Is it just me, or is the news getting more and more depressing (hint: it's not just me). Just glancing at CNN's homepage we see: one person shot to death, one 10 year old having limbs reattached, one person dead while drumming, and another dragged to death. And this is before looking for news of the Michael Jackson case. But, it is not all depressing. Here's all the news that is fit to not commit suicide by.

Children brave rain for White House egg roll

I can't blame these kids, it's a well known fact that the White House has the best egg rolls. Not as good, however, as the White House Crab Rangoon or the General Tso's Chicken. I'm not entirely sure what egg rolls had to do with Easter, but maybe after the resurrection Jesus went out for some Sweet and Sour pork.

In keeping with the Easter theme...

Terry Shiavo receives Easter Communion

A single drop of wine on her tongue. Out of respect for the brain dead, I will refrain from making jokes relating to a drunk Terry Shiavo. I think they would be in bad taste. Speaking of bad taste... One group of protesters in support of Michael Shiavo was the Revolutionary Communist Youth Brigade. Hey, on behalf of all those in support of pulling the tube: we don't need your help. you can go home now. Why is the only group CNN could find to mention is a group of freaking communists? I guess the answer is that reasonable people don't go to these things to protest. Reasonable people leave the family in peace to sort out this private matter...privately. I'm looking at you, Rev. Patrick Mahoney.

And one last religion-related topic:

As gunman approached, teacher prayed

The whole school massacre was such a sad thing that I will make only one comment. Religion teaches that God helps those that help themselves. She probably would have been better off trying to do something to stop the gunman than just pray at him. That being said, I'm pretty impressed she go out a single word, as I would have been too busy peeing myself to speak.

changing topics...

White women earn less

More fuel for the Def Comedy Jam white women vs. black women schtick, as a new report indicates that college educated white women earn less than college educated black women. While this is just one more difference to note while doing standup, lets not forget to celebrate the similarities too. These include loving to shop and being "so crazy."

And finally, lest I forget, this was brought to my attention by the lovely wife...

Burger King unleashes Enormous Omelete sandwich upon the masses

Bigger than a Whopper, this is an entire two egg omelete, sausage patty, two slices of american cheese, and three strips of bacon on a bun. Total count: 730 calories and 47 grams of fat. And the report: yum-a-licious. This sandwich will be taking on Mothra for honor of "biggest threat to hit mankind since Godzilla."