Do you remember the quote from the X-Files episode, Jose Chung is from Outer Space?

I didn't spend all those years playing Dungeons and Dragons and not learn a little something about courage.

Turns out, it's true. Vin Diesel is deeply devoted to Dungeon and Dragons and nobody's tougher than Vin Diesel. He could rip your throat right out.

From an interview with Conan O'Brien:

Vin: I created a character... No one knows this, but in Triple-X, one of the tattoos, right above my belly-button, or below my belly button, I don't know why I'm saying this *hoots from audience*, was the name Melkor. And that came from a character that I had, uh..
Conan: That you created in Dungeons and Dragons?
Vin: that I created. That was a Drow witch-hunter. Double-specialized witch-hunter. but this is all
Conan: There are so many nerds watching right now who are just thrilled. Cause you're making them cool, suddenly. All these guys are watching going "Go, Vin Diesel, Go! Go!" All hail, Melkor, you know?

So, we all think, D &D must be pretty cool. Then I realize how I found out that Diesel plays D&D. From the trust IMDB message boards, this time for Dungeons and Dragons, the Movie.

(in response to taunting)

Bahahaha, thats soo funny, but no seriously you moron, don't come here and make fun of something that is far beyond your pathetic scope of intelligence so you can make your pitiful existence all the more interesting. Besides you do realize that Vin Diseal a highly paid famous celebrity played dnd? I'm sure you chop off your tiny left nut to live a day like Vin lives (considering you come online to make fun of gammers in your spare time, thats sad) so step off and go pester small children, they may yet be less brilliant then you.

Yeeeeaaah...I think Vin Diesel might just be the exception to the rule.

(Just to be clear, I don't play D&D. I'm clearly far too cool for that. I'm thinking a blogging, Star Trek watching physicist is still well-steeped in coolness. Either that, or I'm just the Vin Diesel of the physics community)

Star Trek, the original series, Message Board

Subject: You Know what sucks about the present?

You remember "Space Seed", where they mentioned the Eugenics Wars that supposedly happened in the 1990s? They also mentioned that Khan and his followers were put on one of their best starships, the U.S.S. Botany Bay. Well, the 90s have been over for a while, and I haven't seen any advanced starships with phaser weapons, artificial gravity, or ultra-powerful computer systems that operate on verbal commands, nor have I seen any genetically engineered superhumans. It's 2006 and we haven't come anywhere close to attaining warp drive? Know why? Because dumbass Republicans are spending the government's money on nuking the s**t out of every country that disagrees with our policies. We were going to advance our space program, and then a certain dips**t named Nixon decided to draft all working-class young men in their late teens and early twenties to serve in a war they didn't want to fight. Now most of those vets got their arms/legs blown off, plus they're homeless because the government left them to starve to death in the streets. You Republicans think the vets are ungrateful because they weren't proud to serve their country, but this war didn't need to be fought. It was unnecessary. I think we need better legislation in our government. What about you guys?

Star Trek vs. Star Wars

Query: Which serries if they ever met would win in a war?
star treks ray guns and crap like that vs the blaster cannons

Reply: Let's see...

Star Trek happens several centuries in the future from now in our galaxy.
Star Wars happens a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

In the Voyager series the Voyager gets lost in the delta quadrant, which is a part of our own galaxy and even with warpdrive they have to travel for almost a century to get back unless some handy wormhole happens to be on their way.
Now imagine what it takes to get from here to several galaxies away....
It would take centuries to get there!
It will take twice as long (getting there AND back plus extensive time travel) to get to know the results of a possible fight.

Yeah, what a dipshit.

...but if they found a wormhole, like in that one episode where they are playing cards and get stuck in a time warp and encounter the enterprise from the past, it could happen! And then there's that one where they encounter Shooter McGavin as a starship captain from the past, I think he got sucked into a wormhole. It could happen!

I mean, um...nevermind.

College student lives in Wal-Mart for 41 hours

When I first read this, I saw the caption for the picture - "Skyler Bartels spent almost two days wandering the aisles of a Des Moines, Iowa Wal-Mart." - and assumed he just had nothing better to do. After all, he was in Des Moines. Until you get into the drug scene, at 1 am it's pretty much cruising Wal-Mart or drinking coffee at the IHOP.

As it turns out, he's just an "aspiring writer" at Drake who thought it would be a nifty stunt to write about. I'm an aspiring writer, too, but the only test of endurance I'm willing to take on is the Rachel Ray 30 Minute Meals marathon on the Food Network (other than the actual marathon, of course).

