artificial gravity, or ultra-powerful computer systems that operate on verbal commands, nor have I seen any genetically engineered superhumans. It's 2006 and we haven't come anywhere close to attaining warp drive? Know why? Because dumbass Republicans are spending the government's money on nuking the s**t out of every country that disagrees with our policies. We were going to advance our space program, and then a certain dips**t named Nixon decided to draft all working-class young men in their late teens and early twenties to serve in a war they didn't want to fight. Now most of those vets got their arms/legs blown off, plus they're homeless because the government left them to starve to death in the streets. You Republicans think the vets are ungrateful because they weren't proud to serve their country, but this war didn't need to be fought. It was unnecessary. I think we need better legislation in our government. What about you guys?

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

Query: Which serries if they ever met would win in a war?
star treks ray guns and crap like that vs the blaster cannons

Reply: Let's see...

Star Trek happens several centuries in the future from now in our galaxy.
Star Wars happens a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

In the Voyager series the Voyager gets lost in the delta quadrant, which is a part of our own galaxy and even with warpdrive they have to travel for almost a century to get back unless some handy wormhole happens to be on their way.
Now imagine what it takes to get from here to several galaxies away....
It would take centuries to get there!
It will take twice as long (getting there AND back plus extensive time travel) to get to know the results of a possible fight.

Yeah, what a dipshit.

...but if they found a wormhole, like in that one episode where they are playing cards and get stuck in a time warp and encounter the enterprise from the past, it could happen! And then there's that one where they encounter Shooter McGavin as a starship captain from the past, I think he got sucked into a wormhole. It could happen!

I mean, um...nevermind.

Or, as I like to call it, a Saturday night

2006-03-29T12:33:00.000-06:00

College student lives in Wal-Mart for 41 hours

When I first read this, I saw the caption for the picture - "Skyler Bartels spent almost two days wandering the aisles of a Des Moines, Iowa Wal-Mart." - and assumed he just had nothing better to do. After all, he was in Des Moines. Until you get into the drug scene, at 1 am it's pretty much cruising Wal-Mart or drinking coffee at the IHOP.

As it turns out, he's just an "aspiring writer" at Drake who thought it would be a nifty stunt to write about. I'm an aspiring writer, too, but the only test of endurance I'm willing to take on is the Rachel Ray 30 Minute Meals marathon on the Food Network (other than the actual marathon, of course).

My hat is off to you, sir. In other news...

World prepares for total solar eclipse

I'm still waiting for a total eclipse of the heart.

Naked sculpture of 'idealized' Britney going on view

Hmm...I wonder what the words "Naked Britney Spears" will do to my hit demographics? ...if only this was 4 years ago. From the article:

A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney Spears kneeling on a bearskin rug as she gives birth will be on display next month at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery.

Now that's just excellent. Or rather, it would be, if it were being used in the proper context. Naked Britney Spears giving birth on a rug belongs in someone's living room, maybe over by the mantel or in the corner of the room, accented by a nice fern or rubber plant. This sculpture, however, is being used in a pro-life exhibit.

Edwards, whose sculpture of Ted Williams' decapitated head -- which was frozen in the hope that medical science could one day revive the baseball great -- stirred up an artistic storm, said the sculpture of Spears was a "new take on pro-life."
"Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," he said.

Well, not to quibble, but birth is often a fairly bloody mess as well. Not to mention all the other repulsive things that come along with the "miracle" of birth. Don't get me started on that...placenta. Guh.

There are no words

2006-03-28T17:50:00.000-06:00

IMDB Full House Message Board.

Post Title: problem with dj in season 2

who else besides me thinks that DJ was a total bitch in season 2 with stephanie first in kimmy's surprise birthday party episode where she says that stephanie or anyone else can't be at the party well that's not fair cause it's stephanie's house too and she has a right to be anywhere she wants in the house same problem with dj's 13th birthday party than in the valentine's day episode she really tore her head off when steph was wearing dj's new sweater calling her a nerd bomber or something like that she was pretty harsh on her she was one bad sister than she was just a little kid get a grip.Older sisters are such a pain in the ass and i speak from experience i have two sisters myself who were kind of similar with me growing up.

Please do not ask how I can across this. But please do read the 11 point response to this question.

This is why you don't screw with Mother Nature

2006-03-27T10:07:00.000-06:00

It all started innocently enough. Nobody knew how many species inhabited the earth. A dozen? A hundred? More than that?!? Evidence of this scientific controversy is found in a CNN.com article:

"Some people who study insects think there may be as many as 100 million species out there," said Jeff McNeely, the chief scientist at the World Conservation Union.
"But if you took a poll of biologists, I think most would say there are somewhere around 15 million," he told Reuters by telephone from the organization's Swiss headquarters.

They go on to further explain why this might be a problem for the international community of animal people (the so-called "biologists"):

"The implication of not knowing exactly how many species there are is that we can't tell if we are actually making progress on the 2010 target," said McNeely.

I understand the problem. The Biologists want to make sure they don't run out of animals before 2010, causing great embarrassment through the scientific community (and here I'm just referring to the biologists again, don't come crying to the physicists). I can certainly understand this concern, I just don't know if I approve of their methods.

Sure, it was all nice and well in the early stages. You get a horse and a donkey to hump and you get a mule - everyone's happy. Hell, nobody even noticed when they started mixing up the insects because, frankly, they all look the same. And yes, the species count went up. "Progress" was being made. But then the biologists went to far and we've begun to find that nature bites back when you take her for granted...and she has very pointy teeth. Very pointy, indeed.

A couple scientists, locked in a military bunker, exchange high fives. They've done it! They've created the most unlikely of matches.

It wasn't easy. Coaxing a spider and a goat into that most passionate of embraces take skill that few appreciate. It's match making at its highest level. But the job was done and the military was quite pleased. It was the ultimate killing machine: the proportional strength of a spider combined with the voracious appetite of a goat. And fangs. Really, really big, nasty fangs. And a little beard.

Goats have beards.

But as it always seems to, nature finds a way to serve its own purpose, and all the razor wire in the world isn't going to change that. The goat-spider was gone, and the full folly of man's arrogance was about to come to head.

The results...

were devastating.

A legion of the country's finest scientists were called together in a secret think-tanks to advise the government in the best course of action. Naturally, I was there, being a formost expert on all things goat-related. It didn't take long to realize that there was only one person who could handle a destructive force of this magnitude.

Sigorney Weaver!

I veto'd this choice, however. I still haven't forgiven her for Aliens 3 and 4. I mean, Newt survives for months alone in a nest of aliens and then dies in a plane crash?!? GAH! SO. RAGE. FILLED.

(breath...breath...)

Well, they all said, if I did like the solution they came up with, then perhaps I had a suggestion of my own? Well, of course I did. When you are faced with a blood-sucking goat, what better to best it than a goat-sucking monster? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

The Chupacabra!

Laugher filled the room. You fool, they said, there's no such thing are the chupacabra. That's just a myth made up to explain all of the mysteriously sucked goats.

My face turned a deep red. I had to think fast or risk losing my credibility within the scientific community. Then it struck me! My army of the undead!

But, as they say, hindsight is 20-20. Who knew unleashing an army of the undead into the world would be a bad idea?

*shrug*

Got that little blood-sucking bastard, though.

MySpace used to catch bad people

2006-03-25T18:49:00.000-06:00

Using pictures and profiles posted on MySpace, six rapists/robbers were tracked down and arrested.

You see, this is why I question the logic behind iamarapist.blogspot.com.

At some point, it's going to catch up with you.

Preacher Shot in the Back by Wife

2006-03-24T13:45:00.000-06:00

A Tennessee Minister, Matthew Winkler, was found shot in the back, apparently shot by his wife. She has confessed to the murder. From the article:

"Words cannot describe how we all feel about this," said church member Pam Killingsworth, assistant principal at the elementary school where the two older children went to school.
She described Mary Winkler as always seeming like "the perfect mother, the perfect wife," with very loving children.

As a currently living husband, I'm going to have to disagree with the "perfect wife" sentiment. Love means never having to say "sorry I committed first degree murder and took the kids."

Cub News

2006-03-24T09:57:00.000-06:00

For the few who read this site but not Goat Riders (I'm guessing there are about 3 of you), I've written over there about Mr. Mark Prior, the catching situation, and good ol' Dusty.

Just a heads up. Now go read my post below.

Miller

2006-03-23T20:53:00.000-06:00

I was using a urinal at a bar last night and something caught my eye.

Wait, that sounds bad. Let me start over...

I was using the urinal at a bar last night while observing proper urinal etiquette and looking straight ahead and I noticed a sign that was also directly in front of me in my cone of urinal vision. Apparently Bernie's, the bar The Wife and I generally frequent, was having some sort of "design your own T-Shirt" contest with the theme being Miller Lite. I've got some ideas that I think could be winning ones, but I wanted to test them out and see how they look in print. So, bear (bare?) with me during this little exercise.

Miller Lite T-Shirt Design Contest

Concept #1:

Miller Lite,
it only looks like
pee

Concept #2:

Miller Lite,
it's like Bud Light,
only Miller-er

Concept #3

Miller Lite,
Mmmm...now that's a fine
"Pilsner"

Concept #4
Miller Lite,
It's like American culture
in a beer

For this last one, I'm picturing an airbrushed background of an Eagle with an American Flag in its mouth clutching a bottle of Miller Lite. And maybe it could be pooing on Osama or something. The hard part of this is settling on which of these is the most likely winner. I guess my opinion on this would be, with Miller Lite we're all winners.

In other news, we've been getting up earlier recently (I'm not using the "royal we" here, but I also don't mean "me and you" unless you also got up early and then I am talking about you). We were out the door today by 5:00 as The Wife is starting her training to run the detector here at work. For the next 4 months, she (and then later I) will be working these shifts for 7 days straight every three weeks (one week on, two weeks off). They vary from 8am-4pm shift, 4pm-midnight, and midnight-8am. Basically, they represent a big sucking vortex of boredom but are pretty necessary as, without grad student labor, the detector would grind to a halt.

In other news, if you missed this photoshop by Death over at Goat Riders, then you missed out. Don't bother to click on the link (reverse psychology) as it is too late.

funny.

funny.

funny.

A-Team revisited

2006-03-22T17:31:00.000-06:00

Despite there being something like 50 basketball games on every day last weekend, CBS still managed to have overlapping half-times and thus no basketball. Seriously, for an entire, consecutive 20 minutes there was not one bit of basketball being played (unless you count the NIT or the Women's NCAA tourney, which it fine for some people, but I'm proper folk). So I started flipping through the channels and came across The A-Team on one of the 99 different channels on our cable box. Two things about this:

Why do I have 99 channels? Just so I can accidentally come across the A-Team at 5:30 on a Saturday. I don't know why it was on, but there's a 50/50 chance that this is the Mr. T Channel and features such hits as Rocky III and that one episode of"Malcolm and Eddie" he guest-starred in. And, of course, The A-Team (I'm making machine gun noises in my head...are you? No?).
I shouldn't be admitting to only having 99 channels. Admitting that I have less than 200 channels (and have neither Starz nor HBO, let alone Cinemax) clearly reveals a lack of TV watching prowess. I am embarrassed for myself.

But enough about cable, what about The A-Team? Does it age well with time or is it another MacGuyver, a show best seen through the filter of a hazy childhood memory (happiness is never having to realize that Terri Hatcher played Penny Parker, one of MacGuyver's prostitute friends).

Well, I'm going to say that it ages real damn well. I mean, few shows have been as flat-out batshit insane as The A-Team, and insanity is always welcome. We all know the obvious. The crazy one, the ladies man, the bejewelled, mohawked muscle and the grizzled captain comprise a team of outlaws with unlimited access to weapons and explosives. They travel along in a black van and solve problems (very similar to Scooby Doo in this respect) and occasionally bail celebrity guest stars out of jams (no, really, there are differences between this and Scooby Doo).

For example, in the episode I saw, Boy George is in trouble with some hillbillies and calls the A-Team. I missed most of the episode, but I'm guessing there was some sort of gay bashing going on and Boy George was in trouble. For all I know, it was a very special A-Team that every parent should watch with their children. 80's social commentary has always flowed through Mr. T and I think he would pity the fool who was oppressed for their lifestyle.

The hillibillies drove around in Jeep Wranglers whilst the A-Team blew stuff up and shot at the Jeeps. The Jeeps blew up, the A-Team drove on, and Boy George was fully rescued. In the end, a good time was had by all. This is the sort of action that never goes out of style. So, if you ever come across the Mr. T channel as I did, be sure to stop for a bit and spend a little time with the A-Team. You'll be glad you do.

Happy 300th!

2006-03-20T16:39:00.000-06:00

Goat Rider's celebrates its 300th post in style.

And by "in style" I mean "with a post."

A post about 300 posts.

Actually, the post is about 299 posts. The 300th post, being the 300th, can't really be writing about 3oo posts. That would require knowledge of the future, which we don't possess (as evidenced by my remarkable inability to predict...anything).

So, you know, yay for us and all that.

Laundry day (every day)

2006-03-18T18:52:00.000-06:00

Over here at The Corner of Grace and Wayne, we just do too much laundry. We actually do more laundry than any other couple I know.

We wake up and get dressed for work. PJ's go in the laundry and work clothes go on (usually a three-piece suit for me, cocktail dress for The Wife). We come home from work and the work clothes go into the laundry, running clothes go on (usually a three-piece suit for me, cocktail dress for The Wife). We run, come home, shower, and then into normal clothes for the night (unless we go out clubbing or something that night...must. not. laugh....so...improbable).

It's just a lot of clothes each day. Too many. Man was not intended to wash this many clothes. I want to get back to the Adam and Eve days. We could all run around naked except for the fig leaves covering our what-nots. It would be a magical time. You're fig leaf gets dirty? Grow more figs. It's a win-win situation.

No more laundry. Just think about it.

Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-03-16T23:38:00.000-06:00

Indiana, our Indiana
Indiana, we're all for you!
We will fight for the cream and crimson
For the glory of old IU
Never daunted, we cannot falter
In the battle, we're tried and true
Indiana, our Indiana,
Indiana we're all for you! I-U!

Reading Tea Leaves

2006-03-16T12:28:00.000-06:00

I take a stab at predicting Prior's future with the Cubs.

Also, running in God's country.

Surely there must be more?!?

No.

(and don't call me Shirley)

March Madness is upon us

2006-03-15T11:43:00.000-06:00

And it's craaaaaaaaazy!

I really do love March Madness. It's just so...mad. I currently have 3 different brackets entered in three different tournaments and an equal chance of winning with each (zero). Since leaving undergrad, my college basketball knowledge has wilted like LaTroy in a save situation (zing!) and now I am basically one step above the "which mascot is scarier" level of analysis. But, I know where to do my research and so I can make lots of fairly educated guesses (that are all wrong) and this, at least, elevates me above the beasts.

