Wednesday, October 26, 2005


Something "Fishy" is going on

Fermilab, the center of scientific advancement (as far as I'm concerned), is located off of I-88 in beautiful Batavia, IL. It is also, apparently, the center of some sort of double-secret military experiment, the implementation of which will sure hold grave global consequences.

Actually, that's not true. Batavia is a total wasteland.

But anyway, back to the bizarre experiments being conducted right in your backyard (assuming, that is, that your backyard is in Fermilab. I guess that's a big nevermind). The Wife and I were driving up 88 on our way to work yesterday when we noticed a truck with the words "Dolphin Cartage" printed on the back of the trailer. This struck me as odd, as I couldn't imagine why they would be carting around dolphins this far from the ocean. I forgot about it until today, when I saw the same truck.

This can't be a coincidence. For some reason dolphins are being carted into Batavia, a suburb with zero aquariums and zero large bodies of salt water. My nose smells something "fishy" going on.

I turned this over in my mind trying to make the connection. Eventually, it occurred to me that dolphins are surprisingly smart for an animal with no opposable thumbs. And then I remembered a post over at that creeped me out a bit (I recommend reading that real quick and then coming'll never be able to look at dolphins the same way again. And by "same way," I mean with that lustful look you always have that totally weirds me out. I will never, ever understand your dolphin fetish you sick, sick bastard). Alright, now that you have read that and returned, you should realize that dolphins are way smarter than you are (if you didn't make that connection, well, I bet a dolphin would have). Now, their ability to manage garbage is reason enough to fear them, no doubt. But just imagine if these little flippered menaces were subjected to The Power of the Proton.


Sounds pretty scary, doesn't it. The proton, a key ingredient in most any household cleaner, can do some pretty crazy things when accelerated to almost the speed of light (which, as everyone knows, is really, really fast). Bring a dolphin into contact with such a proton beam and god only knows what might happen. We've all seen Ghostbusters, right? Remember what happened when they crossed the streams? Well, the streams they were crossing came from Proton Packs. Just like the ones at Fermi! And dolphins are mostly made of protons! This is a recipe for disaster!!

Okay, so you may scoff at the idea. You may say: "Hey, Ghostbusters was just a movie, and dolphins are just fish." You'd be wrong, but you still might say that. After all, let's face it, you're no dolphin. I just don't envy the unprepared when a legion of super smart, proton-crossed dolphins are unleashed onto the world.

You think the military will be able to control them? Really? We're talking dolphins here! Have you seen the tricks they can do?!? They're wily, wily scamps...and that's pre-proton enhancement! I'm just saying, mankind is pretty much doomed.

I bet my army of the undead doesn't sound so silly now. While you all are being slapped silly by their rubbery flippers, I'll be sitting back and watching as they shuffle forth and feast on super-intelligent mammal brain.

Yep, "always be prepared", that's my motto. That and "always keep a zombie army handy."

This was a hilarious post, Jason. But don't worry. I think you're looking in the wrong direction here. I suspect they are equipting the dolphins with lazer beams in order to combat the SHARKS with frickin' lazer beams. It's all about our national defense.

Speaking of dolphins, did you ever see Life Aquatic? There are some pretty amusing dolphin scenes in that movie, although one has to have a peculiar taste to enjoy the flick.

(I happened to love it, but I am known to be a wee bit odd)
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