My hat is off to you, sir. In other news...

World prepares for total solar eclipse

I'm still waiting for a total eclipse of the heart.

Naked sculpture of 'idealized' Britney going on view

Hmm...I wonder what the words "Naked Britney Spears" will do to my hit demographics? ...if only this was 4 years ago. From the article:

A life-size sculpture of a naked Britney Spears kneeling on a bearskin rug as she gives birth will be on display next month at Brooklyn's Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery.

Now that's just excellent. Or rather, it would be, if it were being used in the proper context. Naked Britney Spears giving birth on a rug belongs in someone's living room, maybe over by the mantel or in the corner of the room, accented by a nice fern or rubber plant. This sculpture, however, is being used in a pro-life exhibit.

Edwards, whose sculpture of Ted Williams' decapitated head -- which was frozen in the hope that medical science could one day revive the baseball great -- stirred up an artistic storm, said the sculpture of Spears was a "new take on pro-life."

"Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," he said.

Well, not to quibble, but birth is often a fairly bloody mess as well. Not to mention all the other repulsive things that come along with the "miracle" of birth. Don't get me started on that...placenta. Guh.

IMDB Full House Message Board.

Post Title: problem with dj in season 2

who else besides me thinks that DJ was a total bitch in season 2 with stephanie first in kimmy's surprise birthday party episode where she says that stephanie or anyone else can't be at the party well that's not fair cause it's stephanie's house too and she has a right to be anywhere she wants in the house same problem with dj's 13th birthday party than in the valentine's day episode she really tore her head off when steph was wearing dj's new sweater calling her a nerd bomber or something like that she was pretty harsh on her she was one bad sister than she was just a little kid get a grip.Older sisters are such a pain in the ass and i speak from experience i have two sisters myself who were kind of similar with me growing up.

Please do not ask how I can across this. But please do read the 11 point response to this question.

It all started innocently enough. Nobody knew how many species inhabited the earth. A dozen? A hundred? More than that?!? Evidence of this scientific controversy is found in a CNN.com article:

"Some people who study insects think there may be as many as 100 million species out there," said Jeff McNeely, the chief scientist at the World Conservation Union.

"But if you took a poll of biologists, I think most would say there are somewhere around 15 million," he told Reuters by telephone from the organization's Swiss headquarters.

They go on to further explain why this might be a problem for the international community of animal people (the so-called "biologists"):

"The implication of not knowing exactly how many species there are is that we can't tell if we are actually making progress on the 2010 target," said McNeely.

I understand the problem. The Biologists want to make sure they don't run out of animals before 2010, causing great embarrassment through the scientific community (and here I'm just referring to the biologists again, don't come crying to the physicists). I can certainly understand this concern, I just don't know if I approve of their methods.

Sure, it was all nice and well in the early stages. You get a horse and a donkey to hump and you get a mule - everyone's happy. Hell, nobody even noticed when they started mixing up the insects because, frankly, they all look the same. And yes, the species count went up. "Progress" was being made. But then the biologists went to far and we've begun to find that nature bites back when you take her for granted...and she has very pointy teeth. Very pointy, indeed.

A couple scientists, locked in a military bunker, exchange high fives. They've done it! They've created the most unlikely of matches.

It wasn't easy. Coaxing a spider and a goat into that most passionate of embraces take skill that few appreciate. It's match making at its highest level. But the job was done and the military was quite pleased. It was the ultimate killing machine: the proportional strength of a spider combined with the voracious appetite of a goat. And fangs. Really, really big, nasty fangs. And a little beard.

Goats have beards.

But as it always seems to, nature finds a way to serve its own purpose, and all the razor wire in the world isn't going to change that. The goat-spider was gone, and the full folly of man's arrogance was about to come to head.

The results...

were devastating.

A legion of the country's finest scientists were called together in a secret think-tanks to advise the government in the best course of action. Naturally, I was there, being a formost expert on all things goat-related. It didn't take long to realize that there was only one person who could handle a destructive force of this magnitude.

Sigorney Weaver!


I veto'd this choice, however. I still haven't forgiven her for Aliens 3 and 4. I mean, Newt survives for months alone in a nest of aliens and then dies in a plane crash?!? GAH! SO. RAGE. FILLED.

(breath...breath...)

Well, they all said, if I did like the solution they came up with, then perhaps I had a suggestion of my own? Well, of course I did. When you are faced with a blood-sucking goat, what better to best it than a goat-sucking monster? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

The Chupacabra!


