Friday, May 27, 2005


It's more than just Good versus Evil, It's...

[queue music]

Nerds! Softball
has begun and the evil
Isotopes are taking on the
forces of good, the d0nuts. It is
The ultimate Battle of Good Versus
Evil and it all takes place on the diamond.

[slowly pan down to softball field, where we find the d0nuts taking the field. One Isotope heads to the plate while the rest line the sideline, all puffed up and squishy with the Dark Side. It's all quite dramatic, I assure you]

I head out to third base, pretty much by default. I would much rather head out to the outfield, but like any good Jedi (if the whole Star Wars thing is too much at this point, you might want to stop reading. It just gets worse) I am selfless and only care about the collective good. I'm practically a communist. To my left is the shortstop...the force is strong with this one (i.e., he throws really, really hard). The Wife (wo)mans second and everyone else is pretty much filler (unless they are reading this, in which case they are all really, really special people).

First batter, strikeout! The forces of good are off to a good start but shortly after there is a small surge in the Dark Side, and the Isotopes scratch out a run. Here's a transcript of one of the plays:

[the pitch]
pitcher: "Here comes the pitch, evil Isotope"
evil batter: "Ha! I've hit the ball to your third baseman!"
Me: "The ball is coming at me, I must use all of my training to make this play. No! I've thrown the ball away. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (arm falls off; is quickly replaced by mechanical one)

The next half inning belongs to the d0nuts. It's line drive after line drive and the mighty d0nuts plate 3 runs. Triumph is ours and this inning belongs to the forces of good. [cue happy music] Joy abounds, and so this seems as good a time as any to interrupt the action with an uncomfortable love scene*:

Me [speaking to wife]: Hey there babe, you looked really hot over there at second.
theWife: That's just because I'm in love with you.
Me: No, it's because I'm in love with you.
theWife: So, what your saying is, I'm only good looking to you because you're in love with me. Is that what you're saying? To anyone else I'd be a troll?
Me: No, that's not...wait, um, let me start over. [gazes into eyes] I hate the infield dirt, it's so rough. Not like you, you're...not rough. You're smooth and pretty.
theWife: [swoons]

But the Forces of Darkness are no so easily cowed. The Isotopes extract their revenge, spraying line drives about the field, and eleven Isotopes cross the plate. The d0nuts are shaken and badly weakened. I feel a great disturbance in the force...but that might also be heartburn. At this point I'm really hungry. After the Revenge of the Isotopes (get it? Isotopes=Sith) things continue badly for our heroes. Hits are hard to come by and the Dark Side weighs down on the d0nuts like something heavy weighing on something light (sorry, I'm not doing similies today. Today is Star Wars).

Futility continues for the d0nuts and we arrive at the top of the fifth with the Isotopes at bat and d0nuts down 16-3. The Isotopes load the bases with one out...and up steps Darth Hit-the-ball-far. The d0nuts resistance starts to crumple. Why? because...

"You don't know the power of the Dark Side"

...but we do now. With one might swing, ol' Darth sends the ball beyond the reach of all that is good (our outfielders, in this case) and clears the bases with a grand slam. After a pathetic bottom of the fifth for the d0nuts, the Isotopes revenge is complete. The mercy rule is invoked, and the d0nuts are scattered off into the night, vanquished by the Dark Side. Sucks to be us.

But evil will not prevail in the end. Despite the fact that I'm 90% sure the Isotopes are building a Death Star, good will win out. One day, after our heroes collect their strength, we will see a Return of the D0nuts, and somehow there will be Ewoks involved.

Until next week, when our hereos take on the Final Force. (What are the odds?)

*how the love scene in Revenge of the Sith would really have gone:

Anakin: You are so beautiful
Padme: No...I hate the way I look. This stupid gown makes me looks fat.
Anakin: I don't think so, I think you look great
Padme: whatever, you never notice anything. I really wish I could lose 10 lbs

Wow! Another team you long to root for, but which shows ineptitude in the field and a complete lack of run-scoring ability at the plate! It's the Fermilab Cubs!
Too bad MLB doesn't have a mercy rule.
Well, the reason we lost was really mostly due to the condition of the field. It is hard to field when there is gras sprouting out of the infield. Yeah, I'm definitely going to blame the field for our loss.

Damn, that was funny. Especially the rewritten love scene.
As a CDFer
(who is out of town at the moment)

Jon - to you and all CDF'ers out there, you might want to participate in a survey that I put out about a month and a half ago:
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