Thursday, June 30, 2005


Jen, We Love You!!!

I swung by Wrigley on Monday to take in the ultimate spectator sport. It was a beautiful summer day (if a bit warm), a gentle breeze was blowing, and Ronnie Woo was doing his thing (oh that wacky). Yes, it was a perfect day for a little celebrity spotting.

Perhaps inspired by the dissolving of America's greatest relationship (if Brad and Jen can't make it, what chance do any of us have?), filming had begun for the soon-to-be blockbuster "The Break Up" starring Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaugn. And it was being filmed right there at Wrigley. And I live near Wrigley. So you can see why I'm excited. I can't stop using italics. Oh, I just peed myself.

Hmmm....maybe I should start at the beginning and gather my thoughts.


The Wife and I set out for our Monday run, an easy, relaxed run in which the route takes us right past Wrigley. So there we were, cruising by at Ludicrous Speed and right before we went to plaid, we noticed a crowd forming outside Wrigley. The run had just started so we went ahead and stopped for a minute to see what was happening with the happenings. Brief inquiries revealed that Jen and Vince were filming in our very own Wrigley Field! Jen! Vince! Wee! However, I wasn't real big on the idea of standing around watching the outside of a ballpark on the off chance that we would catch a glimpse of a famous person, so we pressed on with our run.

The run took us out to North Ave beach for a little swimming and by the time we walked back, it was almost 8 o'clock and the crew was still out there. As, of course, was the crowd. As it turned out, Jen had left the park and was now cornered in her trailer, surrounded by this crowd of gawkers. Not wanting to be some lame-ass celebrity gawker like the rest of the losers (seriously guys, come on, it's just another person) I stood there staring at the trailer but with a slightly bored expression on my face. You see, that's the key to gawking like a moron and hanging onto your dignity at the same time.

In an effort to "smoke out" Ms. Aniston, Ronnie Woo had started a "Jennifer Woo" chant the way only he can (you know what I'm talking about). A chant that went on for, like, 20 minutes straight. Without interruption. In case you're wondering, no I didn't kill myself but yes it would have been a more merciful end. But I couldn't end it all, no matter how appealing it seemed at the time, without first seeing Jennifer Aniston from "Friends". So I stood there. Ten minutes became 15, 15 minutes turned into 20, and then suddenly 30 heads craned at once as two tiny feet touched the ground and...


A wave and a smile (I'm 90% sure she was smiling at me) and then, just like that, she disappeared into the Suburban. And then she was gone.

And now comes the time when I play cultural anthropologist. Pay attention now as I shift the tone of the entry from playful self mockery to serious, intellectual pursuit.

So why does Jen create such a stir? I walk past Wrigley Field on a daily basis and very rarely do I garner either applause or autograph requests. Is she really better than me or is she just an ordinary person who's superiority is a construct of our own imaginations? Is there anything that legitimately places her above me?

The answer, of course, is yes. She is most definitely better than me. It took me a little while to pin down exactly what makes her superior, but I think I have it.

You see, when millions of women copy her hairstyle, it's called a "Jennifer Aniston."

When millions of men copy my hairstyle, they just call it "balding".

...and therein lies the difference.

Sorry, Jason.
I think she is a better person than you.
I've never seen you, but I think she's also much prettier than you.
And, never having smelled either you nor Jennifer Aniston, I'd have to say she likely smells better, too.
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