I was doing the usual cruise through the links the other day when I came across The Hanging Stranger and he had up a post where he expressed a desire to emulate the Indiana Jones/Wolverine archetype, hairy and ass-kicking.

The key here is hairy; I'm all for ass-kicking (especially when it comes to artifact thieving Nazis).

He was discussing the various virtues of those who have yet to shed their furry shells and are fully haired (hair on chest, hair on head, etc...) versus the baldies and those that strive to be like the baldies, the shavers. Now, I agree that those who shave/wax their chests (and other things) are a curious creature and that this is not something society should accept. But what about those of us who are naturally hairless? Otherwise normal people who end life the same way they start it (I mean hairless, not naked and covered in embryonic fluid). So, in defense of my kind, I give my quasi-rebuttal.

The Reason Why the Hair-less are Actually Genetically Superior to the Hair-full

(...and probably smarter...and definitely more virile...Picard was bald, you know...)

Has anyone here ever studied evolution? No? Well, me neither, so the following is just your word against mine (and I have instant cred as I have my own blog). It can be easily demonstrated that, as mammals evolve over time, they lose their coat of fur for a sleeker, more aerodynamic look. This effect is best demonstrated with a picture, so take a look:

As is shown on the above evolutionary chart, we are continually fleeing the state of monkey-dom for a more upright and shiny self. And who is more evolved than Captain Picard? He's in the 23rd century! He has a mechanical heart! Hell, he becomes a part of the continuum at the end of the series (and there's a reason they picked him over the more hirsute Ricker - Ricker is a doof).

And this evolution is not just evident amongst the opposable-thumbed. It's true what they say, after a bit of time, our pets start to look like us (or was that us like them? It's all just one, big, evolutionary mish-mash).

See? No hair, no problem. Plus, I'm pretty sure hairless cats are psychic and can burn a hole in your mind with their cold, wrinkly stares (can stares be wrinkly? Darn tootin').

And I say, this is good news! We should want to be moving in this direction.

The way I see it, we have two futures. In the first future, we are ruled by highly intelligent, telekinetic, super beings with not a hair to be seen:


And in the second, we are ruled by...

Damned, Dirty Apes!!!


Yeah...bald doesn't sound so bad now, does it.

Also see Marathon Running (updates: "I'm Fast" and "Too many SweetTarts")