Last year, in a fit of March, um, madness, I kept a running log of my reaction to the games in real time. I was basically the Jack Bauer of the NCAA tourney and the response was about what you would expect.

*crickets*

I probably will spare the world my running commentary this year unless something really exciting happens, like Indiana escaping the first round. Actually, that won't happen, as I'll be watching the Indiana game at Bernies. If anyone else is heading that way, I'll be wearing an IU tube top and a pair of lederhosen (and, of course, a red carnation. But everyone at Bernies wears a red carnation, so that's not much help). Of course, I already know what you look like as I follow you home from work every night and watch you through your living room window. The way your eyes light up when Everybody Love Raymond comes on warms my insides.

So, Cub fans, enjoy March Madness as much as you can because come April time things are going to go rapidly downhill.

Prior injured

2006-03-15T08:39:00.000-06:00

Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(see here for more in-depth commentary)

What I did on my Winter Vacation

2006-03-14T10:02:00.000-06:00

The job of a Physicist is never done, my friends (except for August, when it's done). You work and you work and you fight and you claw and you eat and you poop and still there is more to do. And then, suddenly, there will be a lull. All will grow quiet and the only sounds will be that of your heart beat in your ears and the Neil Diamond record playing softly in the background.

That is the time you should fear.

I remember it well. I had finished up all my work and was leaning back in my plush leather chair when the phone suddenly leapt to life (not really, it just rang). I snatched the handle off the receiver (or is that the other way around?) and the a voice barked at me from the other line. I was confused at first as I rarely get calls from dogs of any breed, but then my confusion ebbed as I the dog's owner took over the conversation. It was the president and he needed my help. I can't tell you what he said as it was highly classified and, well, the poor grammar is hard to translate to print. Suffice to say, it was time for terrorism to take a back seat to freedom.

So I hung up the receiver, put my pants back on, and called up my wife.

"Honey," I said to her, although that wasn't her real name, "Honey, put the frozen pizza back in the freezer, I'm not coming home tonight. Duty calls and freedom waits for no man." To which she replied something about freedom, food on the table, leaving me...the details are really not important, but she was behind me fully and I was invited to take as long as I needed.

Great was my haste and so I requisitioned the Fermi-copter and flew swiftly over the frozen tundra of suburban Chicago. I bid adieu to my adopted homeland, the good old Windy City, as I knew I would probably never return. Because I would be dead.

I flew and then I flew some more until I reached the White House and touched down lightly on the helipad. As I dismounted my twirly steed (which I always bring with me when I take the Fermi-copter), the president approached me with a grave expressions on his drawn, haggard, everyday American face. Jason, he said, thank god you're here. He then made some sort of simile between a horse, three midgets, and terrorism which I could really followed, but the gist of it was that terrorism was bad and we had to stop it. And maybe something about a circus...possibly a pony...I'm not entirely clear on the details.

I leapt to action (some would argue it was a prance, but I'm sticking with leap) and started barking orders. Once someone pointed out that I was barking, I laughed and attributed it to jet lag, and began issuing orders in plain, American, freedom loving English.

(aaaaaannnd...fade out)

So that gives you a little taste of the sort of pressure I was under this winter. I'm sure, given the circumstances, you all can understand why I might not have been writing on a daily basis. After all, America comes before even my most loyal readers. You don't hate America, do you? Why do you hate freedom?

As you have probably noticed, the world is now largely at peace and so my job is done. It's back to near-daily writing for me and the purpose is now back in your life. That's my gift to you: purpose. You can thank me with monetary donations (send all check to The Corner of Grace and Wayne, Chicago, IL 60613).

You may have noticed that my links have been updated. A new addition is GoGoTypeMonkey replacing The Daily Changey Thing - same author, same funny, new name. Also, I highly recommend Alien Loves Predator as it is crazy funny.

Regarding the Cub blogs, I've trimmed the links down some. It seems that many of these blogs had not been updating in a long, long time and so I've declared them defunct. However, I was not terribly scientific in my excising, so if you feel that your site is still funct, drop me a line in either the comments box or via e-mail and I will re-add you to the links. And, let me assure you, it wasn't because I hate you and your site (I probably just hate you), but mostly because I'm an idiot.

Also, let me take this time to remind everyone that there is still daily Cubs content over a Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. This is the fastest growing Cubs' site on the web and is a great chance to invest in the future because, let's face it, the really good Cub sites don't love you like we do. We'll give you the sort of clingy, desperate love you need. The same kind of love you give your wife in the pathetic hope that she won't realize she's way too good for you and run off with a used car salesman. Good luck with that, by the way.

Also, I encourage you to check out Marathon Training, a site that my wife and I both write on about our marathon training and whatever else comes up. It's funny and interesting, but you will probably need a nap after reading about our exhausting schedule. Which is okay, because I think you could use a nap anyway. You're getting cranky. But really, you should definitely do read this post if nothing else as there are some really cool pictures from Washington D.C. which will stir the patriotic embers of your inner fire.

Noah's Ark found by satellite

2006-03-13T15:12:00.000-06:00

...massive "I told you so" echoes throughout Christian community.

There's science, there's good science, and then there's the best science ever. If you head over to the front page of CNN.com, we find that we are closing in on Noah's Ark. The Noah's Ark of two-by-two fame.

Images taken by aircraft, intelligence-gathering satellites and commercial remote-sensing spacecraft are fueling an intensive study of the intriguing oddity. But whether the anomaly is some geological quirk of nature, playful shadows, a human-made structure of some sort, or simply nothing at all that remains to be seen.

Sure, it could be a coincidental set of shadows from a satellite image. That's what the Doubty McQuestion-a-lot conspiracy theorists would try to tell you. I mean it could be anything. In an attempt to solve this mystery, let's break it down.

We know there exists a book out there that tells of a boat captained by the last good man on earth, Noah.
This book is the best selling book in the history of books (narrowly beating out The Firm)
There aren't any best-selling book about curious shadows, although I think there was an episode of Scooby Doo about this. The Shadow, however, just turned out to be Mr. McGreevey, the creepy old carnival owner.

So, we have the following options at hand to explain this satellite image:

1) A natural rock formation casting interest shadows

2) A 5000 year old boat that once held two of every species of animal on Earth and weathered 40 days and 40 nights of rain which was sent down by God to kill all the people, except for Noah, who stayed dry and lived on to re-populate the earth. There's also a bird and a olive branch and a rainbow, but I don't want to get political here.

Now, I'm not going to get all judgey and try to convince you one way or the other, but let me say this. There is absolutely no proof that this is just a natural, somewhat boat-shaped rock formation. So, until someone can definitively prove that this is not a 500 year old boat, I'm going with the boat story.

With the all the new technology at our disposal, we seem to be finding more and more amazing, unexplainable things every day. This is just the latest in a long line of unexplainable phenomenon.

So now we've got the Boat on Earth

The Face on Mars:

And the Man on the Moon

P.S. - The Wife's back from D.C.

This and That

2006-03-07T07:41:00.000-06:00

Commuting is a weird experience when we leave at rush hour. We take the Metra from Chicago to Wheaton and everyone (no, literally, everyone) is coming into Chicago from the suburbs. It's this overwhelming current of people rushing over us, trying to drive us back into the city. The Wife says we're like salmon trying to swim upstream. I'd agree except for the shocking lack of spawning opportunities at our final destination.
I recently purchased a pre-viewed copy of Crash at the local Blockbuster. I love the whole pre-viewed thing. It removes the indignity of having the view it yourself for the first time...like some sort of animal.
Over at Goatriders, Death reports that Neifi isn't simply content to backup Cedeno. I'm beginning to think Death is trying to kill me with posts like that...which actually makes perfect sense.
Cute baby pictures and running...this could quite easily lead to world peace.

Another link

2006-02-27T16:45:00.000-06:00

Over at Cubbiepalooza, there is a really interesting analysis of some of Rich Lederer's work on K/100 pitches. There are plots and tables and everything. It's sort of like the analysis you will find on this site, except the exact opposite.

Bullpen report

2006-02-27T13:40:00.000-06:00

Not here, of course, because that would require me to actually write on this site. Over at GROTA, though, I have written an exhaustively research preview of the Cubs' bullpen situation. Go check it out.

Also, we've been running and running and The Wife has been keeping track with constant updates. I chime in occasionally too (about as often as I've written over here. Luckily she writes well enough that nobody misses me). Running in Chicago! Catch the Fever!!

2006-02-22T22:57:00.000-06:00

R.I.P. Missy

Oddities

2006-01-26T11:41:00.000-06:00

Scientists discovery world's smallest fish

First off, how do they know that it's the world's smallest fish? Because I'm sure that at one time there was another fish that was thought to be the smallest fish before this little usurper came along. Maybe they should just hedge their bets and go with: "Very small fish found." Scientists always want their things to be the smallest. From the article:

Mature females of the Paedocypris progenetica, a member of the carp family, only grow to 7.9 millimeters (0.31 inches) and the males have enlarged pelvic fins and exceptionally large muscles that may be used to grasp the females during copulation, researchers wrote in the Proceedings of the Royal Society, published Wednesday by the Royal Society in London.

Damn. One usually has to pay for talk like that.

Cubs purchase Pagan

This never would have happened if JP2 were still around. Get with it, Vatican!

And finally, the third (fourth?) Goatrider of the Apocalypse, Bob, has written an excellent piece, taking a look at next year's pitching staff. Actually, there's lots of good stuff over there. Check it out.

Linking things

2006-01-23T14:45:00.000-06:00

Okay, here's a few fun things:

The Daily Changey Thing over at jamierieger.com has shut down (that's not the fun part) and has been replaced with an official blog'y-like blog: GoGoTypeMonkey! (<- fun part) Here you will find all sorts of wacky links and short little observations. There's still plenty of good things at jamierieger.com as well, like this.

Over at Goatriders, we have started to break down the Cubs' future in 2006. So far Kurt/Death has taken a swing at our infield (well, not literally...although I wish someone would take a Kerrigan-style wacky at Neifi) and I've tackled the catcher position (again, not literally...they're bigger than me). There will be more of the same throughout the month over at GROTA.

The Wife and I have also started running and working out again. The holidays were all good and fun, but one can only sit on one's ass for so long eating cheeseburgers before the need to exercise begins to weigh heavily on one's conscience (and by "one" I mean "me"). There are also some truly outstanding pictures of us that were taken with the camera built into our new iMac Intel Duo (or whatever it's officially called). They are fairly hilarious, if I do say so myself. If you head over there, you will also find liberal use of The Wife's new toy, Google Earth.

News and Notes

2006-01-18T11:58:00.000-06:00

AP: Castro says U.S. afraid to face Cuba in Classic

U.S. bombs Cuba.

Sago mine survivor awakening

...realizes upon waking up that he still has a job as a miner. Goes back to sleep.

Former tennis ace to serve jail time

HAHAHAHAHAHA...

Get it! "Serve", like in tennis! It's a pun!!

Woooooooo...

I think I just peed a drop.

NASA delays Pluto launch again

...that poor dog isn't ever going to get into space. What a Mickey Mouse organization.

Best. Weekend. Ever.

2006-01-12T16:56:00.000-06:00

...at least on paper, anyway.

The kids over at GROTA and I will be heading over to the Cubs' Convention this weekend to shake down Dusty for some answers to all of our questions. This will be my first Cubs Con and I'm looking forward to getting Doug Dascenzo to sign one of my 26 1988 Topps Doug Dascenzo cards. Or maybe The Hawk will give me an autograph on my Donruss Diamond Kings card. The possibilities are nearly endless (disclaimer: possibilities are actually entirely finite).

But that's not all! On Sunday, my Colts will play the Steelers at noon and then my adopted team, the Bears, will take on the Panthers. Unless something bad happens, I should be both elated and loaded by the end of the weekend.

Karmicly speaking, I'm going to watch carefully for buses when crossing the street and keep an eye out for open manholes whilst walking (get your mind out of the gutter) as this weekend should be too good to be true.

Head on over to GROTA, if you haven't already, and check out the questions we plan on asking Dusty and track the events of the weekend.

Writers still don't get it

2006-01-11T13:39:00.000-06:00

I think it goes without saying that I am smarter than all the Baseball Writers of America. After all, most of them probably don't even have a blog. And I do...have a blog.

So, that being said, they were wrong yesterday and I am, and will continue to be, right.

I agree that Sutter should have made the Hall but he is at the bottom of the list of player that I think should have made it. That list includes, in order:

Bert Blyleven
Alan Trammel
Andre Dawson
Goose Gossage
Bruce Sutter

Question: How does Bruce Sutter make it and Gossage miss? It boggles the mind. I'm boggled.

Question: How does Sutter make it into the Hall but a player with an almost identical career (Doug Jones) drop off in the first year? I'm not suprised, but it is wrong.

Question: How does Will the Thrill drop off in the first year? He had as good a career as Jim Rice and Rice garnered over 60% of the vote. How quickly we forget what a great player he was before he settled into simply being a very good one (and how quickly we undervalue OBP and defense).

So fine, Sutter's in the Hall. I have no problem with that. I just wish that a few others had also made it.

(Note: in my previous entry, I forgot to discuss Jim Rice, Dave Concepcion, and Tommy John. This isn't because I consider them Hall of Famers, but rather because the list was long and my brain addled. Too bad, too, as they are three interesting candidates)

This Year's HOF Ballot: The Almosts

2006-01-08T09:23:00.000-06:00

Once again it's time for the Baseball Writers of America to attempt to rectify their many transgressions against the unrecognized greats of baseball and send in their annual ballot of worthies.

...um, that is, it's time to vote for the Hall of Fame again.

The great Bleed Cubbie Blue site was kind enough to post a list of this year's hopefuls and, in a completely coincidental turn of fate, that same list shows up on my site in the same order and format:

Rick Aguilera, Albert Belle, Bert Blyleven, Will Clark, Dave Concepcion, Andre Dawson, Gary DiSarcina, Alex Fernandez, Gary Gaetti, Steve Garvey, Dwight Gooden, Rich Gossage, Ozzie Guillen, Orel Hershiser, Gregg Jefferies, Tommy John, Doug Jones, Don Mattingly, Willie McGee, Hal Morris, Jack Morris, Dale Murphy, Dave Parker, Jim Rice, Lee Smith, Bruce Sutter, Alan Trammell, Walt Weiss and John Wetteland.

Basically, this is a list of any players with 10 years of playing time and have been retired at least 5 years. There are few names that leap out an scream HOF to the casual reader but, with a little work, we find that there are some unlikely names that deserve strong consideration. Today, I am going to look at everyone but those that make my ballot. Later, I will look at those that actually qualify.

First, the chaff:

Gary DiSarcina, Ozzie Guillen (sorry South Siders), Gregg Jefferies, Hal Morris (great batting style, tho), and Walt Weiss. These were all largely mediocre players who's only claim to fame is playing baseball for a long time.

