Monday, June 26, 2006


It's a conspiracy!

The Wife and I headed over to the Gay Pride parade this last weekend and it was pretty awesome. We were only able to stay for half of it as we had to work, but we were there long enough to see lots of boys and very few shirts. Let's just say The Wife had a field day.

And, actually, it all seemed pretty innocent. That is, until I woke up the next day and a series of suspicious events began to unfold.

I take a shower, seeing as how today is a Monday and all, and my very manly Edge shaving gel has run out. I'm faced with two questionable choices: go fuzzy-faced or use The Wife's girly gel. Well, I grow pretty terrible facial hair, so it was definitely time to shave. Really, the choice was not a choice at all and so I lathered up with some pink stuff.

Ah, nice and smooth again. Let the morning ritual continue.

I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and went to deoderize my self when...Great Scott! My deoderant had run out. My manly Degree Ultra Testoterone-laced deoderant that is so key to my trademark scent. What to do!? My eyes dart over to The Wife's Secret.


But it's strong enough for a man...

But it's made for a woman...

This is when it stuck me. This was too much of a coincidence. For someone as butch as I to have to comtemplate using girl products...this just doesn't happen. And now that I think about it, there was that one flag guy in the Lakeview Gay Marching Band who seemed to give me an extra long glance. Almost...sizing me up. I'd heard that the gays want to convert all the hetros, but I never really believed it. I mean, we all have heard of the homosexual adgenda, but I thought it was a myth. Now...I wonder. Was there a homosexual invasion of my fortress of hetrocity last night? Have I been violated with Raspberry scented gels and Shower Fresh deoderant?

I may never fully know the truth, but there is one thing I know for sure.

I smell fabulous!

Sunday, June 25, 2006


Headlines, June 25th

Man wins $400K for 10-year implant malfunction

He was, um, "at attention" for over ten years and this turned out to be a rather embarassing situation.

In other words, he got to relive age 12 for the past 10 years, albeit without the risk of being called to the chalkboard to solve math problems.

Sort of Groundhog Day in Hell.

Go someplace different this July Fourth

Well, I'm heading to England. I want to see how the losers celebrate.




Smooth move: Raiders' Moss opens his juice bar

Am I the only one who's shocked to not see Bonds's name attached to this headline?

(although I suppose Palmerio's name could have just as easily been attached to the first headline)

Salmonella chocolate still on shelves

I'm not one to judge, but they should really consider a different name...

Saturday, June 24, 2006


Name #83 my future son will never have:


A Vincent will never throw a baseball with anywhere near the same flourish that he does a 20-sided die. Why? Well, mostly because you should never throw a baseball with a flourish. It just isn't done. Also because Vincent is about 99.978% poet. The rest? Filler.

No baseball.

Vincent has the most magnificently long girl hair. Honestly, it's transcendent. It hangs down his back, well past his bra-strap, and there's not a split end to be found. And, at the very end, the hair is bound with...a scrunchie. Now, mind you, this isn't a ponytail proper. Ponytails can actually be okay. Hell, there are plenty of Hell's Angels sporting very respectable ponytails (although they rather than using a scrunchie to maintain their ponytail, they simply use the flesh of the innocent). No, the hair still has that lustrous, flowing look; it is just kept a bit more manageable with this...scrunchie.

Vincent is just so sensitive, barely ever speaking above a whisper whilst nibbling on his carrot sticks. His pale, delicate features bear an expression that could only be described as "wistful." Why the wistful look? Most likely because he still holds onto hopes that he will be visited by Dumbledore and whisked off to Hogwarts like in the paperback edition of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix that he carries along with him. Vincent? You're pushing 30. If an owl was going to bring you a letter with the Hogwarts seal stamped on it, it would likely have come back when you were getting beat up and really could have used it.

No, Vincent will never be my son. There's a reason that the sensitive, misunderstood lion-thing in Beauty and the Beast was named 'Vincent'. That was the only way that we would know that behind that hideous visage lay (lie? lied?) the heart of a poet. If my son is going to fulfill my dreams, he has to be a lot more Mickey Mantle, and a lot less lion-living-in-a-sewer.

So, Vincent, enjoy your renaissance festival and wear your tights proudly. Just know that you will never share a name with my son.

Apologies to any Vincents reading this (now go cut your damn hair)

Friday, June 23, 2006


Headlines, June 23rd

Okay, I'm still working on a way to use this site for quasi-humorous purposes without taxing my time to too great an extent. My initial idea is to play around with headlines to see if this sparks some creativity. Given that all of 12 people, probably 11 of whom are stopping by completely randomly, are reading this, the pressure to be funny is pretty low. So bear with me as I try to regain a warped perspective on things.

Donor to the 2004 Edwards campaign has been fined.

Okay, I get that the Democratic party isn't at it's best right now. We've (and I use "we" fairly loosely as I have contributed exactly nothing to the political arena, going so far as to quickly shoo away the nice young lady who buzzed my apartment begging for a contribution to the DNC. It's so sad to see them beg, but also a little funny. Alright, mostly funny) been beaten down a bit, true, but I hardly think it's fair to start fining people for contributing to the party. Isn't it bad enough that they already threw their money away without having to pay another fine?

