I can't believe I still have to wait 3 hours for this game to start. Why do we have the west coast anyway? For wine? I can get my wine from France if I'm really thirsty. Besides, I've got Oldstyle, so what use do I have for wine? All the west coast does is screw up my life by making all the Cubs' games really late and hard to watch.

And did you ever notice how close California is to Russia? They practically touch! I bet the west coast is 50% russian spies and we all know they are all communists over there anyway. They think they're so clever with their high average temperatures and mild winters. Well, Lefty McCommunist, here in Chicago we take our 9 degree winter days and love them. And you know what else, Pinko, our summers are hot too. And none of that dry heat crap, or heat is wet and we like it.

But you know, now that I think about it, it occurs to me that Arizona isn't on the west coast. Hmm...well, nevermind then.

Arizona touches Texas, right? That's enough for me right there. Consider the whole state written off. Bah, Arizona.