Getting those guys out of the way, we can take a more in-depth look at the remaining hopefuls. I will list them (approximately) in the order in which I consider them worthy and the analysis increases with worthiness (again, approximately).
The Almost:

John Wetteland - Wetteland certainly had a dominant peak. For about 8 years, Wetteland was the definition of the dominant closer posting 330 saves with a 2.93 era. However, in this age of one inning closers, you need more than 8 good years to get in as a reliever. Pass.

Rick Aguilera - You could probably flip him with Wetteland. Aguilera hung on a bit longer but had a slightly worse peak. Plus, I hate him for his performance for the Cubs. Pass.

Willie McGee - Decent Batting average, few walks, no power. McGee managed a few really good seasons, but for the most part he was below a below average right fielder. And, of course, he loses points for being a Cardinal. Pass.

Gary Gaetti - For one quarter of a season Gary Gaetti was a god in Chicago. However, for the most part, he was just a pretty good player for a long time. 360 career homers is nice from a good fielding third baseman, but a .308 career OBP and .255 career Batting average just doesn't cut it. He had a good run in the majors, but I will Pass.

Dwight Gooden - I need to be sure I save this entry for when Darryl Strawberry comes around. Gooden was, as I'm sure everyone knows, a frighteningly talented player who ruined himself with drug. His career was 35% success story, 65% after-school special. His peak was about as peaky as can be, but his career was pretty short and he doesn't win too many extra character points. Sadly, his son appears to be just about as screwed up as he is.

Orel Hershiser - Had a long career as an above average pitcher with a few excellent seasons mixed in early on. Arm problems de-railed him, though, and he ended up being just another entry in the Hall of Very Good. However, he is certainly less than HOF caliber and, like all of us, will need to buy a ticket to get in.

Dave Parker - Parker was a very good player for a long time. While I never personally saw him play, I have heard the legends regarding his rocket arm. That being the case, he certainly deserves some credit on defense. He was also a very good hitter for about 15 seasons, although not a great hitter. Another entry in the Hall of Very Good.

Albert Belle - Plus: Unbelievably strong peak. When Albert was on, he was the best. He could hit for both average and power, putting up a 50 double/50 homer season as well as a season with a .350+ BA. He would give you RBI's and he would walk. In short, for a 5 year span, he was the most dominant hitter in the league (career OPS+ of 158). Minuses: He was also a zero on defense and, because of an arthritic condition, only managed 10 seasons. He was also a total prick, although I view that as a non-factor. Had he played another 5 or so years at this level, or had any defensive value, I think he would be a lock to get in. However, as it is, he remains just shy of induction and does not make my ballot.

Don Mattingly - His peak was tremendous and his glove was legendary, but his spectacular power drop-off means that he was only HOF worthy for about 6 years. That is far too short a peak to make it onto my ballot. 9 Gold Gloves is impressive, but first base defense is not on par with middle infield defense value-wise, and so he can't make it in on his glove alone. Sorry Don.

Will Clark - Will Clark will always be highly underrated due to the fact that he got off to a tremendous start in his career and then lost most of his player midway through. However, even after losing his pop, he still was a very valuable player due to his ability to get on base. Also, he was a very good gloveman. A six-time All-Star and one time MVP and gold glover, he was the league's top first-baseman for the early part of his career (or close to it, anyway). He also managed a career OPS 38% better than league average which compares favorably with many Hall of Famers. However, a mix of a short career and some durability issues leaves him on the outside looking in and he falls shy.

Steve Garvey - As far as I can tell, he was clearly overrated in his time. That is the only way I can explain the consistently high results in MVP voting and all the All-Star games. He was a very good player, no doubt. However, his stats are not so hot other than Batting Average. He didn't take very many walks and his power was only middling. He gets extra points for his defense but a first baseman needs to hit a bit better than Garvey ever did to make the hall. Either that, or he needs to maintain the consistency for a very long time, which Garvey didn't manage to do. Plus, I don't like him. He's out.

Lee Smith - He's the all-time leader in a made up stat! Wee! Of course, he's got about 3 more years of being the all-time leader and, of course, Jeff Reardon was also once the all-time leader. Lee was a very good reliever for a very long time. Giving the mercurial nature of closers/relievers, he gets extra points for this. However, his peak was never great enough to qualify as a truly great reliever. He was very, very good but never great and, with relievers, I think the peak has to be pretty transcendent. No Hall for you!

Jack Morris - ...speaking of overrated. Did you know he once pitched a 10 inning shutout in the playoffs! 10 innings! What a clutch performer. Never mind the fact that Morris's career ERA in the playoffs was barely better than his career regular season ERA. He had the most wins in the 80's, sure, but Mark Grace had the most hits in the 90's and I doubt he will make the Hall. Over his entire career, he was only 5% better than league average, which is just as unimpressive as it sounds. He was a good pitcher. He was a durable pitcher. And he was a lucky pitcher. What he was not is a great pitcher. Frankly, the whole Jack Morris for HOF thing baffles me.

Dale Murphy - Another big peak, big drop-off player. I think these guys are pretty hard to evaluate. Murphy was one of the top players in the NL for half his career, but for the other half he killed his team. He was a great defender and a few time MVP and I could probably be convinced to vote for him...but I'm not convinced. He's close, but I don't think he makes the cut.

Doug Jones - Did I really put Doug Jones is high on my list? The Doug Jones. The keeper of the 72 mph fastball? Yes, I did. Consider:

Doug Jones: 1128.3 innings, 909 K's, 7.25 K/9, 303 saves, 130 ERA+, 15 seasons
Bruce Sutter: 1042 innings, 861 K's, 7.43 K/9, 300 saves, 136 ERA+, 12 seasons (10 full)

Bruce Sutter's closest comp on baseballreference.com? No other than Doug Jones.

People have overlooked Doug Jones's greatness because of the fact that he didn't register on the radar guns. Jones combined excellent control with a devastating changup and was one of baseball's best relievers for several years...and few noticed. He will never sniff the Hall. Hell, he probably will drop off the ballot in his first year of eligibility. He doesn't make my cut only because of the fact that he was another 1 inning closer of the modern era and these fellas need to be pretty special to get my vote.

Coming later: those that actual make my ballot.

Happy 2006

2006-01-06T14:04:00.000-06:00

Actually, this post has nothing to do with 2006 or being happy. It is an entirely misleading title in which I play on the public's love for new years.

No, the purpose of this post is to make sure that people who are new to this site are immediately confronted by that moronic post on gummi candy. I admit it was lame. It was poorly written and fairly pointless. But, the past is the past, and with the new year I vow to write stuff more good (note: that was me being wacky...because, you see, that was bad english but I was referring to writing well. Get it? Funny stuff).

I mean, not this...no, this post will also suck.

Basically, I'm in some sort of major writting funk. I've tried many times to write a post and each time I have deleted it with disgust. I don't know why, but all my ideas have either been non-existent or I have not been able to put them into words. I'm not worried, though. The same thing happened around the time of the marathon - probably just a stress thing. I'm guessing I will return to normal right around mid-February after I finish my analysis. The good news? This is just in time for Spring Training, the happiest time of the year!

The Gummi Revolution

2005-12-21T11:48:00.000-06:00

Christmas has always held a special place in my heart for many reasons, and most of those reasons involve candy. I mentioned it before around Halloween but it bears repeating: holidays are defined by their candy selection. Holloween is the easy one, sure, but please don't dismiss Christmas too quickly. Between all the varieties of candy cane and all the chewy peppermint thingies, Christmas is a close second (with Valentines day jogging along in third). Christmas is the mint holiday. This is the only season that brings about the odd juxtapostion of minty fresh breath and filmy teeth. In short, there is nothing wrong with Christmas candy.

Nothing.

But this Christmas is extra special. This Christmas The Wife and I will be taking a road trip (ROAD TRIP WOO!!!) down to Florida to see the family. What does this have to do with candy? Well, what's a road trip (ROAD TRIP WOO!!!!) without a four pound bag of gummi candy from Mr. Bulky? Nothing. A road trip (ROAD TR- nevermind, this is getting silly) is nothing without candy.

Nothing.

Mr. Bulky (or whatever Mr. Bulky-esque store we actually found) is sort of a wonderland of candy. Nowhere else will one find gummi alligators. Or sharks. Or gummi-filled turtles.

Now, you might think that a gummi catterpillar tastes the same as a gummi dinosaur...but that's just you revealing your ignorance. Much like pasta, the different shapes are essential to the candy. After all, if you bite the head off a gummi army man, you are just partaking in sugary goodness. If you bite off the head of a real army man, and you're just an insurgent. And, as always, nobody likes and insurgent.

Nobody.

So I guess you can consider this my holiday post.

Christmas Candy = good

Gummi Candy = even better

road trip = ROAD TRIP WOO!!!!!!!!!

Will I ever post again?

2005-12-12T19:07:00.000-06:00

All signs point to "yes"

(no really, I'll post some day. I'm adjusting to my new "absurdly busy working 14 hour days" schedule)

The Lineup

2005-12-09T10:25:00.000-06:00

I posted a little piece yesterday regarding the Cubs's outfield over at Goatriders, so I don't want to get into that issue. Suffice to say, we are short one right fielder and speculation is rampant as to who the Cubs might get.

I'm sure this issue has been addressed on dozens of other blogs and websites, but one more time can't hurt. The Cubs' lineup to date (as construsted by Jason):

Pierre
Walker
DLee
Aramis
Murton
Barrett
Patterson
Cedeno/Neifi

The first four are pretty solid, but things get a bit bleak after that...shades of 1998.

We need a right fielder, that much I'm sure of. I don't really care if he is a power hitter or not, I'd just like him to be a *good* hitter. In fact, if we could get one of the solid OBP types, like Wilkerson or Bradley, I would really be happiest. I like my bases clogged.

Then there is the issue of Shortstop. I'd really be happiest with Tejada, but that is probably a pipe dream. On the other hand, I never thought they would get Nomar, either. If not Tejeda, the options begin to get pretty lame. Lugo? No thanks.

There wasn't much content to this post, I know, but I really just wanted to get Dubya off the top of my page. I'm sure at some point I'll follow this up with a more in depth look at the Cubs team as a whole. Consider this a mere summary with more to follow.

Things moving

2005-11-30T15:10:00.000-06:00

...in some direction.

I'm not entirely sure that direction could be considered "forward", but it's not really my place to judge. What am I talking about?

We've gone from this:
To this:
Plan for victory? This is the best they could come up with? I think, four years into this, that they need to put forth a bit more than "Plan for Victory."

Also, I was watching CNN this morning and they showed a nice speech given by John Kerry (others spoke as well, but I only caught Kerry). He called out the President on some rather lame tactics that were employed in his speech this morning. I'm sure you all are aware, but the President assured the American people that we wouldn't run away from car bombers and the like just because of some artifical date. This would be a good point on the President's part if only someone, anyone, had suggested that America run away from the car bombers. Or if anyone had requested a dooms day date, which has never been requested. Putting up a straw-man argument just to knock it down is a worthless argument and only works on the weak willed. Sort of like the Jedi mind-trick, but without the hard guesture.

I'm glad that someone pointed out how ridiculous the entire speech was from the President. I don't really think anyone is buying it anymore, though, as the numbers just keep on falling.

Oh wait, should try to be funny...

funny...

um...

Poo!

Patriot Act starting to work

2005-11-29T15:57:00.000-06:00

Some of the more reclusive terrorist "formations" are beginning to "crack". You might say the US foriegn policy is "crystalizing" in this post-9/11 word.

...

Frozen Water!

...anyway, this is the latest from CNN:

Iceberg 'sings under pressure'

And in creepier news...

Iowa scientist seeks funds for body farm

Iowa's rich topsoil and climate have nourished some of the United States' most plentiful corn and soybean crops. Tyler O'Brien wants to learn more about their influence on rotting corpses.

(I wonder what Kansas has to say about this)

So, what's property value is like in the area surounding a couple acres of decaying corpses? Better or worse than living next to a rendering factory? I have so many questions that I don't even know where to begin.

Is there a section set aside for Cabbage Patch Kids?

Isn't this the equivalent of volunteering to live on an ancient Indian burial ground?

Did the idea for this come about after eating 3 bags of Sour Patch Kids while watching The Matrix?

What's career day like for the kids of one of these body farmers? I'm pretty sure it's either the best day ever or the most humiliating. Probably depends on their age. More importantly, what's "show and tell" like?

And, because it's jsut too easy:

Everything else first

2005-11-28T19:52:00.000-06:00

The Cubs seem to be well on their way to filling all the *other* holes (for more info, try searching the internet for "filling other holes"). What are these "other" holes that I speak of? Is it legal to suround the same word with both asterices and quotes in the same paragraph? The answer to all these question and more, after this:

What has been going on while I haven't been writing? Well, I haven't been running and, unlike some, I haven't being involved in squirrel-hijinx. Nope, I was basically just spending my time doing nothing.

Okay, back to the Cubs. The Cubs have many, many holes going into 2006. At the end of 2005, they sucked at the following positions: Outfield, shortstop, bullpen, and bench. Before the winter comes to a close, these position issues must be resolved or the season will be over before it starts.

What have they done so far? Well, the first thing Hendry did was address the bullpen by inking two solid relievers. Basically, they landed the best lefty and best righty available, non-closer-pixie-dust division. The other first thing he did was solidify the bench. Neifi was signed for lots of money because he can catch the ball, and Jon Mabry is rumored to be coming to the Northside as well, and he is a solid bat off the bench. Assuming that the Cubs acquire a real shortstop and Neifi is simply a backup, these are two solid bench players. And best of all, nobody could ever accuse Mabry of being a starter. He was never Rookie of the Year and he was never anointed the future of anything, so Mabry shouldn't threaten Murton's job. No, the biggest threat to Murton's job is still Dusty.

So now we can happily say that there is nothing left to do but everything else.

(and no, in is not strickly legal to use both asterices and quotes for the same word. Italices would be more appropriate).

Sorry

2005-11-26T09:13:00.000-06:00

...for not posting in such a long time. First work was a big hassle and then the holidays - you know how it is.

Anyway, I don't have anything all that interesting to say. Cubs have signed two middle relievers but no leadoff man. Rumors are they still have a chance at Pierre and Furcal.

Hmmm...

Well, anyway, probably more to come on Monday.

Happy belated Thanksgiving.

Chicago is blowing away, Part II

2005-11-17T08:25:00.000-06:00

The winter sucks, but this Fall to Winter transition is the worst part. Last night it was 23 degrees with 20 mph wind, giving the same effective temperature as the surface of Pluto. Which is very cold. Did you know? Pluto is the same temperature as Liquid Nitrogen? So, if Terminator 2 had occured on Pluto, the old, crappy Terminator would have won immediately as the new, liquid-y Terminator would have simply frozen on the spot. One swift bullet and...*shatter*. But anyway, running in this was not as bad as I thought it would be.

Chicago is blowing away

2005-11-16T16:58:00.000-06:00

and this wind is causing me some difficulties.

