Wednesday, June 29, 2005


What's that I taste? That's victory. That's...

If you haven't yet learned to fear the d0nuts, the time has come.

Last Wednesday, the Lightening Rods fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is "never get involved in a land war in Asia", but only slightly less well known is this: "never go up against the d0nuts, when Fermiball is on the line!"

Ahahahaha Ahahahaha Ahahaha -

Alright, enough frivolity. There's only two things I hate in this world, and one of them is people who don't take Fermiball seriously (the other, of course, being apes. Damned, dirty apes! DAMN YOU!! DAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMNNN YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!)

But before we get started, there are a couple things you should know to aid in the reading of this entry.
  1. I am frightfully dumb
  2. I make up for my stupidity with my looks
Okay, so you don't really need to know the second bit of information, but it couldn't hurt. And now that we have established a working knowledge of the writer in question (me), it is on to the game.

Onto the game

I know it is poor form to walk in softball, I really do. And I'm a big fan of every kind of etiquette, especially when it involves poorly played team sports. But sometimes the pitcher leaves you with little choice. I mean, I suppose I could try and hit the ball off the bounce, but, well, that isn't going to happen. So the first couple of innigs were a bit of a walk-a-thon (which, sadly, in no way benefitted JDRF).

The good news, though, is that it seems to be easier to score runs when you wait for your pitch and either take the walk or swing at a good pitch. That's right, walking seems to lead to more runs. Okay, now, I'm working on this theory (and hear me out, I'm just brainstorming here) that this strategy might somehow be applied at the major league level. Now, I obviously don't want every team to have access to my ideas, but if I could somehow relay this idea to the Cubs, we might really score some runs. I think this kind of "outside the box" thinking could really impress Mr. Hendry and, yep, I think you might be looking at (well, you know, not actually looking at. At least I hope not. That would be very creepy) a future assistant GM.

...or maybe I could sell out an write a book.

...and call it Fermiball.

I'm going to be rich.

Anyway, sorry for the digression. My first AB resulted in a walk. I'm not proud, but the bases were loaded, so at least I got an RBI out of it and then eventually a run. 11 runs or so later the first inning ended and for once the d0nuts were on top. And there we would stay. On top.

*insert glorious victory music here*

*and here*

*and here again*

Highlights, Lowlights, and Lessons

First the highlights...

At the plate, I did very little. I managed one more walk and an RBI fielders choice, but nothing else. And so, while I was an On Base Machine (one of my top five favorite types of machine, right after the Ronco Food Dehydrator and well ahead of Machine from 8MM), my slugging suffered again. I feel my swing is out of whack, that my stance has perhaps become too open (like my mind). I think it is time to Republican up my stance. So, for all that fans at tonights game, look for a more closed stance from me and, most likely, 3 or 4 homers. Also, I will be wearing a bow tie and insulting everyone who disagrees with me.

Defensively, I made my way around the diamond, taking a turn at all the defensive positions usually manned by women. After a few innings at catcher, I made my way over to second base and was involved in some very dramatic plays. "Higlights", if you will. Well, highlights might be exaggerating a bit. Let's just call them lights. I was at the far end of a very nice double play, the throw to third and back to second variety. I took the throw at second, and even did a little first base style stretch. Very, very dramatic, I assure you. And where will I play tonight? Your guess is as good as mine.

The Lowlights

Remember when I mentioned up front how I am an idiot? The reason I mentioned that is because I'm an idiot. In the bottom of the third, I made the last out (refusing to walk, I just swung at whatever crap came my way). And so, naturally, it made sense that I lead off the next inning, right? Okay, so it made sense in my head (right there next to my tiny brain). I took two balls before the mistake was realized and it cost us an out. Excellent work on my part, I think. I'm not really what you would call a "cerebral" ball player. I'm more what you would call a "very dumb" player. I'm the perfect stereotype of the "Million Dollar Arm, Ten Cent Head" type of player. Except without the Million Dollar Arm. Maybe a million Lira arm...what's the current conversion rate?'s a good thing I can get by on looks alone.

and finally, a Lesson

There needs to be taught a lesson regarding a little thing we call sportsmanship. The Wife was taking a throw at second while a runner barrelled down on her when the runner emitted what would only be described as a "barbaric yawp" (remember the Dead Poets Society? yeah, they sucked at softball too). As Len and Bob would say, that violates the unwritten rules of softball. It might actually violate a written rule of Fermiball. Either way, it's just dirty cricket. The jokes on him, though, as she made the catch anyway and he had to head back to the sidelines.

Which brings us to the conclusion of another exciting installment of Fermiball. Final Score? I'm not really sure, but I think it was 18-11 with the d0nuts pulling out the victory. Next up: Double header tonight, first against the evil Isotopes and then against the not-quite-so-evil Boomers. I'm taking bets on a) how many total innings these games go and b) how many times I have to mention the word "slaughter" in the next installment.

my line: 0-2, 2 walks, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. Total on the season: 5/13, 2 walks, a triple, 7 runs scored, 6 RBIs.


.467 OBP. And you're a run scoring machine.

I wouldn't mind getting ahold of Kotsay, but is he definitely worth $7 mil per?
Not definitely, but I would say: I don't care, go for broke. The added bonus of getting Kotsay is that he puts people into their roles. That is, it gets Korey out of his current role.

Dusty would never do it, but a top three of Kotsay, Walker, Lee would be awesome
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