Laugher filled the room. You fool, they said, there's no such thing are the chupacabra. That's just a myth made up to explain all of the mysteriously sucked goats.

My face turned a deep red. I had to think fast or risk losing my credibility within the scientific community. Then it struck me! My army of the undead!

But, as they say, hindsight is 20-20. Who knew unleashing an army of the undead into the world would be a bad idea?

*shrug*

Got that little blood-sucking bastard, though.

Using pictures and profiles posted on MySpace, six rapists/robbers were tracked down and arrested.

You see, this is why I question the logic behind iamarapist.blogspot.com.

At some point, it's going to catch up with you.

A Tennessee Minister, Matthew Winkler, was found shot in the back, apparently shot by his wife. She has confessed to the murder. From the article:

"Words cannot describe how we all feel about this," said church member Pam Killingsworth, assistant principal at the elementary school where the two older children went to school.

She described Mary Winkler as always seeming like "the perfect mother, the perfect wife," with very loving children.

As a currently living husband, I'm going to have to disagree with the "perfect wife" sentiment. Love means never having to say "sorry I committed first degree murder and took the kids."

For the few who read this site but not Goat Riders (I'm guessing there are about 3 of you), I've written over there about Mr. Mark Prior, the catching situation, and good ol' Dusty.

Just a heads up. Now go read my post below.

I was using a urinal at a bar last night and something caught my eye.

Wait, that sounds bad. Let me start over...

I was using the urinal at a bar last night while observing proper urinal etiquette and looking straight ahead and I noticed a sign that was also directly in front of me in my cone of urinal vision. Apparently Bernie's, the bar The Wife and I generally frequent, was having some sort of "design your own T-Shirt" contest with the theme being Miller Lite. I've got some ideas that I think could be winning ones, but I wanted to test them out and see how they look in print. So, bear (bare?) with me during this little exercise.

Despite there being something like 50 basketball games on every day last weekend, CBS still managed to have overlapping half-times and thus no basketball. Seriously, for an entire, consecutive 20 minutes there was not one bit of basketball being played (unless you count the NIT or the Women's NCAA tourney, which it fine for some people, but I'm proper folk). So I started flipping through the channels and came across The A-Team on one of the 99 different channels on our cable box. Two things about this:

1. Why do I have 99 channels? Just so I can accidentally come across the A-Team at 5:30 on a Saturday. I don't know why it was on, but there's a 50/50 chance that this is the Mr. T Channel and features such hits as Rocky III and that one episode of"Malcolm and Eddie" he guest-starred in. And, of course, The A-Team (I'm making machine gun noises in my head...are you? No?).
2. I shouldn't be admitting to only having 99 channels. Admitting that I have less than 200 channels (and have neither Starz nor HBO, let alone Cinemax) clearly reveals a lack of TV watching prowess. I am embarrassed for myself.
   

But enough about cable, what about The A-Team? Does it age well with time or is it another MacGuyver, a show best seen through the filter of a hazy childhood memory (happiness is never having to realize that Terri Hatcher played Penny Parker, one of MacGuyver's prostitute friends).

Well, I'm going to say that it ages real damn well. I mean, few shows have been as flat-out batshit insane as The A-Team, and insanity is always welcome. We all know the obvious. The crazy one, the ladies man, the bejewelled, mohawked muscle and the grizzled captain comprise a team of outlaws with unlimited access to weapons and explosives. They travel along in a black van and solve problems (very similar to Scooby Doo in this respect) and occasionally bail celebrity guest stars out of jams (no, really, there are differences between this and Scooby Doo).

For example, in the episode I saw, Boy George is in trouble with some hillbillies and calls the A-Team. I missed most of the episode, but I'm guessing there was some sort of gay bashing going on and Boy George was in trouble. For all I know, it was a very special A-Team that every parent should watch with their children. 80's social commentary has always flowed through Mr. T and I think he would pity the fool who was oppressed for their lifestyle.

The hillibillies drove around in Jeep Wranglers whilst the A-Team blew stuff up and shot at the Jeeps. The Jeeps blew up, the A-Team drove on, and Boy George was fully rescued. In the end, a good time was had by all. This is the sort of action that never goes out of style. So, if you ever come across the Mr. T channel as I did, be sure to stop for a bit and spend a little time with the A-Team. You'll be glad you do.

Goat Rider's celebrates its 300th post in style.

And by "in style" I mean "with a post."

A post about 300 posts.

Actually, the post is about 299 posts. The 300th post, being the 300th, can't really be writing about 3oo posts. That would require knowledge of the future, which we don't possess (as evidenced by my remarkable inability to predict...anything).