Otters need more living space

2005-11-16T12:15:00.000-06:00

Otters winning battle of wits

From the article:

In an admission that the slick-furred creatures refuse to respect boundaries imposed by man, authorities want to officially abandon their otter-relocation policy.

Rabbit Season!

2005-11-15T17:10:00.000-06:00

Duck Season!

Rabbit Season!

Duck Season!

Nope...it's Grizzly season. Good news Mr. Bear, you're not endangered anymore! Bad news Mr. Bear, you're not endangered anymore.

A-Rod wins MVP

2005-11-15T12:39:00.000-06:00

...sportswriter dials up the stupid.

In one of the worst articles I've ever read...ever, Scott Miller discusses how worthless Alex Rodriguez really is. Disclaimer: I am totally indifferent to A-Rod. He's a great player, but I neither like nor dislike him.

A few tidbits (for the non-native English crowd, that means bits of tid) from the article:

There is no question that A-Rod is one of the game's greatest -- perhaps the greatest -- and that from April through September, he deserves every single cheer he gets.

But the Yankees don't pay players millions upon millions of dollars to win individual awards. And the evidence so far not only is that the Yankees have failed to win a World Series in either of A-Rod's two seasons in pinstripes, but that A-Rod is one of the primary reasons why.

So, if I'm reading this correctly, A-Rod is possibly the greatest player in the game, but is also one of the primary reasons why the Yankees have failed to win the World Series in the last two years.

Where to start? First of all, I'm pretty sure only 2 of 32 teams have won a World Series in the past 2 years, so the odds of the Yankees winning the World Series in any given two years span is, what? 75%? 85%? I suppose it depends on the East Coast Bias...and, um, there's a formula somewhere. The point is that the Yankees are, on occasion, going to miss the World Series. So, you know, at least a quarter of the time there won't be a single Yankee in the World Series. I mean, not one.

Also, it seems questionable to pin the failures of a team on their greatest player. Call me crazy but maybe Bernie Williams is somewhat to blame. Or, perhaps, any pitcher on the Yankees staff not named Rivera.

With 48 home runs, Rodriguez set a new AL record for homers by a third baseman and snapped Joe DiMaggio's 68-year-old Yankees record for home runs by a right-handed hitter (46). He batted .321 with 130 RBI and, just as impressively, has transformed himself into a Gold Glove third baseman in only his second season at the position (one big argument in favor of A-Rod winning rather than Ortiz, a designated hitter).

Still, many of the overriding touchstone moments of A-Rod's career -- so far -- mostly are ones he surely would like to forget.

In Rodriguez's second ALCS in 2000, Roger Clemens -- then of the Yankees -- delivered a close shave up-and-in that buckled A-Rod's knees early in Game 4, and those knees never stopped quivering. He went 0-for-3 with two strikeouts that afternoon, the Mariners lost a series-turning game in Safeco Field and never recovered.

Um, not to let facts get in the way or anything, but Clemens proceeded to throw a one hitter in that game and the Yankees won 5-0. Rodriguez was one of three people to even get on base. Sometimes, the greatest right handed pitcher of all time is going to throw a good game. It happens. But let's forget about the staggering numbers A-Rod has put up in his Hall of Fame career - he once went 0-3!!!!

He is a great player who sometimes thinks too much, a superstar who remains uncomfortable in his own Gucci shoes.

Okay, come on now. Was this really necessary? Doesn't every player in baseball make enough money to afford Gucci shoes? Even Derek Jeter, captain of team hussle, could afford at least one pair. This is just a petty, petty man expressing his bitterness that he drives a Dodge Stratus while A-Rod can afford a Bentley. Baseball players make lots of money! News at 7!

I honestly don't understand how articles like this make it into the mainsteam media. And I hate to do this. You know, "intrepid blogger catches professional writer in web of stupidity". I never want to be "that guy". But, really, this was just so bad that I couldn't pass it up.

Besides, I didn't have any original ideas of my own.

Want to know who I would be if I were a superhero? link.

...

2005-11-14T15:03:00.000-06:00

Nothing from here today. Check out this or this for actual content.

Original content tomorrow (most likely).

(links are safe)

Just because Pat Robertson is a doofus

2005-11-11T16:59:00.000-06:00

JamieRieger.com has a hilarious cartoon up in response to Pat Robertson's recent ravings.

Go check it out.

The Debate rages on

2005-11-10T14:33:00.000-06:00

I've decided to pull something out of the comments regarding the whole "Macroevolution isn't testable" fallacy.

First off, Jamie r. posted a link to The scientific case for common descent.

(from the article)

"In the following list of evidences, 30 major predictions of the hypothesis of common descent are enumerated and discussed. Under each point is a demonstration of how the prediction fares against actual biological testing. Each point lists a few examples of evolutionary confirmations followed by potential falsifications.

...

It must be stressed that this approach to demonstrating the scientific support for macroevolution is not a circular argument: the truth of macroevolution is not assumed a priori in this discussion. Simply put, the theory of universal common descent, combined with modern biological knowledge, is used to deduce predictions. ..."

(me again)

I think there seems to be some confusion regarding what it means to "test a theory." Once again, I pulled this out of the comments (these are my words):

Let's look at the theory of gravity. The many equations we have regarding the way thinks fall in a gravitational field (all based off of F=ma) are based on nothing but observation of evidence. There is nothing before F=ma. You can't derive F=ma from another equation. We simply looked at some evidence, it said F=ma, and there you go. You can't argue with Nature.

So then we look at evolution. There's a certain body of evidence. This "theory" describes that evidence. So I guess they wrote an equation: lightening+cell=human or something to that effect. What can you do? You can't stop nature, you can only hope to contain her.

You see, that's what it means to say that macroevolution is testable. We see evidence and we see how that evidence agrees with theory. Just like with gravity or relativity.

There are so many misconceptions regarding evolution, the definition of a theory, and the purpose of science. It is a good idea to read up on these concepts before attacking them.

Intelligent Design's back, baby!

2005-11-09T10:47:00.000-06:00

This time with 20% more stupid.

Today, in response to the frustrating and backwards ruling in Kansas allowing the teaching of intelligent design as an "alternative" to evolution, I am reposting my argument against this pseud0-science (with some re-edits). The following was originally posted on August 3rd. Also, you can head over to On Religion where Scott makes a similar argument.

Warning: This entry is not particularly funny. It is good for you, though...like broccoli. Which is also not funny, but can prevent cancer. Cancer really isn't funny. I can't promise that this entry will prevent cancer, but I can't promise that it won't, either. Just to be on the safe side, I would go ahead and read it. And eat some broccoli.

The Kansas Board of Education has voted to introduce Intelligent Design into the science curriculum. In response, I am knashing my teeth and making all sorts of nasty, angry sounds.

The key players in this debate are very proud of the fact that they are going to promote academic freedom and "[get rid] of a lot of dogma that's being taught in the classroom today." I'm not sure exactly what dogma they are referring to as I'm guessing that there is some dogma that would appeal to the board members and it probably involves a benevolent being with a snowy white beard and a very large index finger. And maybe a cloud of smoke. And the word poof.

And, to be certain, it involves a big, deep, echoing void of logic. Sort of a logic black hole, where no reasonable thought can escape.

But, the point of this post is not to insult the board. No, the point of this post is to present an argument against the teaching of intelligent design in schools. I will briefly explain what intelligent design is, the arguments for intelligent design, the arguments against, and my personal view on the matter.

In the end, you will see that there is nothing scientific or reasonable about intelligent design and it will be clear that this is just a thinly veiled religious argument.

The Reasoning:

The argument is, if schools teach a "theory like evolution" (it's just a theory, dammit!), then they should also teach alternate theories. You know, just in the interest of completeness. You gotta be fair. Of course, I would then argue that if you are going to teach those two theories (I'm using theory loosely here, intelligent design is not a theory) then you should teach all possibilities. I'm rounding up all my lobbyists to push my "Invisible gnomes shaped life through interpretive dance" theory into the biology textbooks. After all, there is no way to disprove it. Go ahead and try. Anyway, this idea that evolution is no more valid than any other theory is why we have reached this point. What is never mentioned is that there are a few more theories out there that nobody seems to attack, namely Gravity and Relativity. Really, though, they are just theories too.

Intelligent Design is not a theory

But seriously, why do I think it is absolutely, unequivocally wrong to teach intelligent design in the classroom? The answer is that it is not a theory, but more a flight of fancy. Like most Republican agendas, it is based more on scoffing and insults than on bearing the burden of proof. Let's look at some of the arguments brought up against evolution by proponents of intelligent design and see why they don't hold water.

The Classical

"If you find a watch in the desert, odds are someone put it there; it didn't form on its own." This is paraphrasing an argument put forth by William Paley in 1802.

Life is incredibly complex, it's true, and so one can see how the idea of a super-being guiding the formation of life would be a popular one. But I think the problem is an inability to grasp just how long hundreds of millions of years really is. Over these hundreds of years, environment drives life to adapt, to change...or die. Those that fail to develop don't win in the quest for food and mates and don't get to proceed on to the next generation. I'm sure this isn't really news to anyone as I'm really just summarizing the idea of survival of the fittest. After all, nobody claims that evolution is "random" or "spontaneous." I agree that it is unlikely that a bunch of molecules would suddenly decided to form a monkey, but give it 100 million years and the forces or environment and before you know it you are dodging feces.

If you break down the argument of the watch in the desert to its true essence, the argument is really "it just seems too hard, it couldn't happen." That isn't such a good argument for science, but it is perfect for theology. While it makes for great Sunday School, it has no place in a biology class. The more interesting part to this argument is the more sophisticated arguments put forth against evolution, particularly the idea of irreducible complexity.

Irreducible Complexity

This is the point where the proponents give their argument a fancy name and start using big words. And I've got to hand it to them, Irreducible and Complexity are both big, fancy words. They sound very scientific...if only the argument sounded as good as its name.

What is irreducible complexity...in a nutshell, if possible? The idea is, some things are so complex that they could never have come about through evolution. The canonical example is the mousetrap; it could not function if a single piece was missing and each individual piece has no value in and of itself. If you've ever played the game "Mousetrap," you know that the little basket won't fall if even one of those pieces is set up incorrectly. It is a compelling argument, and one that becomes even more compelling when one looks at a real biological process.

The example most often cited is the bacterial flagellum, the propeller of the bacteria. In an amazing feat of ~~engineering~~ ~~evolution~~ ~~engineering~~ ~~evolution~~...in an amazing feat, the parts of the flagellum are all arranged into motor components and joints that are just as if an engineer had designed it (maybe an engineer with a big white beard? Hmmm...could be). Michael J. Behe, author of Darwin's Black Box: The Biochemical Challenge to Evolution, argues that the possibility that these parts arranged themselves through an evolutionary process is basically zero and this implies intelligent design.

But this ignores the fact that a) there exist simpler flagellum out there that work without being so complex and b) These parts could have served a non-flagellum purpose originally and then combined together to form the flagellum. In fact, the bubonic plague bacteria's toxin injector is extremely similar to the flagellum.

Another popular example of the an irreducibly complex system is the blood-clotting system. Creationists argue that this is yet another wildly complex system and, in fact, if this system was incomplete it could be damaging to the body. But studies by Russell F. Doolittle of UC San Diego demonstrate that the blood-clotting system appears to have evolved from digestive system proteins. Hardly irreducible, I think.

The Larger Point and the Dramatic Conclusion

But I don't care. You know what? For every biological process that scientists explain creationist will come up with a new, harder to explain system. But that is entirely besides the point. Science can't explain everything right now. We can't explain how gravity fits in with the rest of the quantum world, but nobody doubts gravity despite the fact that gravity is nothing more than a theory.

The thing is, irreducible complexity is once again built on the foundation of "damn, that's really hard. Let's invent a superbeing." Even if we had no idea how the flagellum worked, it would be bad, bad science to just give up and not try to figure it out. Why does there have to be a stopping point? Why do we have to assume that, at some point, things are just unexplainable and it is time to give up? I can't emphasize enough that that is not science, that is religion, and it has no place in a science class.

What I wonder is, how did the burden of proof get shifted onto the scientists. Scientists are just trying to explain how the world works. They look at the facts at hand, try to come up with an explanation, and they only introduce new ideas when the evidence requires. Then they exhaustively test the hypothesis before allowing it to become a fact (or theory, depending on the nature of the hypothesis). But creationists have gone well beyond the introduction of an invisible force like gravity or magnetism to explain something observed, they have introduced an entire Super Being. One that is everywhere but nowhere at the same time. All knowing and all powerful. And there is absolutely no way to detect this being or prove his existence, you just have to believe. And if you don't believe there will be eternal punishment.

...

Which of these seems like more of a stretch? But the scientists have to refute every argument brought up by creationists or else the creationists will view it as a victory. Stump the scientist, go to heaven! I'll never understand this.

So the final point of this all? A summary of the argument, if you will. I don't give a damn about any of the creationist arguments. I don't care if the creationist come up with an example of a really complex system that no biologist can explain. I just don't care.

It.

is.

not.

science.

It just isn't. Scientists should, never, ever accept an endpoint to their research. There is always a next step and it is never acceptable to say "I'm stumped, somebody fetch me a big, pointing finger."

If there is divine intervention, who can say at what point it occurs? When do we give up? When did intelligent design occur? At the DNA level...the cellular level? Clearly we have no answer to this question so there is some work to be done and no, it isn't okay to look in your 2000 year old textbook for the answer. This isn't an open book test.

Let's keep science in the classroom and religion in the church. Creationism has no place in a science class. And that, my friends, is the bottom line.

Source: 15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense, Scientific American, July 2002.

...which can be read in its entirety here.

Notes

2005-11-08T10:22:00.000-06:00

I have plans to post something else later (but no promises), but first just let me say:

there is much joy at the Corner of Grace and Wayne as the Colts have finally vanquished the evil, evil Patriots. There will be three days of rejoicing followed by a short parade through our living room.
We have started our volleyball season and so far, so decent. Last year my wife and I began volleyball season not having played volleyball since 4th grade gym class. And the early results were...um, icky. But, with a season under our belts, we are rapidly approaching the level of not-an-embarrassment-to-the-sport-of-volleyball. We even managed to snag on game from the second best team in the league. But don't worry, there won't be any sort of "Fermiball II: Bigger, softer balls" running series.
Cubs sign Neifi to a 2 year deal. Thank *God* they got him off the market before someone snatched him up. Ladies and gentleman, your starting infield of 2006 (see: starting infield of 2005).

AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

(*breath*)

AAAAUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

must. resist. urge. to. kill.

