Tuesday, March 01, 2005

 

A Very Brady Blog

Well, intrepid readers, it has finally happened. Today is a good day, and not just because I didn't have to use my AK. If you thought August 24th, 2004 was a big day - well, it pales in comparison to this. After years of petitioning, the voice of the masses has been heard...and the first season of the Brady Bunch has been released!

Now, don't leave my site to buy to just yet or you will miss out on my take. And what a sweet take it is. Because, as we all know, the Brady Bunch is a metaphor for life. I mean, it's not the most subtle metaphor, but a metaphor nonetheless. But what I think is lost on most people is the fact that the Brady Bunch relates to all facets of life, and can teach us all a very important lesson. With that, I present to you a very special From the Corner of Grace and Wayne (parents, you may want to read this with your kids).

What, you ask, can the Brady Bunch teach us about the Cubs? Well, the question is, what can't it teach us. I think you'll find that there is more than one lesson to be learned from a certain lovely lady and a man named Brady when it comes to the Cubs.

Clutch or No? The Cubs seemed to endlessly fail in clutch situations last year. It was kind of sad, really, as endless bases loaded situations were squandered with narry a run scored. Is this a lack of clutch hitting or just bad luck? Well, let's ask a young man by the name of Greg Brady. He and Marcia had a bet on who would score higher on their driver's ed test. Suffice to say, in the end, it came down to a wacky contest in the Brady driveway where the final test was who could come closest to a pylon with an egg on top without hitting the pylon and knocking off the egg. Greg was confident, referring to himself as "Mr. Clutch", but in the end he clutched - the car jumped - and the egg was dashed to the ground like Barry William's self respect. Marcia, with a zen-like calm, cruised up withing a inch of the pylon, coasting to an easy victory. Two equal drivers, one failing in the clutch...clear evidence that one needs to carefully recruit only the clutchiest of clutch players.

Real or No? Should we have believed in the 2004 Cub's playoff chances, or was there evidence that they would flop? Last year, the Cubs were the annoying, ugly, little sister of the National League. This leads us to the nature parallel: Jan Brady. She was the stringy-haired loser with glasses that would always come second-fiddle to her older sister. There was no way she would ever get a date, so what did she do? She invented one. George Glass: he's hunky, he's smart...he's a manquin. Once Jan's lying about George Glass had gone too far, and she needed some physical evidence to prove that she too could score with the boys, she enlisted the aid of a store-front manaquin - and made out with it. Where am I going with this you ask? Is this blog entry spiralling out of control? I say no. The Cubs had no date with destiny last year. They couldn't have one. Not with Merker constantly stomping his feet and crying "Anouncers! Anouncers! Anouncers!" or Alou's "It's not fair, everyone else gets the calls, why not me?" They faked most people out, but in the end, they were just making out with a manaquin that fell apart at the malt shop. And that, my friends, is no winner.

Beautiful or No? The Cub's had an ugly season in 2004. A beautiful franchise was brought down a few pegs by a nasty set of players and end-of-season nose dive. Speaking of noses (what a transition), I think we can all learn a little lesson on beauty from a fair-haired daughter: Marcia Brady. She was a true beauty...brushing her hair 100 times each day (it makes it soft and shiny!)...cheerleader...just classic looks. But then one day fate played a cruel joke in the form of a football spiraling through the air and, as if blown by the winds of destiny, that football landed squarely on Marcia's nose, flattening it like so much road kill. Tears flowed freely and a once epic beauty cried "oh, my nose!" But, don't despair dear readers, because some good would come out of this. Marcia learned that there is more to life than a beautiful facade, and what's inside is what counts (of course, this is just tv. In real life, no one likes an ugly girl). The 2004 season was like so many footballs spiraling into the nose of the Chicago Cubs franchise. Sammy walks out - boom - footbal in the nose. Farnsworth kicks a fan - boom - another football up the nostrils. Alou pees on his hands - well, that's just gross. But through all this we learn that a pretty face is not what is important to the franchise, but rather the quality of the francise is what counts. Loverable losers sucks, so let's focus on the game and stop worrying about the face of the franchise.

I think I've made my point pretty clearly here. These are just a few of the endless examples of lessons the Cubs could learn from the Elite Eight. And I haven't even gotten to the most important lesson of all...when the Brady Bunch had to appear in a laundry detergent commercial...but the detergent wasn't really the best. But that is for another day.

Comments:
Jason...am I to understand from the tone of this blog that the Brady Bunch is no longer on network TV? I don't want to live!
 
I want to hear more about the maid. You know, good ole what's her name. Alice! (It was only a matter of time.) Please tell me she's a Popeye metaphor.
 
Goddamn, that was funny.
 
Uh, sorry. Can I say "goddamn" on your blog?
 
How come you never told me that Boy Meets World was out on DVD?
 
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
 
I was waiting until Christmas, but then I realized you're Jewish, so...
 
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