So, you know, yay for us and all that.

Over here at The Corner of Grace and Wayne, we just do too much laundry. We actually do more laundry than any other couple I know.

We wake up and get dressed for work. PJ's go in the laundry and work clothes go on (usually a three-piece suit for me, cocktail dress for The Wife). We come home from work and the work clothes go into the laundry, running clothes go on (usually a three-piece suit for me, cocktail dress for The Wife). We run, come home, shower, and then into normal clothes for the night (unless we go out clubbing or something that night...must. not. laugh....so...improbable).

It's just a lot of clothes each day. Too many. Man was not intended to wash this many clothes. I want to get back to the Adam and Eve days. We could all run around naked except for the fig leaves covering our what-nots. It would be a magical time. You're fig leaf gets dirty? Grow more figs. It's a win-win situation.

No more laundry. Just think about it.

I take a stab at predicting Prior's future with the Cubs.

Also, running in God's country.

Surely there must be more?!?

No.

(and don't call me Shirley)

And it's craaaaaaaaazy!

I really do love March Madness. It's just so...mad. I currently have 3 different brackets entered in three different tournaments and an equal chance of winning with each (zero). Since leaving undergrad, my college basketball knowledge has wilted like LaTroy in a save situation (zing!) and now I am basically one step above the "which mascot is scarier" level of analysis. But, I know where to do my research and so I can make lots of fairly educated guesses (that are all wrong) and this, at least, elevates me above the beasts.

Last year, in a fit of March, um, madness, I kept a running log of my reaction to the games in real time. I was basically the Jack Bauer of the NCAA tourney and the response was about what you would expect.

*crickets*

I probably will spare the world my running commentary this year unless something really exciting happens, like Indiana escaping the first round. Actually, that won't happen, as I'll be watching the Indiana game at Bernies. If anyone else is heading that way, I'll be wearing an IU tube top and a pair of lederhosen (and, of course, a red carnation. But everyone at Bernies wears a red carnation, so that's not much help). Of course, I already know what you look like as I follow you home from work every night and watch you through your living room window. The way your eyes light up when Everybody Love Raymond comes on warms my insides.

So, Cub fans, enjoy March Madness as much as you can because come April time things are going to go rapidly downhill.

Boooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(see here for more in-depth commentary)

The job of a Physicist is never done, my friends (except for August, when it's done). You work and you work and you fight and you claw and you eat and you poop and still there is more to do. And then, suddenly, there will be a lull. All will grow quiet and the only sounds will be that of your heart beat in your ears and the Neil Diamond record playing softly in the background.

That is the time you should fear.

I remember it well. I had finished up all my work and was leaning back in my plush leather chair when the phone suddenly leapt to life (not really, it just rang). I snatched the handle off the receiver (or is that the other way around?) and the a voice barked at me from the other line. I was confused at first as I rarely get calls from dogs of any breed, but then my confusion ebbed as I the dog's owner took over the conversation. It was the president and he needed my help. I can't tell you what he said as it was highly classified and, well, the poor grammar is hard to translate to print. Suffice to say, it was time for terrorism to take a back seat to freedom.

So I hung up the receiver, put my pants back on, and called up my wife.

"Honey," I said to her, although that wasn't her real name, "Honey, put the frozen pizza back in the freezer, I'm not coming home tonight. Duty calls and freedom waits for no man." To which she replied something about freedom, food on the table, leaving me...the details are really not important, but she was behind me fully and I was invited to take as long as I needed.

Great was my haste and so I requisitioned the Fermi-copter and flew swiftly over the frozen tundra of suburban Chicago. I bid adieu to my adopted homeland, the good old Windy City, as I knew I would probably never return. Because I would be dead.

I flew and then I flew some more until I reached the White House and touched down lightly on the helipad. As I dismounted my twirly steed (which I always bring with me when I take the Fermi-copter), the president approached me with a grave expressions on his drawn, haggard, everyday American face. Jason, he said, thank god you're here. He then made some sort of simile between a horse, three midgets, and terrorism which I could really followed, but the gist of it was that terrorism was bad and we had to stop it. And maybe something about a circus...possibly a pony...I'm not entirely clear on the details.

I leapt to action (some would argue it was a prance, but I'm sticking with leap) and started barking orders. Once someone pointed out that I was barking, I laughed and attributed it to jet lag, and began issuing orders in plain, American, freedom loving English.