(I just posted my "analysis" (read: snarky comments) over at goatriders. And yes, that link is for goatriders dot org, not dot com. Never fear)

A life of it's own

2005-11-07T08:40:00.000-06:00

Remember 80's girl? Remember when my cool, sophisticated, woman of the aughts wife dialed back the clock to a time we all remember so well - a time of leg warmers and neon, flashdance and big, silly earrings? No? Really? Alright, then, here's a link. You really should try to keep up, though.
A Helpful Suggestion: In order to keep up with the pace of this site, I recommend rereading my archives at least once a week. It is probably best to print them out and paste them all over your apartment. To make for easier reading, I would suggest installing additional lights. Track lighting should do the trick.

Anyway, to sum up, The Wife went as 80's girl for Halloween...and never went back. At first it was just a few little things like expounding on the many practical virtues of neon green leg warmers. But now it is getting out of hand. Her iPod is littered with Hall n' Oats and Journey. One Night in Bangkok blares out of our radio, frightening the cats and her husband.

Yes, the costume has taken over. It's there in the closet - the stone washed jeans and orange mesh shirt hanging there, mocking us. It bides its time, picks its moments...and then it springs to life! I can just imagine how it must possess her whilst we sleep, taking over her body and making her dance and sing I'm so Excited, her limbs flailing wildly (think Jesse on speed).

I woke up the other day and John Hughes movies were strewn about the house willy nilly. I found Molly Ringwald tied up in our hall closet, her eyes pleading with me to release her.

Alright, so that may not be entirely true, but I can totally see it happening. First you download the Hall 'n Oats, then you kidnap the 80's icon. Everyone knows Maneater is just a gateway song.

By now, if you can't see the obvious parallel here, then I pity you. Clearly you are not as cool, hip, and urban as I. It's really pretty obvious. This is her black Spiderman costume! I said, black Spiderman costume! No? Geez, come on people!

Okay, quick back story: Spiderman, along with pretty much every major super hero in Marvel Comics, was wisked away to a far off planet by The Beyonder (oh, he's that powerful). All the enemies were wisked off too (Dr. Doom et al.) and they all fought a really big, nifty battle and it was really cool. Honestly, it was probably the highlight of my early teens (sad, but true). Well, anyway, at some point in one of these drag-'em-out battles Spiderman's costume was
damaged and Reed Richards (stretchy guy from the Fantastic Four...there's a movie) used some fancy-ass space machine to make Spiderman a new costume.

Still with me?

Well, anyway, this costume was some kind of nifty. It was controlled by his thoughts and had built in web shooters and everything. Plus, it made him look more like a ninja and, if I know Peter Parker, this had to be appealing. But the problem was, this space costume was living!

(*thunderclap*)

Yes, living! And it tried to take over Peter Parker and it almost did but he got it off safely (whew! That was close!). Sadly, though, the costume managed to escape and then I don't really know what happened. Apparently that's when my brothers stopped collecting comics (because these
story-lines were all about 10 years before my time and I never actually bought a comic of my own) and so I lost track of Spidey. A little web research shows that the costume latched onto a guy named Eddie Brock and became Venom (see picture below), which sounds pretty bad. I'm thinking Venom was a nasty fellow or else they probably would have just named him Honey or Puddin'.

Okay, so we're all caught up. Evil costume, life of its own, controls host body. And from space. Could it be any more similar to the situation here at Grace and Wayne?!? I mean, it's like we're living a comic book! We don't know were those stone-washed jeans came from. They could just as easily been created on a far off planet and brought back here after an epic battle. And then my wife, innocent as can be, puts them on, becomes Venom, and terrorizes the city. Or, alternately, doesn't become Venom but does listen to Hall 'n Oats non-stop. Which would generally be worse if not for the fact that Rich Girl is a sweet, sweet song.

(singing) You're a rich girl, but you've gone too far, and
you know it don't matter anyway. You can rely on the old man's money,
you can really on the OLD man's money

Song stuck in your head? Welcome to my life.

ING NYC Marathon

2005-11-06T13:18:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to mention that the running of the NYC marathon was (and still is) today. This is definitely one that I plan to run some day. One of our running blog comrades, Danny, is almost done.

Run far, run fast!

(link has been certified 100% porn free)

A Thousand Apologies

2005-11-05T11:10:00.000-06:00

...give or take a few.

Okay, so, it seems like I might have made a teeny, tiny mistake with some linking the other day. Maybe, just maybe, I linked to a porn site. And maybe, just maybe, it was a highly inappropriate site (as far as those sites go).

Oopsie.

So, anyway, sorry about that. From now on, no more porn. Sorry, I really have no idea you could find porn on the internet. Learn something new every day.

New Policy: After posting, I will follow all of my links just to be sure they don't go to any site that are not safe for work.

Along those lines, sorry if you followed the link at work.

Oopsie.

The Old Vegas is Back, baby!

2005-11-04T15:03:00.000-06:00

Mayor: Cut thumbs off graffiti 'punks'

"In the old days in France, they had beheadings of people who commit heinous crimes," Mayor Oscar Goodman said Wednesday on the TV show "Nevada Newsmakers."

Goodman said the city has a beautiful highway landscaping project and "these punks come along and deface it."

"I'm saying maybe you put them on TV and cut off a thumb," the mayor said. "That may be the right thing to do."

Goodman also suggested whippings should be brought back for children who get into trouble.

(end quote)

Wow, this guy maybe be the coolest mayor of all time. And really, I could see this happening in Vegas. After all, prostitution and gambling is already legal in Nevada, isn't public dismemberment the next logical step?

I would like to point out, however, that "they used to do that in France" is not always the best argument. Some examples of things they "used to do in France" that we may not want to adopt into our culture:

Surrender
Get invaded by Germans
Get invaded by Romans
Invade Russia in the Winter (and die)
Surrender
Vote Napoleon as "leader of new democracy"
Mime
Speak French
Love Jerry Lewis

And, of course, wear berets.

Links: Marathon Running (updated: sloooow and tiiiiirrreeed)
And: GoatRiders (updated: We're #3!)
And: JamieRieger.com (updated: irrational dislike of metric system (among other things))

NASA sets priorities

2005-11-04T10:10:00.000-06:00

...incorrectly.

Seriously, what the hell? Apparently, "NASA's top priorities are a replacement for the space shuttle and completing the international space station." Oh, yeah, great...sounds wonderful (if a bit boring) until you read the other article in the sidebar:

China plans 2007 space mission

Those sons of bitches are going to beat us! They claim that they are going to send three men into orbit in the next two years with plans to eventually land on the moon! We're losing the Moon Race! First the standardized tests and now this. What happened to America being the great power of the world, leading the way for all to follow meekly behind? America, you're being scooped.

So what's the answer? Is it Bush's plan to colonize Mars and suck out all its precious oil? Is it the Church's plan to disavow the existence of outer-space and rename space "that big, black, speckled thing"?

No, neither of those are going to win us the space race. However, I have the solution. I have the solution and it's a dandy.

Giant Laser.

Yep, a giant laser would do it. Modeled after the Death Star, a really big, round globe-like object would be mounted with a really big laser and set into geo-synchronous orbit. It would remain up there and wait for a non-Free World sanctioned country to try and launch people into space.

Then we laser their asses.

You know, I should really be president.

Evolve, damn you! Evolve!

2005-11-03T12:50:00.000-06:00

I was doing the usual cruise through the links the other day when I came across The Hanging Stranger and he had up a post where he expressed a desire to emulate the Indiana Jones/Wolverine archetype, hairy and ass-kicking.

The key here is hairy; I'm all for ass-kicking (especially when it comes to artifact thieving Nazis).

He was discussing the various virtues of those who have yet to shed their furry shells and are fully haired (hair on chest, hair on head, etc...) versus the baldies and those that strive to be like the baldies, the shavers. Now, I agree that those who shave/wax their chests (and other things) are a curious creature and that this is not something society should accept. But what about those of us who are naturally hairless? Otherwise normal people who end life the same way they start it (I mean hairless, not naked and covered in embryonic fluid). So, in defense of my kind, I give my quasi-rebuttal.

The Reason Why the Hair-less are Actually Genetically Superior to the Hair-full

(...and probably smarter...and definitely more virile...Picard was bald, you know...)

Has anyone here ever studied evolution? No? Well, me neither, so the following is just your word against mine (and I have instant cred as I have my own blog). It can be easily demonstrated that, as mammals evolve over time, they lose their coat of fur for a sleeker, more aerodynamic look. This effect is best demonstrated with a picture, so take a look:

As is shown on the above evolutionary chart, we are continually fleeing the state of monkey-dom for a more upright and shiny self. And who is more evolved than Captain Picard? He's in the 23rd century! He has a mechanical heart! Hell, he becomes a part of the continuum at the end of the series (and there's a reason they picked him over the more hirsute Ricker - Ricker is a doof).

And this evolution is not just evident amongst the opposable-thumbed. It's true what they say, after a bit of time, our pets start to look like us (or was that us like them? It's all just one, big, evolutionary mish-mash).

See? No hair, no problem. Plus, I'm pretty sure hairless cats are psychic and can burn a hole in your mind with their cold, wrinkly stares (can stares be wrinkly? Darn tootin').

And I say, this is good news! We should want to be moving in this direction.

The way I see it, we have two futures. In the first future, we are ruled by highly intelligent, telekinetic, super beings with not a hair to be seen:

And in the second, we are ruled by...

Damned, Dirty Apes!!!

Yeah...bald doesn't sound so bad now, does it.

Also see Marathon Running (updates: "I'm Fast" and "Too many SweetTarts")

Ladies and gentlemen, your Gold Glove winners

2005-11-02T17:04:00.000-06:00

Derrek Lee and Greg Maddux both won Gold Gloves.

What is there, exactly, that Lee can't do?

Debating the Cubs

2005-11-02T13:00:00.000-06:00

Head over to Goatriders

and

The Commuting Question

A couple links

2005-11-01T16:34:00.000-06:00

Mice sing mating song

(*cue Tom Jones*)

Pluto may have three moons

I think this whole process is going in the wrong direction. Pluto is supposed to be becoming a not-planet, not gathering new moons. I think the Astronomy community is showing a shocking lack of responsibility in this respect and should be chastised with very nasty language by the scientific community. Remember kids, there should only be five planets. Five.

It's that time of year again!

2005-11-01T11:49:00.000-06:00

What with the hurricane season coming to a close, concerned citizens throughout America all have the same worry on their mind: what is CNN going to do? CNN is our hurricane headquarters! They live and die by the twisty winds of fate!

It's sad, really. Now that the best hurricane they've got is named Beta (Beta?!?), they are forced to stroll up and down the streets of New Orleans reminiscing about the halcyon days of the Category 5. I mean, what are they going to do with all those yellow rain jackets? What is Miles O'Brien going to do? Clearly he is at his best when disaster strikes, or rather, when disaster strikes.

But dry those leaky eyes, because CNN is about to be back in its element. We've got: The Asian Bird Flu!!! Woooo! When chickens strike, CNN is there! And this is even better than the West Nile epidemic, this is a pandemic.

Pandemic - Similar to an epidemic, except with 40% more hand wringing. Also, pandemics have the opportunity to reach epic proportions, which can lead to much running around and screaming whilst waving one's arms. On the horror scale, think Night of the Lepus.

So, given that we know terror is right around the corner, I give you:

The CNN guide to the Asian Bird Flu

(now in High-def)

Begin Simply: The President is helping you out here, so run with it. Hey, don't look at us, we're just reporting the news. We never said anything about a pandemic. His words, not ours.

Day Two of Pandemic: Now that the word is out, fly Miles O'Brien out to a chicken farm and let him walk amongst the feathered creatures. He will tell the story of the deadly fowl as he casually strolls amongst the demon beasts until finally stopping, assuming a dramatic pose, and delivering the terrifying punchline: we're all going to die, now everyone poop your pants.

Back to you, Soledad.

Day Three: It's time to introduce "the watch." It's not officially a disaster until CNN begins "the watch."

Avian Agitation: Day Four

To the CNN Cave! Scatter your reporters like so many leaves in the wind. And remember, people, this is a pandemic. People are going to be dying everywhere and I want you to find them! And I want pictures! And wear those yellow rain jackets, we're still paying for them!

Avian Agitation: Day Five

What's that? Iraq war? Don't bother me with details, we've got a pandemic!!!

Avian Agitation: Day Six

Deliver death toll estimate based on early returns. We've got Gore taking Delaware. (Note: maybe time to update software)

Avian Agitation: Day Seven

Find racial angle. It's out there, so find it. Maybe spark an anti-Asian McCarthy-esque movement? I'm just free-styling here, but that sounds like a winner!

Avian Agitation: Day Eight

World pecked to death by giant, crazed birds. Should have listened to CNN. oops.

Marathon Running: 7 Continents?

Quick, follow this link!

2005-11-01T10:07:00.000-06:00

Victorian Vombie Salon

No really, it is my favorite entry on jamierieger.com to date. Okay, sure, it is funny on the surface, it really is. But then if you follow the "What the [firetruck] am I talking about" link, and click on the part about Philosophical Zombies, and read the dinosaur cartoon, it gets even funnier.

Maybe I've made it all seem to complicated. Just follow the link, it is awesome. And then check back here in a couple hours when I will have my own little patch of fantasticness up for all to read.

Belated news: Cubs sign Rusch

2005-10-31T18:12:00.000-06:00

From now on, I think I am going to be doing most all of my baseball writing over at Goatriders of the Apocalypse from now on and leave this site for the usual stupid stuff that, for whatever reason, I like to write about. I'm guessing this will change come openning day, but for now I'm leaving the Cubs to GROTA.

So, anyway, click on the link. Go read what I wrote. Shower me with praise. Worship me.

You know, the usual.

Look! Links!

2005-10-31T14:57:00.000-06:00

Become a Republican

(thanks to Joe. Careful, there's sound.)

Weirdest Story of the Day

(from Dan)

(no sound for that one)

(it's just kind of gross)

(but safe for work)

Oh, and the final link: Marathon Running

The...80's?

2005-10-30T22:49:00.000-06:00

Okay, sure, I know the 80's are supposedly back. I mean, VH1 certainly thinks so as they are shoving Teddy Ruxpin and the Rubix cube down our throats on a daily basis. But I didn't realize that they were going to come screaming back to the Corner of Grace and Wayne with such a vengence.

The setup: The Wife wants to celerate Holloween.

actually...

The real setup: The Wife is nearly unwilling to celebrate Halloween except that she can't settle on a costume. This indecision is causing a dislike of the holiday to begin to fester deep in her heart. And I want to celebrate Holloween, so I want her to want to celebrate Holloween, and so I want her to have a rockin' costume.

Got all that?

So we head to the thrift store on Belmont and Clark, Ragstock, and try to figure out a costume. The idea we headed there with was 80's girl. She has wanted to bring back the side ponytail for years and Halloween seemed the best time to do this as the mockery would be kept to a minimum. What did we find? Only the best 80's clothes! What do you get when you combine a neon orange mesh tube top, stone washed jeans with black lace patches, a flash dance sweat shirt, and neon green leg warmers? You get one rockin' 80's chick (and a hot one, at that).