Canada raises age of consent from 14 to 16

14? Really? How very Elizabethan of them. I realize that they genuflect to the Queen Mum up north but I guess I was just confused as to which one they followed.

Soldiers' brutal deaths confirmed to families

Geez, we appreciate the effort, but do they have to use the word "brutal." Here's a bit of advice: when you have to deliver bad news, soften it up a bit.

Rising gas prices fire up bloggers

The bloggers are fired up? I'm not laughing. Really, I'm not.

Why does the term "tilting at windmills" come to mind?

Nude resorts take off gloves in fight for customers

They were wearing gloves?

To this I say: worst. nude beach. ever.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006


To my three remaining readers

(one of whom is me)

Maybe you've noticed this, but it's been awhile since I posted. It you haven't noticed, then either you take a very long view of time (and don't consider my posting pause to have been a long one) or you just aren't very obesrvant. Since you have been so kind to keep reading despite the recent one-sided nature of this site, I'm going to assume the former.

What have I been doing all this time? Well, don't worry reader(s), it hasn't been anything productive. I wouldn't betray you by working or spending time with my loved ones. Nope, I've been writing on the internet like I always do. I'm still a loser, I've just relocated a bit.

Much of my time have been spent at Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. I have been writing a Series Preview each week, which takes up a fair amount of time, plus whatever else I post over there. Seriously, if you used to like reading this site for baseball (which is odd because I don't even like to read what I have to say about the Cubs), check out Goat Riders if you don't already. It is updated several times a day and there is lots of really good and funny stuff. Plus, one of the guys over there actually knows how to photoshop. That's always fun.

The rest of my time is spent with my wife's and my running site. There we write about all our daily stuff including, of course, running. Again, same writing as I used to do here and it isn't all about running. Lots of good stuff. So, it's not like I gave up on the Cubs (I mean, I have, but that is unrelated to the site) or life, I just am writing on a couple better sites.

I don't want to let this site go, though. Not really. I just need to figure out what to write on here that I would rather not write on one of the other sites. Maybe stuff about the news? There has to be something interesting to write about that doesn't take an hour out of my time.

I think I'll start writing here again at some point. If nothing else, just because I like the name of the site.

So, reader, thanks for checking back in occasionally to see if I've gotten off my ass and thrown something down on paper. Check back again and maybe I'll have something new and interesting. Probably not, but you never know.

Monday, April 10, 2006



I've kind of got some MacGuyver hair going on here. So, the way I see it, I have one of two options available to me. I could:

1) build a time machine, go back to 1989, and be declared TV's sexiest man or
2) get a hair cut.

I'm sort of torn. I don't really like getting my hair cut, but I definitely was not a big fan of 1989 (not my finest year). Maybe I'll go with Mystery Option #3 and guest star in an episode of Stargate SG1.

Anyway, as the title of the post suggests, the Cubs swept the lowly Cardinals (I have to say that while I can). Lots of great stuff on the sweep over at Goat Riders, including some from the ballpark recaps. I'll be at the game on Wednesday, which will be my first look at the new Wrigley.

Go Cubs.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


Respect the Barrett!

No offense to Death's post on benching Barrett over at Goat Riders, but he makes a statement that is impossible to defend. Not to worry, he's not the first person to say this and he's in some good company (Andy from Desipio comes to mind). He quotes (indirectly) the Catcher's ERA stat that says that pitchers had an ERA of 3.5 when throwing the Blanco and 4.5 when throwing to Barrett. The implication, of course, is that Barrett has been so bad on defense that he is causing pitchers to give up an extra run a game.

Over the course of the season, that amounts to 162 runs. This is saying that Blanco is 162 defensive runs better than Barrett. Barrett has single-handedly cost the Cubs 162 runs. If we take a nice, even number and say that there are about 9 runs in a win (I'm being very conservative here since I'm not sure how WARP and such stats derive expected wins from runs) then that mean Blanco is 18 wins better than Barrett on defense. 18 wins. That means that the Cubs would have won 96 games last year with Blanco catching. Most MVP candidates contribute 8-10 wins to their team's success. Sooooo...Blanco for the HOF?

The point of this is to point out how ridiculous a stat Catcher's ERA is. It is possibly the most misleading stat in the game. Is Barrett a bad defensive catcher? Yeah, pretty much. He certainly isn't good. But all those runs he contributes on offense count and have to be weighed against the defensive runs he gives up. And let me tell you, folks, he doesn't give up enough defensive runs to make up for Blanco's enimic bat, especially if you figure that Blanco's unlikely to repeat last year's offensive performance. It's just not possible for one player to have that great a defensive impact.

And another thing, if Barrett calls such a bad game, don't blame him. The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of Larry Rothschild and Dusty Baker. Many, many teams call pitches from the dugout and there is no reason the Cubs can't do this. In everyone in the stadium knows that Barrett should call a waste pitch, then the folks in the dugout damn well should too and it is up to them to make sure it happens.

People should just be happy with what we have. An above average catcher heading sitting firmly in his prime.

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