(aaaaaannnd...fade out)

So that gives you a little taste of the sort of pressure I was under this winter. I'm sure, given the circumstances, you all can understand why I might not have been writing on a daily basis. After all, America comes before even my most loyal readers. You don't hate America, do you? Why do you hate freedom?

As you have probably noticed, the world is now largely at peace and so my job is done. It's back to near-daily writing for me and the purpose is now back in your life. That's my gift to you: purpose. You can thank me with monetary donations (send all check to The Corner of Grace and Wayne, Chicago, IL 60613).

You may have noticed that my links have been updated. A new addition is GoGoTypeMonkey replacing The Daily Changey Thing - same author, same funny, new name. Also, I highly recommend Alien Loves Predator as it is crazy funny.

Regarding the Cub blogs, I've trimmed the links down some. It seems that many of these blogs had not been updating in a long, long time and so I've declared them defunct. However, I was not terribly scientific in my excising, so if you feel that your site is still funct, drop me a line in either the comments box or via e-mail and I will re-add you to the links. And, let me assure you, it wasn't because I hate you and your site (I probably just hate you), but mostly because I'm an idiot.

Also, let me take this time to remind everyone that there is still daily Cubs content over a Goat Riders of the Apocalypse. This is the fastest growing Cubs' site on the web and is a great chance to invest in the future because, let's face it, the really good Cub sites don't love you like we do. We'll give you the sort of clingy, desperate love you need. The same kind of love you give your wife in the pathetic hope that she won't realize she's way too good for you and run off with a used car salesman. Good luck with that, by the way.

Also, I encourage you to check out Marathon Training, a site that my wife and I both write on about our marathon training and whatever else comes up. It's funny and interesting, but you will probably need a nap after reading about our exhausting schedule. Which is okay, because I think you could use a nap anyway. You're getting cranky. But really, you should definitely do read this post if nothing else as there are some really cool pictures from Washington D.C. which will stir the patriotic embers of your inner fire.

...massive "I told you so" echoes throughout Christian community.

There's science, there's good science, and then there's the best science ever. If you head over to the front page of CNN.com, we find that we are closing in on Noah's Ark. The Noah's Ark of two-by-two fame.

Images taken by aircraft, intelligence-gathering satellites and commercial remote-sensing spacecraft are fueling an intensive study of the intriguing oddity. But whether the anomaly is some geological quirk of nature, playful shadows, a human-made structure of some sort, or simply nothing at all that remains to be seen.

Sure, it could be a coincidental set of shadows from a satellite image. That's what the Doubty McQuestion-a-lot conspiracy theorists would try to tell you. I mean it could be anything. In an attempt to solve this mystery, let's break it down.

• We know there exists a book out there that tells of a boat captained by the last good man on earth, Noah.
• This book is the best selling book in the history of books (narrowly beating out The Firm)
• There aren't any best-selling book about curious shadows, although I think there was an episode of Scooby Doo about this. The Shadow, however, just turned out to be Mr. McGreevey, the creepy old carnival owner.
  

So, we have the following options at hand to explain this satellite image:

1) A natural rock formation casting interest shadows

2) A 5000 year old boat that once held two of every species of animal on Earth and weathered 40 days and 40 nights of rain which was sent down by God to kill all the people, except for Noah, who stayed dry and lived on to re-populate the earth. There's also a bird and a olive branch and a rainbow, but I don't want to get political here.

Now, I'm not going to get all judgey and try to convince you one way or the other, but let me say this. There is absolutely no proof that this is just a natural, somewhat boat-shaped rock formation. So, until someone can definitively prove that this is not a 500 year old boat, I'm going with the boat story.

With the all the new technology at our disposal, we seem to be finding more and more amazing, unexplainable things every day. This is just the latest in a long line of unexplainable phenomenon.

• Commuting is a weird experience when we leave at rush hour. We take the Metra from Chicago to Wheaton and everyone (no, literally, everyone) is coming into Chicago from the suburbs. It's this overwhelming current of people rushing over us, trying to drive us back into the city. The Wife says we're like salmon trying to swim upstream. I'd agree except for the shocking lack of spawning opportunities at our final destination.
• I recently purchased a pre-viewed copy of Crash at the local Blockbuster. I love the whole pre-viewed thing. It removes the indignity of having the view it yourself for the first time...like some sort of animal.
• Over at Goatriders, Death reports that Neifi isn't simply content to backup Cedeno. I'm beginning to think Death is trying to kill me with posts like that...which actually makes perfect sense.
• Cute baby pictures and running...this could quite easily lead to world peace.