That's okay, though, right? I mean, it's Halloween. Everyone dresses in a curious manner at the end of October. But what happens when it goes too far? What happens when it goes to a bad place?

What am I talking about?

She won't take the leg warmers off!

Supposedly, they keep her legs warm, which I can understand. After all, they're leg warmers. It's right there in the title! But really, it might be better to simply employ a nice blanket, or afgan, or slaughtered furry animal to warm your legs. I mean, it is far more socially acceptable to coat your legs with the corpse of a snuggwy bunny than neon green, um, anything.

And yet it's really quite cute. I can see why it caught on. So, if you're wondering where the 80's went, they're alive and well in the north of Chicago and I am putting a vote for the re-instatement of leg warmers. They're practical. Very practical. Yes, the word I'm looking for is practical.

Go 80's!

And hurray for warm legs!

And if you want to see the 80's girl and the author in costume head on over to :

Marathon Running.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2005-10-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

Halloween! Wee!

What makes Halloween so great? The answer, of course, is candy. Candy candy candy candy. The Wife and I are fairly obsessed with candy and Halloween is a holiday build around sugary goodness. During some of our cross country trips (which are always preceded by a trip to Mr. Bulky), we have had long discussions regarding the various pros/cons of our favorite candys. We even considered starting a candy debate blog...no seriously. It's sad. We are sad, sad people.

But anyway, back to the candy. The best candy always falls under the genre of gummy/sour (the exception being Lemonheads). You've got your Sour Patch Kids, Lifesaver Sour Gummies, and Jolly Rancher Screaming Sours (although you've got to be very careful with the Jolly Rancher selection as they can be crap). Halloween represents a departure from the usual gummy fare but that is easily made up for by the inclusion of candy corn (history of candy corn), assorted mellows, and miniaturized candy bars.

Halloween was always great when we lived in Bloomington amongst the students because there were almost no kids. Kids are really annoying because we buy all this candy and then they try and take it from us (!). It's really irritating to have to turn off all your lights and hide so that you can eat your candy in peace.

Do I have a point with all this? No, not really. I just had Halloween on my mind as the big lab party is tonight and so I started writing about it. Upon reflection, I probably shouldn't have rambled on this long about candy. I mean, really, it's not fair that you had to read this. Odds are good you probably thought I was going to have a point and then now you get to the end and there's no payoff.

Okay here, let me throw you a bone since you made it all the way through this stupid candy entry. Here's a link to an awesome site discussing the evil of Halloween and, if you scroll down, you will find a couple e-mails discussing how to witness on this most evil of all holidays. And, of course, ranting against Halloween wouldn't be complete without a visit to our favorite evangelist site, chick.com. Remember kids: dress like a witch, burn in hell!

Marathon Running: The Original Marathoner (my costume is described here)

Famous Jasons

2005-10-26T18:19:00.000-05:00

I was trying to think of a famous "Jason" and the best one I could think of ended in "and the Argonauts."

What the hell is wrong with my name? We've got a famous fictional serial killer and a guy who tried to steal some golden wool or something. And that was, like, a billion years ago.

I'm a little worried that I'm going to have to carry the whole "Jason" tribe with my burgeoning blogging fame, which may be the saddest thing I've ever written.

You know what I should do...

I should win me one of those Nobel Prize things.

Either Peace or Physics, I can't decide.

Can you win the Nobel Peace prize in blogging? What did the Dalai Lama win it for, again?

Running Blog

2005-10-26T15:55:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned it before, but it bears mentioning again. The Wife and I have a running blog up where we track the progress of our running. Initially it was simply a digital training log, but it has expanded since we stopped training for the marathon and had lots of free time on our hands (I use "our" liberally. She has been behind most all of the site improvements).

Much of the same writing you get here can be found over at that site, except that it will be applied to discussions on running. And toenails, specifically the removal of. Plus there are lots and lots of colorful plots with charts and graphs and, well, it is all very exciting. Weee!!

You may have noticed that I have finally linked our running blog in my sidebar. Click on over and check it out.

Something "Fishy" is going on

2005-10-26T12:50:00.000-05:00

Fermilab, the center of scientific advancement (as far as I'm concerned), is located off of I-88 in beautiful Batavia, IL. It is also, apparently, the center of some sort of double-secret military experiment, the implementation of which will sure hold grave global consequences.

Actually, that's not true. Batavia is a total wasteland.

But anyway, back to the bizarre experiments being conducted right in your backyard (assuming, that is, that your backyard is in Fermilab. I guess that's a big assumption...so nevermind). The Wife and I were driving up 88 on our way to work yesterday when we noticed a truck with the words "Dolphin Cartage" printed on the back of the trailer. This struck me as odd, as I couldn't imagine why they would be carting around dolphins this far from the ocean. I forgot about it until today, when I saw the same truck.

This can't be a coincidence. For some reason dolphins are being carted into Batavia, a suburb with zero aquariums and zero large bodies of salt water. My nose smells something "fishy" going on.

I turned this over in my mind trying to make the connection. Eventually, it occurred to me that dolphins are surprisingly smart for an animal with no opposable thumbs. And then I remembered a post over at jamierieger.com that creeped me out a bit (I recommend reading that real quick and then coming back...you'll never be able to look at dolphins the same way again. And by "same way," I mean with that lustful look you always have that totally weirds me out. I will never, ever understand your dolphin fetish you sick, sick bastard). Alright, now that you have read that and returned, you should realize that dolphins are way smarter than you are (if you didn't make that connection, well, I bet a dolphin would have). Now, their ability to manage garbage is reason enough to fear them, no doubt. But just imagine if these little flippered menaces were subjected to The Power of the Proton.

...

Sounds pretty scary, doesn't it. The proton, a key ingredient in most any household cleaner, can do some pretty crazy things when accelerated to almost the speed of light (which, as everyone knows, is really, really fast). Bring a dolphin into contact with such a proton beam and god only knows what might happen. We've all seen Ghostbusters, right? Remember what happened when they crossed the streams? Well, the streams they were crossing came from Proton Packs. Just like the ones at Fermi! And dolphins are mostly made of protons! This is a recipe for disaster!!

Okay, so you may scoff at the idea. You may say: "Hey, Ghostbusters was just a movie, and dolphins are just fish." You'd be wrong, but you still might say that. After all, let's face it, you're no dolphin. I just don't envy the unprepared when a legion of super smart, proton-crossed dolphins are unleashed onto the world.

You think the military will be able to control them? Really? We're talking dolphins here! Have you seen the tricks they can do?!? They're wily, wily scamps...and that's pre-proton enhancement! I'm just saying, mankind is pretty much doomed.

I bet my army of the undead doesn't sound so silly now. While you all are being slapped silly by their rubbery flippers, I'll be sitting back and watching as they shuffle forth and feast on super-intelligent mammal brain.

Yep, "always be prepared", that's my motto. That and "always keep a zombie army handy."

Science Fairs are dumb

2005-10-25T15:15:00.000-05:00

Did I ever mention that I once got second place in the Science Fair?

Second place...sounds pretty good. After a long history of painful failure in any event that features tri-paneled foam core board, plastic letters, and some sort of preparation and follow through, 2nd place should be a revelation. Oh, if you only knew the truth.

To understand where I come from, some history might be helpful.

Let's look back, shall we?

3rd Grade Invention Contest:

We are supposed to come up with an idea for an invention and build it. Now that sounds like great fun! I get to built an invention from scratch, tell a story about why it would be useful, and then it would get displayed in the hallway and people would vote on who's invention is the best. This is better than a field trip!

The first part of the project was the building. This was to take place at home and then be brought in the next day. No problem, I'm the kid that loves to tinker (tinker means "break things," right?)! I was totally in my element. Totally. Totally, totally, totally.

totally.

unfortunately, life is rarely that simple. You see, I'm also the kid that likes to procrastinate. This trait, it seems, tends to dominate most any situation in my life. In my defense, it's not like I didn't *do* the project. Quite the opposite. I did the hell out of the project once I remembered it was due the next day...right before my bedtime. You'd be surprised how many kick-ass inventions are whipped out in 10 minutes.

The end result? "The Automatic Punching Machine," fashioned out of a Budweiser Box (my parents must have been bursting with pride), a barbell, and a boxing glove. The bar sticks through the box, the glove goes on one end, and you can push on the other end! Viola, you are punching! That, my friends, is an engineering marvel.

Sadly, the world wasn't ready for my invention and I lost the competition. Apparently, I was a victim of my own genius, much like Di Vinci before me, except that I don't share a name with a Ninja Turtle (and I'm not sure if he was exactly a victim, per se).

This was just the first case of me bringing shame down upon my family.

Fast forward to 4th grade...

Science Fair #1:

I had one of the all time classic experiments. You've got your sugar, you've got your salt, and you've probably got some other crap (what can I say, it's been awhile). Which one conducts electricity the best? Weee!

I've got to say, my Dad was right on with this one. He took me to Radio Shack, helped me build this whole circuit thing with a battery pack and wires on a board with a lightbulb, but he also let me do the work so I wouldn't be one of those kids. It was great and I was quite proud of the whole thing.

Then it was the special day. I packed up the foam core and the apparatus and headed off to school. The project was set up down in the Old Gym (it's official name. And yes, there was a New Gym) and when it was time to head down to be judged, I puffed up my chested and got ready to win a ribbon. Except I was missing one thing. Actually, I was missing several things, all related. It seems I had forgotten the distilled water, salt, sugar...anything that I had actually used in this grand experiment. I ran to the teacher; surely she could help! But alas, all she could suggest was that maybe there was something in the teachers lounge.

No! The teacher's lounge was barren and I had nothing to show the judge.

So when the judges came by, they just had to take my word for it that it was truly a magnificent experiment.

And then they purple ribboned me. The ribbon read "participation," but all I could see was "welcome to the ranks of the unwashed masses."

The family shame was building, but it would truly peak 3 years later...

Science Fair #2

It was 7th grade, or as I like to call it, the nadir of my existence. I'm reasonable certain that not one thing went well that year and the Science Fair was no exception.

I couldn't decide what sort of experiment would be the best to half-ass, so the teacher helped me out. She suggested I experiment with Paramecium, those little squiggly things that you have to look at through a microscope. Sounds easy, sign me up!

I don't remember much regarding the experiment itself. You see, I've blocked most of the 12th year of my life from my memory as is typical of survivors of traumatic experiences. The less I remember of my little mulletty haircut and too-short pants the better. But we aren't here to discuss the many ways I visually assaulted the community of Fort Wayne as a child, but rather to discuss my scientific shortcomings. The facts as I remember them:

I remember using those little glass slides, a microscope, and squirting some Paramecium water with a squirter thing. If I recall correctly, I was trying to gauge how the little squiggly things reacted to different environmental stimuli. Also, I remember that Vaseline either was one of those environmental stimuli, or I just used that to keep the Paramecium confined to their various environments. All I know is somehow I used Vaseline and Paramecium in the experiment (insert lubricant/paramecium joke here).

So anyway, back to environmental stimulation. I sat down the little Paramecium under the microscope, peeled back their little Paramecium eyes, and forced them to watch endless reruns of Full House all the while blaring the 1812 Overture over the loud-speakers.

...suffice to say, they all exploded (or "lysed", as it is knowing in the cellular world).

Okay, that didn't really happen, but I'm 90% sure I would have gotten first place if I had the wherewithal to try that out. Instead, I think I used some stupid chemicals and checked to see if they moved around in response. Whatever it was, I'm pretty sure it was lame.

And so the big day came and I made the big three-paneled board and waited to be judged. Somehow I was place in the "psychology" category. My results were presented and there were many nods and what-have-you, and then it was over. The end result? 2nd place.

I should be happy with that, right? I mean, only the total nerd-boys get first and so I was able to succeed while still remaining "cool."

...

(Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. No amount of science fair could bring me within shouting distance of cool).

Sure, 2nd is generally good, but the problem with this is that I was the only person in my category. In essence, I lost to the absence of me. The contest was actually degradation by my presence. I was the original Billy Madison.

Now, that's tough to live down. Most people would be crushed by that sort of scientific failure, but not this kid. No, I took the high road and vowed revenge against scientific community (okay, so maybe "high road" is a stretch). I would prove my worth. I threw myself into the sciences, mastering the nuances of the physical world, earning my degree, and surpassing those who deemed me "unfit to do science."

After securing my degree, I began my work in High Energy Physics, the branch of physics that delves deeply into the fundamental forces of nature. I dug deeper and deeper into this world, and unlocked the secrets of life (you know, pretty much anyway). With this knowledge securely in hand, I have finally begun to implement my plan.

They think they're better than me? They think I'm a second rate scientist?

We'll see who's second rate once my army is complete.

Ever encounter a swarm of Flesh-Eating Paramecium?

It ain't pretty.

Rooting for the Sox?

2005-10-22T18:49:00.000-05:00

Not for me. And lots of people don't understand. They figure that the Sox are in Chicago and so I should root for the good ol' Chicago team. Whatever.

Mike H. had a good explaination for why this doesn't make sense. If the Cubs move to Peoria, I'm not going to suddenly start rooting for the Sox just because they are in Chicago. I'm not a Chicago sports fan, I'm a Cubs fan. I root for laundry.

Anyway, as I watch the Star Spangled Banner at "the other" ballpark, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that the Cubs couldn't get there first. It makes me sad that I still have to wait for success.

All in all, there is a lot of bitterness over here at the Corner of Grace and Wayne (if you think I'm bitter, The Wife just called her dad to say "Yeah, I'm just watching the stupid Sox at stupid whatever stupid field. Stupid stupid stupid. Whatever, it's so stupid.")

Lots of bitterness. I need an Oldstyle.

Finally, the Race Report

2005-10-19T19:52:00.000-05:00

Sorry this is so late. The race was such a big deal that I wanted to write a really nifty race report that was carefully crafted and well thought out. While those are lovely intentions, it really just ended up being something that is likely to never get finished. This is also posted over at my training blog, Marathon Running.

With that...

The Race Report

Phase 1: Jason Feels good

I was a little surprised at the start of this race. When Leah and I ran the Indianapolis Half Marathon, I can remember standing in my start corral doubting my readiness. I believe my actual thoughts as they fired the start gun in Indy were: "Wait, we can't start yet, what if I'm not ready?!?" It wasn't just that I was worried about my running shape, but I was worried that maybe I did something wrong and didn't tie my shoes tight enough or would have to pee. In Chicago, I didn't have any of those fears (although, as it turns out, I should have). I felt mostly ready to start and wasn't especially concerned about how far we had to go before we crossed the finish line. This lack of fear and nervousness is really suprising given what I know of myself.

The first mile went amazingly fast. It seemed like we went down a little hill, under a bridge, and then *boom*, the first mile marker. That was a great feeling and made me feel like this marathon thing would be a breeze (note to self: respect the distance, dammit!!) . We saw our intrepid crew of spectators for the first time shortly after and that was all a blur. I saw Scott and Sue at the front and then the only other person I saw was Leah's Aunt Donna as I hurled my long sleeve t-shirt at her face (sorry about that). We just passed them so quickly I couldn't take everyone in. I made a mental note to make sure I made contact with my niece the next time we saw her so that she wouldn't be disappointed.

