Tuesday, November 01, 2005


It's that time of year again!

What with the hurricane season coming to a close, concerned citizens throughout America all have the same worry on their mind: what is CNN going to do? CNN is our hurricane headquarters! They live and die by the twisty winds of fate!

It's sad, really. Now that the best hurricane they've got is named Beta (Beta?!?), they are forced to stroll up and down the streets of New Orleans reminiscing about the halcyon days of the Category 5. I mean, what are they going to do with all those yellow rain jackets? What is Miles O'Brien going to do? Clearly he is at his best when disaster strikes, or rather, when disaster strikes.

But dry those leaky eyes, because CNN is about to be back in its element. We've got: The Asian Bird Flu!!! Woooo! When chickens strike, CNN is there! And this is even better than the West Nile epidemic, this is a pandemic.
Pandemic - Similar to an epidemic, except with 40% more hand wringing. Also, pandemics have the opportunity to reach epic proportions, which can lead to much running around and screaming whilst waving one's arms. On the horror scale, think Night of the Lepus.
So, given that we know terror is right around the corner, I give you:

The CNN guide to the Asian Bird Flu

(now in High-def)

Begin Simply: The President is helping you out here, so run with it. Hey, don't look at us, we're just reporting the news. We never said anything about a pandemic. His words, not ours.

Day Two of Pandemic: Now that the word is out, fly Miles O'Brien out to a chicken farm and let him walk amongst the feathered creatures. He will tell the story of the deadly fowl as he casually strolls amongst the demon beasts until finally stopping, assuming a dramatic pose, and delivering the terrifying punchline: we're all going to die, now everyone poop your pants.

Back to you, Soledad.

Day Three: It's time to introduce "the watch." It's not officially a disaster until CNN begins "the watch."

Avian Agitation: Day Four

To the CNN Cave! Scatter your reporters like so many leaves in the wind. And remember, people, this is a pandemic. People are going to be dying everywhere and I want you to find them! And I want pictures! And wear those yellow rain jackets, we're still paying for them!

Avian Agitation: Day Five

What's that? Iraq war? Don't bother me with details, we've got a pandemic!!!

Avian Agitation: Day Six

Deliver death toll estimate based on early returns. We've got Gore taking Delaware. (Note: maybe time to update software)

Avian Agitation: Day Seven

Find racial angle. It's out there, so find it. Maybe spark an anti-Asian McCarthy-esque movement? I'm just free-styling here, but that sounds like a winner!

Avian Agitation: Day Eight

World pecked to death by giant, crazed birds. Should have listened to CNN. oops.

Marathon Running: 7 Continents?

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