Monday, November 07, 2005


A life of it's own

Remember 80's girl? Remember when my cool, sophisticated, woman of the aughts wife dialed back the clock to a time we all remember so well - a time of leg warmers and neon, flashdance and big, silly earrings? No? Really? Alright, then, here's a link. You really should try to keep up, though.
A Helpful Suggestion: In order to keep up with the pace of this site, I recommend rereading my archives at least once a week. It is probably best to print them out and paste them all over your apartment. To make for easier reading, I would suggest installing additional lights. Track lighting should do the trick.

Anyway, to sum up, The Wife went as 80's girl for Halloween...and never went back. At first it was just a few little things like expounding on the many practical virtues of neon green leg warmers. But now it is getting out of hand. Her iPod is littered with Hall n' Oats and Journey. One Night in Bangkok blares out of our radio, frightening the cats and her husband.

Yes, the costume has taken over. It's there in the closet - the stone washed jeans and orange mesh shirt hanging there, mocking us. It bides its time, picks its moments...and then it springs to life! I can just imagine how it must possess her whilst we sleep, taking over her body and making her dance and sing I'm so Excited, her limbs flailing wildly (think Jesse on speed).

I woke up the other day and John Hughes movies were strewn about the house willy nilly. I found Molly Ringwald tied up in our hall closet, her eyes pleading with me to release her.

Alright, so that may not be entirely true, but I can totally see it happening. First you download the Hall 'n Oats, then you kidnap the 80's icon. Everyone knows Maneater is just a gateway song.

By now, if you can't see the obvious parallel here, then I pity you. Clearly you are not as cool, hip, and urban as I. It's really pretty obvious. This is her black Spiderman costume! I said, black Spiderman costume! No? Geez, come on people!

Okay, quick back story: Spiderman, along with pretty much every major super hero in Marvel Comics, was wisked away to a far off planet by The Beyonder (oh, he's that powerful). All the enemies were wisked off too (Dr. Doom et al.) and they all fought a really big, nifty battle and it was really cool. Honestly, it was probably the highlight of my early teens (sad, but true). Well, anyway, at some point in one of these drag-'em-out battles Spiderman's costume was
damaged and Reed Richards (stretchy guy from the Fantastic Four...there's a movie) used some fancy-ass space machine to make Spiderman a new costume.

Still with me?

Well, anyway, this costume was some kind of nifty. It was controlled by his thoughts and had built in web shooters and everything. Plus, it made him look more like a ninja and, if I know Peter Parker, this had to be appealing. But the problem was, this space costume was living!


Yes, living! And it tried to take over Peter Parker and it almost did but he got it off safely (whew! That was close!). Sadly, though, the costume managed to escape and then I don't really know what happened. Apparently that's when my brothers stopped collecting comics (because these
story-lines were all about 10 years before my time and I never actually bought a comic of my own) and so I lost track of Spidey. A little web research shows that the costume latched onto a guy named Eddie Brock and became Venom (see picture below), which sounds pretty bad. I'm thinking Venom was a nasty fellow or else they probably would have just named him Honey or Puddin'.

Okay, so we're all caught up. Evil costume, life of its own, controls host body. And from space. Could it be any more similar to the situation here at Grace and Wayne?!? I mean, it's like we're living a comic book! We don't know were those stone-washed jeans came from. They could just as easily been created on a far off planet and brought back here after an epic battle. And then my wife, innocent as can be, puts them on, becomes Venom, and terrorizes the city. Or, alternately, doesn't become Venom but does listen to Hall 'n Oats non-stop. Which would generally be worse if not for the fact that Rich Girl is a sweet, sweet song.
(singing) You're a rich girl, but you've gone too far, and
you know it don't matter anyway. You can rely on the old man's money,
you can really on the OLD man's money

Song stuck in your head? Welcome to my life.

You are correct, sir. The alien costume attached itself to a journalist named Eddie Brock, who hated Peter Parker because, as Spider-Man, Parker exposed Brock as a fraud who was inventing stories Stephen Glass style for the Daily Bugle. Having a greater knowledge of Spider-Man's secret identity through the living alien costume, Venom made it his life's mission to hunt down and kill our hero for the wrongs he had committed.

Naturally he failed, and later on they tried to turn him into a good guy, but it never really took. These days I have no idea what Venom is up to, although I'm sure the Wikipedia could fill me in.

And yes, yes, I am a comic book geek so I know these things. Behold, and bow before my ubergeeky knowledge!
That Hall and Oates Rich Girl song is actually a 70's song--circa '77 or so.
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