After the first, the miles really just melted away for awhile. As we passed through downtown and headed north, I was really pleased to find that my legs felt pretty decent and I didn't have to work out too many kinks. I was just completely absorbed in the enormity of the event and the shear volume of people watching me run. Honestly, it was a little surreal. Before I knew it, I was approaching our neighborhood. One of my favorite memories from the race was running up Sheridan and running directly alongside the running path where we did all of our training. I felt like I should cross the road and hopped on the path (I didn't, though).

Around mile 6 or 7 I became very aware of the fact that Leah and I hadn't been talking much during this run. She had mentioned some knee stiffness but hadn't said much beyond that and so I was hoping that she was doing alright. Conversation wasn't really an option, however, as I was just too overwhelmed to have any intelligent thoughts or the ability to form words.

The next encounter with our spectator team was at mile 8-ish. They positioned themselves on the wall at the corner of Addison and Broadway and this time we spotted them in time for me to see everyone. We both waved like maniacs and I shouted my niece's name as she was perched on my Dad's shoulders. And then they were gone and we were running up Broadway, a street we'd been down hundreds of times before.

There were an unbelievable number of spectators lining the streets of the North side including dancing drag queens and men dressed as cheerleaders. It was an amazing amount of fun. The crowd carried us for awhile but around mile 11 or 12 Leah started to get a little down as she mentioned in her report below. I wanted to try and help since I was feeling good, but I still had the little problem of being unable to form sentenced. The best advice I could give was to note that if we kept going, the miles would just go away. Apparently, it worked, so that makes me happy. Sometime between mile 11 and 16 it got quiet and I got a little desperate for some conversation, so I shared the only thought I had been having for the past 3 miles or so. My "conversation starter": "Hey, you know what I've been thinking about for the last half hour? Bob Loblaw." If that makes no sense, say it out loud (if it still doesn't make sense, say it faster). Don't blame me, it's from a TV show.

Anyway, mile 16 was long but that was really the only tough mile before mile 20. I started to drag a bit at mile 20 but I knew that in the 21-22 mile range we would have more spectators. And sure enough, first we saw our good friend Corey and her little baby at 21 and then at mile 22 we saw our road crew again. What you can't tell from reading these race reports is how absolutely amazing the road crew was. They were the best part of the race (except maybe the finishing part). But then we passed them, and the only thing between us and the end was lots of pavement.

At some point, I can't pinpoint exactly when, my quad started to go bad. I actually think it was at mile 18, but I'm not sure. Anyway, one spot on my quad tightened up badly and I could feel it with every stride. It sort of felt like it was going to burst out of my leg at some point and I was a little concerned, although I knew Leah had gone through the same thing in training and had survived. If she ran 6 weeks with this problem, then I could run 6 miles.

Phase 2: Jason goes Bye-Bye

Remember that "respect the distance" thing I mentioned earlier? Well, I respect it fully now, because it is a long, long way to go and I felt it all at the end. I'm not sure what changed, but my breathing started to get a bit ragged around mile 22 or so. Leah claims she never heard me breathing, but it was loud and clear in my head. Except the clear part, that's not true. It was loud and wheezy in my head. I was a little worried. Never in any of my long training runs did I run out of breath. The problems always involved leg, back, or shoulder aches and pains, but never breathing. I think it may have been caused by the quad thing as those nagging pains can be very distracting and make the running seem harder than it actually is. Regardless of the cause, I was worried. For the first time, I started to be very concerned that I wouldn't be finishing the race without walking a significant portion of it (which I very much didn't want to do). This, however, was also the point where Leah started to feel much better and kept on running like a pro. My only goal in this race was to finish with Leah, and so I was going to have to keep running as well. Oh God.

Phase 3: Thank God Leah kept running, because I died somewhere back there

Mile 23: Man, only 3 miles to go, this is the distance that I always say is easy if you can get there because then one mile later there are only 2 miles to go and anyone can run 2 miles. As it turns out, this is complete and total bullshit. The only actual thought going through my head at mile 23 was how I would never make it and that the thought of running 2 more miles once I got to the next mile marker...well, that's just stupid. There was absolutely no way that I could run 3 more miles, but Leah just kept on running, and so I did too.

That's the nice thing about running: it's easy. You just put one foot in front of the other.

Mile 24: I want to walk. We very briefly pause to walk at an aid station, but it is not as long as I was planning. However, Leah is saying that we are almost done and wants to press on, and so do I. I really don't want to let on to how badly I'm doing. I never, ever like to be the one to slow us down. The spectators mock me with cries of "You're almost there, you can do it." Actually, no, I'm not almost done and I can't make it; clearly you are mistaken. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but it just seems so far and I am basically dead. Right now I owe everything to Leah. She is the only reason I'm still running.

Mile 25: We cross the 25 mile marker and I know that I should feel relief. After all, there are only 1.2 miles to go and so we are practically done. However, I don't feel that way. Part of the problem is that we are still in the numbered street and I know we have to get to Roosevelt, but in my head the numbered streets have to go all the way to zero before I get to Roosevelt. This is not actually the case, and of course it doesn't matter because a mile is a mile, but right now logic is not my friend. Logic is for people who can breath.

Mile 25.2: The "One Mile Left" marker!!!!! Only 2 minutes have passed between the 25 and 25.2 mile marker, but it seems so different. I know I can run a mile because it becomes a half mile so quickly and then a quarter mile, and then done. We are cruising now and passing all the people who went out too fast and are now walking. The crowd is screaming all around us and we are going to make it! In a couple more minutes we will be marathoners! We start to approach Roosevelt and I can see the runners starting to make the turn and head up the hill. I know at the top of the hill is the 26 mile marker and then, of course, the finish line. We make the turn and hey! This hill's not that bad. We surge past dozens of walkers and make it halfway up the hill when we spot our road crew again! Hey, they made it! A little extra surge and we reach the 26 mile marker. The finish line is in sight. All I can think is "Come on finish, please hurry" and "you're almost there, don't stop now."

Mile 26.2: We made it. Alright then, I'm ready to sit down.

And a half hour later I finally do get to sit down.

This was probably the most amazing thing I have ever down. I know it was the hardest. But we both made it and crossed the finish line together. Leah and I made a great team as I felt good for the first 20 miles, and she felt good for the last 6.2. Running partners don't come much better.

The winners!

Why CNN rules

2005-10-19T11:19:00.000-05:00

Where do more Americans turn to than any other network for anti-Canadian fervor?

Alright, anti-Canadian may be a bit extreme, but this was a rather hilarious bit of reporting on the part of CNN.

Note: I apparently have been assimilated into the blogging community. Below you will find me criticizing the media for bad reporting while doing no actual research or reporting of my own. This is a classic blogging technique and I'm thrilled to finally sink to this level.

First off, the headline:

Canada 'among worst polluters'

Yeah, Canada totally sucks. I mean, they are 28 out of 30 ranked countries when it comes to emissions, water consumption, and some other nasty stuff.

God, what is Canada's problem? 28 out of 30? That's just pathetic.

But just out of curiosity, which coutry is 30 out of 30? Oh, right, the US.

I love that an American news organization goes with the headline "Canada amoung worst polluters" rather than "United States worst polluter." It is just this sort of unjustified jab at Canada that helps keep those moose-lovers in their place.

But wait, I've got more!

NFL earns lowest grade, WNBA receives highest in study

What is the study? It is a study on opportunities for women and minorities in sports.

*cough*

This, clearly, is an important study into the culture of sports. I mean, I'll never understand why the NFL isn't as open to employing women as the Women's National Basketball League. If the WNBA is willing to open their doors to women, maybe it is time for the NFL to follow suit.

This, of course, is the best ratings the WNBA has earning in its long, proud history.

Note: When I started this post, I really thought I would be able to do more more with these stories. I think I just followed to second rule of blogging: saying "this is really funny" is just as good as actually being funny and with half the work!

How do you exorcize a ghost from your bedroom?

2005-10-19T06:20:00.000-05:00

In a follow up to yesterday's post regarding the ghost, I think we managed to drive it out of our bedroom. And how, you may ask, does one drive out such a thing?

Robot Vacuum Cleaner.

No really, it works. And I'm pretty sure the Bible will back me up on this. Check out Corinthians.

or maybe Leviticus.

Deuteronomy?

Terror at 40 feet

2005-10-18T08:35:00.000-05:00

It was scary time at the Stately Wayne Manor last night and fear was in the house.

The Wife and I were laying in bed going through the very Brady ritual of reading our respective books by our respective bedside lights and everything seemed nice and normal. At some point I went and grabbed the cat and brought her into the mix where she lay on The Wife, submitting herself to various pettings and stratchings. Nothing strange there, it was just another normal night...or was it?

(it wasn't)

For, you see, our cat, Dagny, is usually overly affectionate. There is often much nuzzling and head-butting (very similar in this respect to the WWF) and she won't stay still, often to the point of wanting to throw her against the wall (but that would be wrong). Normally, normally this is what she would do...but this was no normal night!

(see, told you)

Dagny lay there like a good kitty but she was clearly somewhat distressed. Her ears were back and she looked none too happy. This was not the little ball of freakishly excessive energy we were used to but, you know, cats are dumb. I didn't make much of it. And then it happened.

(pause to build tension...)

(aaaaaaand...go!)

Getting up for a pre-sleep pit stop, The Wife tried to pass the cat over to me. But she wouldn't go. She starts growling and hissing and so we pull her back. No more growling. Move her back towards me and she is all stiff legged and angry and then when she is forced onto my chest (just to see what happens) she jumps straight up, claws out, and bolts.

Hmmmm...not the sort of behavior we've come to expect from the cat. Naturally our first thought is that some sort of animal has infiltrated the bedrooms (this, btw, is not a good thought to have at bedtime). So we start peeling the covers back bit by bit and it takes all my self control not to do the little mincing "oh god there's a rodent in our bedroom" dance and put on a nonchalant face. It's pretty hard to recover from a mince, so it has to be avoided at all costs.

All the covers are off and so far no animals. We check under the bed, under the mattress, around the bed and nothing. We put the covers and sheets by the cat to determine if they were bothering her. Nothing. I go lay on the couch to see if she will come to me away from the bed. No problem, she's fine with Couch Jason.

And so, naturally, we're confused. Who wouldn't be? So far we've eliminated large animals and intruders and have determined that the calls were not, in fact, coming from inside the house. What was left? Hell if I know. All I knew for sure was that I didn't want to wake up in a tub full of ice with my kidney removed.

In the end, we are both scientists, so we decided to do some further experimentation. We re-assembled the bed covers in an attempt to recreate the situation. Then, I lay on my side of the bed and we tried to put the cat on my chest again. Same response (claws and generally hissiness). The Wife on my side of the bed? Sure, the cat has no problem with that. Me on her side of the bed? That's okay too. So apparently the problem is with me being on my side of the bed.

The answer was pretty obvious at this point. Clearly we had some sort of ghost and that ghost had positioned itself right by my usual sleeping place. I wasn't too thrilled about this, but it was getting late and so I figured I was just going to have to live with it. After much debate about the relative merits of sleeping with a ghost versus sleeping in the living room, I decided it would be best to go with the Scooby Doo ending.

Me: Let's see who this ghost really is!

Pulls off scary ghost mask

The Wife and I in unison: Mr. McGreevey, the landlord!

Me: But why would he do it?

The Wife: Mr. McGreevey wanted to try and scare us away so he could raise the rent on the next tenant. He thought that if we thought the apartment was haunted, we'd try to break the lease. But he couldn't fool Dagny, right girl?

Dagny: *meow*

Wife and I in unison: Right!

Mr. McGreevey: And it would have work, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!

Me: Another mystery solved! Whadya say you and I head down to the local diner and share a malt.

Wife: Fuckin' A!

Sox Nation?

2005-10-17T09:03:00.000-05:00

I don't think so.

If you listen to the radio around Chicago, you would think that this is a Sox town. Every station is proclaiming the greatness that is the White Sox. One morning radio duo even referred to the celebrating fans as "White Sox Nation."

Oh, come on.

You don't get to be a "Nation" when you have 14,000 empty seats in September. If your fans can't be bothered to come to the park until there is a chance for a World Series, then you don't deserve the label "White Sox Nation."

Let me just say that I envy the Cub fans that don't have to live in Chicago and see the words "White Sox" on every overpass and every building south of downtown. Where were these signs during the season, when the Sox were the best team in baseball?

Yes, the White Sox are a good team. However, there is no reason to pretend that Chicago loves the Sox.

We don't.

A Tale of Two Teams

2005-10-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

So there's two teams playing in Chicago right now:

Good Bears and Evil Bears.

(White Sox? Blackhawks? I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about)

The Good Bears played today and destroyed the Vikings 28-3. This is the same Bears team that dominated the Lions in week two. Unfortunately, more times than not the Evil Bears take the field. And the Evil Bears suck. They suck real bad.

That is the extent of the analysis offered on this site when it comes to football.

Good Bears==Good.

Evil Bears==Bad.

I hope that is clear. Go Good Bears!

Toes of Lavender

2005-10-14T10:30:00.000-05:00

The next existential comedy from David O'Russell?

I wish.

That would be much funnier than anything you will find here. Nope, all I've got here is reality, my friends. Cold, stark reality and some moderately gross details. However, if you're really lucky, maybe I'll throw in a joke or limerick or something (but I wouldn't count on it).

Okay, here we go...

The marathon was angry that day, that much I know. The streets were pounding upwards against the bottoms of my feet as I glided gently above. I don't know why the path decided to take its asphalty rage out on my feet, but I do know the result. Two toe nails that belong in a Crayola box, not at the end of my piggies.

The smaller one I am ignoring. On my left foot the adolescent older brother of the cute little pinky toe is damaged beyond repair, but nobody pays any attention to the middle child. That nail will just have to fall off on its own. No, that toe is not the one that has filled my heart with sorrow; it is the demise of Generalissimo Big Toe, the captain of my right foot.

I removed my shoes and socks after the 26.2 miles of pounding to find that either my toe had been holding its breath the whole run (which I find unlikely for obvious reasons (there's no way my toe could hold its breath for four hours)) or I had a blood blister under the nail.

It ended up being the blood blister thing.

The pain didn't seem too bad at first, but that was just because everything south of the border was inflamed. It wasn't until the pain receded from the rest of my lower extremities that I noticed my big toe was still throbbing. Shoes were not an option...I am the last guy left wearing sandals in October.

I managed to ignore it for 2 days but the possibility of not being able to run for weeks because of a toe was beginning to creep into my mind. I decided that it was either the nail or me, and when faced with this decision I always go with "nail." And so the nail has been impaled.

How, you ask?

