Tuesday, March 14, 2006


What I did on my Winter Vacation

The job of a Physicist is never done, my friends (except for August, when it's done). You work and you work and you fight and you claw and you eat and you poop and still there is more to do. And then, suddenly, there will be a lull. All will grow quiet and the only sounds will be that of your heart beat in your ears and the Neil Diamond record playing softly in the background.

That is the time you should fear.

I remember it well. I had finished up all my work and was leaning back in my plush leather chair when the phone suddenly leapt to life (not really, it just rang). I snatched the handle off the receiver (or is that the other way around?) and the a voice barked at me from the other line. I was confused at first as I rarely get calls from dogs of any breed, but then my confusion ebbed as I the dog's owner took over the conversation. It was the president and he needed my help. I can't tell you what he said as it was highly classified and, well, the poor grammar is hard to translate to print. Suffice to say, it was time for terrorism to take a back seat to freedom.

So I hung up the receiver, put my pants back on, and called up my wife.

"Honey," I said to her, although that wasn't her real name, "Honey, put the frozen pizza back in the freezer, I'm not coming home tonight. Duty calls and freedom waits for no man." To which she replied something about freedom, food on the table, leaving me...the details are really not important, but she was behind me fully and I was invited to take as long as I needed.

Great was my haste and so I requisitioned the Fermi-copter and flew swiftly over the frozen tundra of suburban Chicago. I bid adieu to my adopted homeland, the good old Windy City, as I knew I would probably never return. Because I would be dead.

I flew and then I flew some more until I reached the White House and touched down lightly on the helipad. As I dismounted my twirly steed (which I always bring with me when I take the Fermi-copter), the president approached me with a grave expressions on his drawn, haggard, everyday American face. Jason, he said, thank god you're here. He then made some sort of simile between a horse, three midgets, and terrorism which I could really followed, but the gist of it was that terrorism was bad and we had to stop it. And maybe something about a circus...possibly a pony...I'm not entirely clear on the details.

I leapt to action (some would argue it was a prance, but I'm sticking with leap) and started barking orders. Once someone pointed out that I was barking, I laughed and attributed it to jet lag, and began issuing orders in plain, American, freedom loving English.

(aaaaaannnd...fade out)

So that gives you a little taste of the sort of pressure I was under this winter. I'm sure, given the circumstances, you all can understand why I might not have been writing on a daily basis. After all, America comes before even my most loyal readers. You don't hate America, do you? Why do you hate freedom?

As you have probably noticed, the world is now largely at peace and so my job is done. It's back to near-daily writing for me and the purpose is now back in your life. That's my gift to you: purpose. You can thank me with monetary donations (send all check to The Corner of Grace and Wayne, Chicago, IL 60613).

You may have noticed that my links have been updated. A new addition is GoGoTypeMonkey replacing The Daily Changey Thing - same author, same funny, new name. Also, I highly recommend Alien Loves Predator as it is crazy funny.

Regarding the Cub blogs, I've trimmed the links down some. It seems that many of these blogs had not been updating in a long, long time and so I've declared them defunct. However, I was not terribly scientific in my excising, so if you feel that your site is still funct, drop me a line in either the comments box or via e-mail and I will re-add you to the links. And, let me assure you, it wasn't because I hate you and your site (I probably just hate you), but mostly because I'm an idiot.

Also, let me take this time to remind everyone that there is still daily Cubs content over a Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. This is the fastest growing Cubs' site on the web and is a great chance to invest in the future because, let's face it, the really good Cub sites don't love you like we do. We'll give you the sort of clingy, desperate love you need. The same kind of love you give your wife in the pathetic hope that she won't realize she's way too good for you and run off with a used car salesman. Good luck with that, by the way.

Also, I encourage you to check out Marathon Training, a site that my wife and I both write on about our marathon training and whatever else comes up. It's funny and interesting, but you will probably need a nap after reading about our exhausting schedule. Which is okay, because I think you could use a nap anyway. You're getting cranky. But really, you should definitely do read this post if nothing else as there are some really cool pictures from Washington D.C. which will stir the patriotic embers of your inner fire.

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