The Wife took up a straightened paper clip and held it to a flame. Once the paper clip began to glow she thrust it into the offending nail like a hot knife into butter (or, alternately, like a hot paper clip into nail. Turns out they both melt pretty easily).

Note: I am leaving out the part where she had to try five times to get the hole deep enough and that when she did I yelped like a little girl. I don't think that's relevant to the story. Anyway, here comes the part where stuff oozes.

Once the nail was lanced blood and goo spurted like a geyser, coating the walls (I exaggerate...but there was blood and goo!).

Plunging my foot into water, the toe was drained by squeezing out little fountains of red. This continued until the color of my right big toes matched my left. Victory! The blood blister had been vanquished and the pressure relieved. I was once again lord of my foot and wielded absolute power over my toes.

So allow me to put forth a warning to all future blood blisters:

Should you attempt to infiltrate any part of my general toe region at any point in the future, you will be impaled a deadly combination of hot paper clip and extreme prejudice.

Huzzah!!!!!

oops

2005-10-10T21:49:00.000-05:00

I meant to mention that the Wife has written up a race report over at our blog. I think it captures the in-race thoughts very well.

Jason and Leah Run

The aftermath

2005-10-10T21:28:00.000-05:00

This is not the race report. I do have plans to work up a full race report in the next week, but I want to wait until I have a few pictures to throw in there and I plan to write it up right. After all, it took me 10 months of training to run this thing, so I think I can take a few days to sum it up.

First off, the number:

4:20:15

Not too bad. Just under 10 minute miles which is exactly what we trained for. The most important number, of course, is 26.2. 26.2 miles is long no matter how fast you run it.

My next goal is a sub-4 marathon and the long term goal is to qualify for Boston.

Did I like it? Let's just say this: The day after running 26.2 miles the Wife and I hobbled down to the local Borders and bought a new book, Advanced Marathoning.

26.2

2005-10-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

yikes

The Nobel Prize in Physics

2005-10-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

...not just for huge geeks anymore!

Actually, that's not true. It's still reserved for big science-y nerd types. Otherwise they would probably call it the Nobel Prize in Beer Bonging.

So, anyway, a couple of Americans and a German shared the prize this year, winning for the use of "lasers" in optics. These "lasers" were utilized in the development of, among other things, the optical frequency comb. This quickly became the second most important comb in the physics community, second only to the moustache comb.

*ba dum bum*

(Because, you see, physicists have a reputation for liking the facial hair)

(It's funny...really.)

*cough*

Plans to take over the world still in effect

2005-10-04T12:24:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to clear a few things up, just in case it wasn't clear that I am still fully in control.

You see, yes, it is true that I recently lost an "election" because I got fewer "votes" than "everyone," but it is not true that I'm a loser. I may have lost, but I'm not a loser. Not the same thing.

You see, this is all part of my rather clever plan to infiltrate the Graduate Student political arena from the outside. Sure, the Wife will attend their quaint little "meetings," but the ideas she advances will not be her own. Unbeknownst to her (and she doesn't know about this, so shhhhhh) the ideas she thinks are hers will actually be mine, having been placed in her head in a most subtle manner. Carefully crafted will be my plan and none will be the wiser.

And then I will unleash my army of the undead.

...they thought they could play me for the fool. Let's see how they like it when the dead rise from the grave to feast on the brains of the insolent. Not so funny now, is it?

I AM NOT A MONKEY IN A HAT!!!

I WILL NOT DANCE!!!!!

But I'm getting off the subject. The point is, I have amassed a Zombie army, they will eat brains, and this day will be rued.

(for those of you who may have noticed that this conflicts a bit with my previous post: I considered comporting myself with a quiet dignity and grace, but in the end I decided to go with the Zombie army. Takes a little more effort, but I'll save a fortune in hats)

Political Career off to a Rocky Start

2005-10-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

The local Graduate Student organization election has come and gone and it wasn't good for Jason.

The Wife and I both decided to run for the GSA, the graduate student counsel here at Fermilab. We both figured it would be a fun thing to do. Mostly it is an exercise in planning parties and finding ways to get free food into the hands of grad students (who, it so happens, live off free food), but more than that it is a springboard into the political arena.

For this writer, however, the political path has become clouded. I blame a flawed system. A system where all that matters is who got the most votes, not who is the best looking. What sort of election process is based on substance and not aesthetics?

Absurd, I tell you.

Just absurd.

All was not lost, though. The Wife pulled out a glorious victory and snatched up one of the five elected positions. She will carry forth the Grace and Wayne name into the seedy political underbelly of Fermi. Our agenda will be advanced.

Oh yes, it will.

*looks upwards thoughtfully*

But with the wife being elected and the husband (that's me) being left on the sidelines, I am put in an unusual position. I am now the Eleanor to her Franklin, the Martha to her George. And so I must carry myself with dignity that my situation demands. I see myself as the Jackie O type. I will exhibit a quiet grace and a style that demands the attention of the American public.

Grace? Yes, grace. Bill, are you listening? You might want to keep an eye on how I handle this, as you are going to be in the same situation in '08.

Grace...that's the key. That and a snappy hat.

A Plea

2005-10-02T19:08:00.000-05:00

I need help.

So, as I understand it, the Yankees have now clinched the AL East (dammit dammit dammit) and Boston has clinched the Wild Card. However, the Yankees and Red Sox have the same record. I'm really confused as to why these two teams with identical records are not getting ready for a one game playoff. All I can guess is that this is being decided by the head to head record between these two teams, but I don't recall that happening ever before.

I've tried to find the answer myself, not wanting to depend on the kindness of strangers, but thus far to no avail. As far as I can tell, nobody else feels that anything unusual is going on.

So, if you know anything, drop an explaination in the comments box.

Help me out.

And now, the rest of the story

2005-09-29T14:57:00.000-05:00

So the Wife sent a strongly worded letter off to the manager of the local Fleet Feet. I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say capital letters were involves and leave it at that. Turns out, they were listening. The manager of Fleet Feet wrote back a very apologetic letter and expressed a desire to re-acquire our business and even offered to send along a gift certificate as a means of apology.

Hard to stay mad when the people turn all nice. Apparently the sales people involved in "the incident" have been spoken to and everyone over there acknowledges that they were in the wrong.

So yes, the customer service that day was terrible, but Fleet Feet will now get another chance. If nothing else, they have said that they aim to please, and so now we will go and make sure their actions mirror their words.

And that, folks, is the rest of the story.

A Letter from the Wife

2005-09-29T08:08:00.000-05:00

Below is a letter from the Wife regarding the service we received at the Fleet Feet on North Ave here in Chicago. I can vouch for the fact that the customer sevice there was appalling and that, being a specialty store, it is generally a good idea to be polite. There is a limited pool of people to draw customers from so one probably doesn't want to drive off any potential customers. So below is the letter that she has posted on various running sites and a variation of this letter was sent to Fleet Feet management. The lesson as always: don't piss of my wife.

I am appalled at the customer service I got at my local Fleet Feet running store yesterday evening.

At the beginning of last week I went into the Fleet Feet in Chicago on North Ave to buy my shoes for the marathon. I figured with 3 weeks left to go until the race, I would have plenty of time to get them. The store didn’t have either my husband’s or my size in the shoe we were looking for, so they said that they would order them for us. They had hubby’s at another local store so they said they would be at the store in two days. For my shoes, they had to order them and said it would take a week. So I went into the store a week later because my husband’s shoes had come in (although a week later not two days like they said!). I asked about my shoes and after many looks in the back and then telling me that they would be in on October 15th (yes this is a week after the marathon I am running in), then took a closer look at the card with my information on it and said, “Oh, we just put that order in yesterday” So I asked them why then last week they told me they would be in in a week. Cashier lady said, “Well, we put our orders in on Mondays, it’s not my fault”

And. That. Was. It.

No apologies, no helping to see what other options there could be. Just pointing the finger at someone else and looking at me like I was crazy for thinking that a specialty running shoe store would be as helpful as possible in getting in what I need. How could I want a new pair of shoes for the marathon, I mean what is wrong with me!

It was absolutely the worst costumer service I have ever received. I mean I wasn’t shopping at the local Sport Mart or Sports Authority where some 17 year old is just there to look cool. They are a specialty running store and they did nothing to try and please the customer. Instead they did everything to get me out of the store as fast as they could. I worked at the local Sport Mart when I was 15 and I am now currently a physics graduate student and I know better sales behavior. I mean, I’m sorry but how hard is it to please the runner. We love our stuff: shoes, shirts, shorts, watches, sunglasses and so on. A little bit of help goes a long way in my book. Now Fleet Feet has lost both my business and my husbands’ business. You do the math….shoes alone would have been roughly 600 dollars a year. Plus, who knows who else I can contact though the few channels that I know.

I am still out to find a better store and stopped by Universal Sole on Lincoln Ave and they seem to be on the task of finding the shoes I am looking for. Hopefully they will come through for me and get the shoes I am looking for so I don't have to run in shoes that will have way over 300 miles on them. This is a bad situation and I just want to warn those that read this site to try their best to find another shoe store so they don't have to have this kind of problem in the future.

*Update. I found three other running stores in Chicago that were very willing to help me out. I ended up finding the shoes I needed in my size at Running Away at 1753 N. Damen in Wicker Park. Just goes to show that Fleet Feet is not in fact the heaven of running stores and there are plenty of places to buy shoes. The people at Running Away were very friendly and so thanks to them for the help.

Fool me once, shame on you

2005-09-28T09:30:00.000-05:00

Fool me twice and...Maddux loses a streak.

Okay, so the saying isn't really all that relevant in this case, but it has the word twice in it and that is all I needed out of my saying today. Because, you see, I did it to Maddux twice. Twice I mentioned that he needed a win to continue his lifetime achievement streak, and twice he blew it.

Sorry Greg.

In other news...

Jamie Rieger Productions, the burgeoning corporate entity that includes both its namesake and his child labor ("I said funnier! Move you impudent whelps; the classics won't read themselves!") has returned from vacation and is kicking it up a notch. While reading the Iliad and Odyssey was all well and good, there was something missing. You see, while the epics of Homer are all very nice and ancient, they are not obscure enough. It is this missing element that is captured with the reading of Herodotus (wha? Yeah, that's what I said). So if you're looking for a snarky interpretation of a really old book you've never heard of, head on over and check it out. I doubt you'll be disappointed (although I have no way to prove this).

And, of course, there is always the daily update. Today he takes on Mothman. Very excellent with a cartoon and everything!

And finally...

Those of you who know me know I have a thing for the Giant Squid (not that there's anything wrong with that). I find it fascinating because it's sort of a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a whole lot of salty water. And it can take on a killer whale, which is something I always find impressive. But for the first time ever the Giant Squid has been captured on film and if you saw the Discovery Channel epic series "Search for the Giant Squid" you know they had tried really hard for a long time with little luck to get one on camera. Actually, if you saw the show, you know the show would have been better titled "The Failed Search for the Giant Squid, Unless you Count the Fact that we have a Bunch of Dead Squid on a Table." I think they kept the shorter name because it was a bit zippier.

Anyway, here is a great quote from the article:

Mori said the squid, which was purplish red like smaller squid, attacked its quarry aggressively, calling into question the image of the animal as lethargic and slow moving.

"Contrary to belief that the giant squid is relatively inactive, the squid we
captured on film actively used its enormous tentacles to go after prey," Mori said.

Oh, I feel better. You see, this is why I don't go into the ocean. Giant Squid. Giant Squids (Squid? Squids? Squi?) that are 25 feet long and attack aggressively. Actually, that is also why I don't like to swim in the middle of lakes, but that is probably an irrational fear. Although in my defense, you can't see the bottom of the lake and so there is no reason that there couldn't be some kind of giant squid lurking at the bottom. Or maybe a Kraken. You never know.

Who could have known the Giant Squid would be both huge and aggressive? Jules Verne, that's who. He had seen the future, and it was squid-tastic

Prolonging the Streak, Part II

2005-09-27T10:14:00.000-05:00

With his back against the wall, Maddux will once again attempt to stretch his streak of consecutive 15 win seasons to 18 in a row. Go Go Greg!

In other news...

Demspter would like to stay with the Cubs

And who wouldn't? Dempster fancies himself a loyal individual and wants to come back and help the team that gave him a chance reach the promised land. Honestly, I'd be pretty happy about this just so we don't have to hear about a closer battle in spring training. If there is magic closer pixie dust, it seems Dempster has a pocket full as he has managed to convert 31 out of 33 save opportunities this year, one of the better marks in the league. Hopefully having an "established closer" next year will allow all the other relievers to "settle into their rolls" and "not suck." Here's hoping.

From the Corner of Grace and Wayne

It's a conspiracy!

Headlines, June 25th

Name #83 my future son will never have:

Vincent

Headlines, June 23rd

To my three remaining readers

Sweep!

Respect the Barrett!

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

CUBS WIN!!!!CUBS WIN!!!!CUBS WIN!!!!

Aaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd...

CUBS WIN!!!!CUBS WIN!!!!CUBS WIN!!!!

Cubs' Home Opener!!

Let the trials begin!

.500

Is it wrong that this makes me happy?

Cubs Notes

All freaked out

Welcome to Opening Day

Say it ain't so, Vin

More fun with IMDB Message Boards

Or, as I like to call it, a Saturday night

There are no words

This is why you don't screw with Mother Nature

MySpace used to catch bad people

Preacher Shot in the Back by Wife

Cub News

Miller

A-Team revisited

Happy 300th!

Laundry day (every day)

Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reading Tea Leaves

March Madness is upon us

Prior injured

What I did on my Winter Vacation

Noah's Ark found by satellite

This and That

Another link

Bullpen report

Oddities

Linking things

News and Notes

AP: Castro says U.S. afraid to face Cuba in Classic

Sago mine survivor awakening

Former tennis ace to serve jail time

NASA delays Pluto launch again

Best. Weekend. Ever.

Writers still don't get it

This Year's HOF Ballot: The Almosts

Happy 2006

The Gummi Revolution

Will I ever post again?

The Lineup

Things moving

Patriot Act starting to work

Everything else first

Sorry

Chicago is blowing away, Part II

Chicago is blowing away

Otters need more living space

Rabbit Season!

A-Rod wins MVP

...

Just because Pat Robertson is a doofus

The Debate rages on

Intelligent Design's back, baby!

Notes

A life of it's own

ING NYC Marathon

A Thousand Apologies

The Old Vegas is Back, baby!

NASA sets priorities

Evolve, damn you! Evolve!

The Reason Why the Hair-less are Actually Genetically Superior to the Hair-full(...and probably smarter...and definitely more virile...Picard was bald, you know...)

Ladies and gentlemen, your Gold Glove winners

Debating the Cubs

A couple links

It's that time of year again!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

CUBS WIN!!!!

The Reason Why the Hair-less are Actually Genetically Superior to the Hair-full

(...and probably smarter...and definitely more virile...Picard was bald, you know...)